boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

caroleann

moanymoany wrote: »

I agree, he could well love O.P., but he just doesn't want to deal with outstanding issues - maybe if he ignores it it will simply go away.

The thing is, the pension issue is going to come up sooner or later. Princess Diana told the world that there were three people in her marriage. I think in second marriages and relationships this is often the case. The first family doesn't simply disappear. It takes a lot of work for someone to keep old and new relationships in balance.

Bye the bye ceridwen - me old pal me old beauty - I meant those warm and comforting things like cooking, washing, ironing, shopping, housework as well as

Good morning Moanymoany,
You have completley 'Got it' its a bit of the ostrich behaviour, just try to ignore it and it will all go away, I know it wont, he wants the pension 'For us' he says.....
It will have to be looked at by solicitors in a divorce, so ..... dont divorce, simple.
Had a text from him last night, I quote, 'Hi Darling, very sad day today, did'nt expect to hear that this morning but I guess I had it coming, I totally understand how you feel. I do hope things work out for us, I love you, x'
No, 'I will look into things, or right lets get things moving if its so important to you'
He's a lovely, gentle, kind man, with so many good points, and I do love him, its a hard position to be in.
P.S. yes I do all the womanly things you mentioned for him, which he loves as ex never did them!!!!
Caroleann.

caroleann

cheepskate wrote: »

Mabye not... I wonder if the wifey will be a shoulder to cry on .

OMG, what a horrible thought, you could be right, she has never asked or wanted a divorce from him, infact even asked him to go to Australia with her!!!

caroleann

ceridwen wrote: »

Moany - "providing the womanly things in his life" - well, that was a very tactful way of putting things (which I will add to my own vocabulary).

I think we have to give the man credit that it could be that he really loves O.P. - but is feeling very torn about his pension - and possibly/probably the childrens reaction if he is seen as the initiator of the divorce (that is a good point). One's heart and head dont necessarily work in tandem (well - mine have sometimes been difficult to "yoke together" - so I tend to assume the same for other people). I've lost count of how many "battles" I've had over the years between my heart and my head - so I can relate to other people having these battles. Those who operate purely and simply from heart only or head only are ones I sometimes envy.

Hi Ceirdwen,
I think you are right, I really feel like he loves me, but loves his kids too, they mean the world to him, which I admire, I know he's scared they turn against him over this and he's finding himself in the middle, he's adamant he doesn't want to get back with wifey... she has a boyfriend now too, but he does have a bond with her, i can feel it, also she's there in the house when he visits kids, they both work shifts and that makes it easy to be there together, and alone, cant help wondering....

bloomin_freezing

He wont talk about it and says we have to wait till she calms down, and also it will upset his kids, 17.19.21 and 23!!!!!!!

Can I just say that when my parents split when I was 20 I was upset! Just because his kids are pretty much adults themselves does not mean they won't be affected. I get the impression from you (from the amount of !!! you used) that you think they are grown up so shouldn't be bothered by things, they may 'have their own lives' (one in particular quote my dad's wife likes to use). Well thats rubbish. Being older doesn't make it easier, they're old enough now to have their own opinion on the matter, and it does concern them too.

Personally I think you should let him sort things out in his own time with her. 9 Months is nothing compared to the life he had with his wife. You may or may not know the reasons (true reasons not what he has told you) why they originally split, and if she feels hard done by then of course she will be bitter and want to make things hard for him. You could only make matters worse if you try to push things.

Sorry if this sounds like an attack on you, but its between them. If he is worried about upsetting his wife, maybe there is unfinished business.

caroleann

bloomin_freezing wrote: »

He wont talk about it and says we have to wait till she calms down, and also it will upset his kids, 17.19.21 and 23!!!!!!!

Can I just say that when my parents split when I was 20 I was upset! Just because his kids are pretty much adults themselves does not mean they won't be affected. I get the impression from you (from the amount of !!! you used) that you think they are grown up so shouldn't be bothered by things, they may 'have their own lives' (one in particular quote my dad's wife likes to use). Well thats rubbish. Being older doesn't make it easier, they're old enough now to have their own opinion on the matter, and it does concern them too.

Personally I think you should let him sort things out in his own time with her. 9 Months is nothing compared to the life he had with his wife. You may or may not know the reasons (true reasons not what he has told you) why they originally split, and if she feels hard done by then of course she will be bitter and want to make things hard for him. You could only make matters worse if you try to push things.

Sorry if this sounds like an attack on you, but its between them. If he is worried about upsetting his wife, maybe there is unfinished business.

Hi Bloomin,
I'm willing to listen to all points of view if it helps me work through this situation, I do understand his kids may be upset at the idea of divorce but its no different to the way things have been for them for 18 months, their parents have lived in seperate houses and seperate lives all that time, he sees them all and supports the youngest one. they know i exist and also that their Mam has a boyfriend too, i did'nt cause the seperation, she would'nt stay in the house at night and pubbed till early hours, ( lock ins ) where he would go looking for her and see her through pub window drinking and refusing to come out, this was at 3-4am, he was on shifts, 6am-6pm and 6pm-6am, she eventually left him and went to her mothers, he looked after kids and worked, they decided to divorce and she came back to get the house ready to sell, it sold and they both bought their own property, he went through the mill with her.

glossgal

bloomin_freezing wrote: »

He wont talk about it and says we have to wait till she calms down, and also it will upset his kids, 17.19.21 and 23!!!!!!!

Can I just say that when my parents split when I was 20 I was upset! Just because his kids are pretty much adults themselves does not mean they won't be affected. I get the impression from you (from the amount of !!! you used) that you think they are grown up so shouldn't be bothered by things, they may 'have their own lives' (one in particular quote my dad's wife likes to use). Well thats rubbish. Being older doesn't make it easier, they're old enough now to have their own opinion on the matter, and it does concern them too.

Personally I think you should let him sort things out in his own time with her. 9 Months is nothing compared to the life he had with his wife. You may or may not know the reasons (true reasons not what he has told you) why they originally split, and if she feels hard done by then of course she will be bitter and want to make things hard for him. You could only make matters worse if you try to push things.

Sorry if this sounds like an attack on you, but its between them. If he is worried about upsetting his wife, maybe there is unfinished business.

I agree-parents splitting is upsetting all round, no matter how old you are. I was 18 when mine split and it was pretty unpleasant as I still lived at home. You're also more aware of the mind games and bitterness that come along with separation than you would be if you were younger. On the other hand, if OP's fella and wife have already split up then I'm not convinced the formality of a divorce would make much difference to the situation. I do think OP should 'let it lie' for now though, as I said in my other post it's early days for them as a couple and whilst I don't think she should stand for being messed about, pushing partner into a corner will probably have the opposite of the desired effect!

bloomin_freezing

caroleann wrote: »

Hi Bloomin,
I'm willing to listen to all points of view if it helps me work through this situation, I do understand his kids may be upset at the idea of divorce but its no different to the way things have been for them for 18 months, their parents have lived in seperate houses and seperate lives all that time, he sees them all and supports the youngest one. they know i exist and also that their Mam has a boyfriend too, i did'nt cause the seperation, she would'nt stay in the house at night and pubbed till early hours, ( lock ins ) where he would go looking for her and see her through pub window drinking and refusing to come out, this was at 3-4am, he was on shifts, 6am-6pm and 6pm-6am, she eventually left him and went to her mothers, he looked after kids and worked, they decided to divorce and she came back to get the house ready to sell, it sold and they both bought their own property, he went through the mill with her.

Thanks for understanding, I was worried how you would react!:o

But as I said, as hard as it is, you may have a lot of lip biting ahead of you, if she has a nasty streak i'm sure she has lots up her sleeve. If she tries to play him and the kids they, and he will eventually see it.

Its not a very nice situation for anyone involved.

caroleann

glossgal wrote: »

I agree-parents splitting is upsetting all round, no matter how old you are. I was 18 when mine split and it was pretty unpleasant as I still lived at home. You're also more aware of the mind games and bitterness that come along with separation than you would be if you were younger. On the other hand, if OP's fella and wife have already split up then I'm not convinced the formality of a divorce would make much difference to the situation. I do think OP should 'let it lie' for now though, as I said in my other post it's early days for them as a couple and whilst I don't think she should stand for being messed about, pushing partner into a corner will probably have the opposite of the desired effect!

Hi Glossygal,
It must be just me, but having someone with me who is still married gives out messges that he isint ready to commit or he still has feelings for wife, even if they may be 'scared' feelings at what she may do, he has mentioned this, but cant tell me what.
I am aware that backing him into a corner could have the opposite effect, Its a wait and see time for me.
I may have to back down in the end to keep him, but I know I'll never be happy with him still married to her.

caroleann

bloomin_freezing wrote: »

Thanks for understanding, I was worried how you would react!:o

But as I said, as hard as it is, you may have a lot of lip biting ahead of you, if she has a nasty streak i'm sure she has lots up her sleeve. If she tries to play him and the kids they, and he will eventually see it.

Its not a very nice situation for anyone involved.

I agree, its heart wrenching for me at the moment, I'm waiting to see what she has up her sleeve, I'm told she's volatile and jealous, dont know what she'll come up with, if and when he does go down the divorce route.
Hope the kids can see he's not wanting to hurt them or desert them.

Melodyx

It's brilliant you've talked to him. I think you can only go forward from here.

One thing I've learned is that you have to kind of 'assess' a man based on how he behaves with his kids and has behaved in other relationships. There seem to be some serious issues here is you look at it like that. He hasn't managed to present you in a very good light to his children who are old enough to understand his need for a new relationship, and this is not a good sign - do you want to have them ignore you in the future or resent you? It's not a good start that he hasnt got them on side with this. I would be wanting to know what the issues were in his relationship with his wife - do you know what their problems were, because these are the kind of things you might have to face. Can you do a bit fof research and think if you want to have to deal with similar things?

If you really want him in your heart of hearts it will be worth the wait (it was for me!) But it's not an easy road to just let someone go and get on with it and not get too involved. Realistically it may take him a few years to sort all this out, but at least he might then resolve some of these things rather than just transferring them to hi s relationship with you!