boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

Errata

Oh dear, what a conundrum. I've no wise words and others have made some very relavent points. However, I'm never lost for a cliche -

Is he a man or a mouse
Does he like to have his cake and eat it
If it walks and talks like a duck it's usually a duck

I'm starting to feel sorry for the wife.

Seriously, I would never take anything anyone says about a previous spouse as the absolute truth as they're frequently painted as absolute saints or the spawn of the devil. It takes two to make a marriage, good or bad, and in this case it was a very, very long marriage.

caroleann

Steel wrote: »

(((caroleann)))

Always judge a man by his actions, not his words. I was always taught to look out for warm words and cool actions, which mean nothing and are designed to keep a woman hooked.

If he was over his wife he'd want to get as far away from her as possible and start a new life. By not continuing with the divorce, by seeing her for coffee and sleeping with her when they are technically separated (and you really don't know how often this happened, only what he's told you), by treading on eggshells so as not to upset her he's the one continuing to keep her in his life.

He's allowing this to happen. He's keeping the links alive. His words say the opposite of his actions and betray how he really feels about her. He still cares for her.

"He's a lovely, gentle, kind man, with so many good points"

But standing up to his wife and putting you first is not one of them.
How long are you going to give him to start the divorce ball rolling again. A year of your life? Two years? What about five years? What if because of the pension he never does so he can claim his full entitlement? Where will you draw the line and say "enough".

Take very good care of yourself caroleann and draw the lines in the sand now. His indecision could drag this on for years and, if you allow it to, mess you up emotionally.

Thank you Steel,
Its not what I want to hear obviously, but it's the truth and I can see it, how come other people can see things much more clearly than I can? too near the situation.
I agree about the wanting to get as far away as possible, he has'nt, both places he's lived in have been within walking distance of her house, he says its to be near the kids but they are never in.... 17 and 23, also I never get an answer when I ask I'm always just pacified.
Lines have been drawn, time will now tell if he's true to me or I'm being used.
Thankyou for your wise advice.
Carole

caroleann

Errata wrote: »

Oh dear, what a conundrum. I've no wise words and others have made some very relavent points. However, I'm never lost for a cliche -

Is he a man or a mouse
Does he like to have his cake and eat it
If it walks and talks like a duck it's usually a duck

I'm starting to feel sorry for the wife.

Seriously, I would never take anything anyone says about a previous spouse as the absolute truth as they're frequently painted as absolute saints or the spawn of the devil. It takes two to make a marriage, good or bad, and in this case it was a very, very long marriage.

Why sorry for the wife?

miserly_mum

Maybe he's stringing her along jus as much as he is you?

PENNYWISE_3

HI hun,

first of all big hugs, you sound like you really battling heart versus head and still piecing all the bits of information together to try and make sense of it all.

i can understand how raw his emotions must be with going through this but it is no excuse to not treat you with respect.

at the end of the day i'm sure really he knows that he is going to have to pay his wife some money from his pension but it is easier for him to not admit it, after all it could be a big chunk of money he is going to part with. Not that I am suggesting that she does not deserve this money for staying at home and raising the children but i guess he could feel that he's being hard done etc. At the end of the day it doesn't help you tho, i would be worried by his reluctance to sign the papers regardless of the reason and think you need to look after yourself emotionally in the midst of all this turmoil.

alarm bells ring for me re the lie about York, especially as he had been with wife. i would tell him in no uncertain terms how it made you feel and agree with him that everything he does he must be honest with you. if it happens again then i think you need to consider if you have a future together, I know it is easy for me to say that but to me, trust and honesty is something i value dearly, i couldn't have a relationship without believing (rightly or wrongly!) that i have it 100%

i hope everything goes well for you both, my own personal advise would be, if you love this man and he feels the same, weather the storm together and you will be rewarded with fun times in the future. i don't think ultimatums work, at the end of the day if he wants to be divorced he will & if you start putting pressure on him it may well have the opposite effect to what you desire, however, dont be take for a fool and don't be afraid to get out of the relationship if it isn't what you want.

big hug

caroleann

margaretclare wrote: »

Caroleann, everything you write sets more alarm bells ringing with me. I wrote a lengthy response earlier, pressed the wrong button and it vanished into the ether.

Basically, he has it all, hasn't he? You're doing 'all' the womanly things for him, aren't you, not only the cooking/washing/cleaning etc but the bed services as well - you admitted he has a high sex drive!! In other words, he has to get his leg over somehow, if not with ex then you're the next convenient port in a storm. It's a horrible way to put it, but he's being just like many men are, and you're just being like many women. In other words you're lonely, you're not used to living alone, you feel you need a long-term partner to commit to you, and he feels anything but! Although he may be grateful for your womanly sympathy and the fact that you're 'there' - he's taking you for granted.

DH has a favourite saying, I must have heard it 100 times from his lips, including in speeches at our and others' weddings. 'Trust and Respect are the bedrock of any successful relationship. Love is a bonus. Without trust and respect you have no relationship'. Think about it. You can't trust this man - you've already found him out in a minor lie, that means there can be others, and lies about much more important matters than having a coffee with someone. He doesn't respect you - he's using you as a convenience. Someone who's there when he has to get his end away, someone to wash and cook for him.

You know what? I would kick him into touch much further than Jonny Wilkinson's boot could reach. I would sing an old Bob Dylan song at him: 'It ain't me, babe/No no no, it ain't me, babe/It ain't me you're looking for'.

Sorry!
Margaret

Hi Margaret,
Took some time to digest all that you said, yes I do lots for him, he does help me too though, has completley re done my house since I moved in in July of last year, would'nt be where I am now without him, great at DIY, Computers, Electrics, i could go on and on, but the bottom line is he has lied, i found out, and he wont divorce his wife, or should say he will 'When the time is right'.
He may need kicking into touch and I will soon know what I have to do, as I said to him last night, the ball is in his court, not to come back to me untill he has decided who he wants.
Holding my nerve,
Carole

PENNYWISE_3

one quick question, apart from the divorce (which is obviously a v big part of everyone's life at moment) are you happy together?

if you take a step back and objectively look at situation, what would you advise a friend in a similar situation to do?

caroleann

PENNYWISE wrote: »

HI hun,

first of all big hugs, you sound like you really battling heart versus head and still piecing all the bits of information together to try and make sense of it all.

i can understand how raw his emotions must be with going through this but it is no excuse to not treat you with respect.

at the end of the day i'm sure really he knows that he is going to have to pay his wife some money from his pension but it is easier for him to not admit it, after all it could be a big chunk of money he is going to part with. Not that I am suggesting that she does not deserve this money for staying at home and raising the children but i guess he could feel that he's being hard done etc. At the end of the day it doesn't help you tho, i would be worried by his reluctance to sign the papers regardless of the reason and think you need to look after yourself emotionally in the midst of all this turmoil.

alarm bells ring for me re the lie about York, especially as he had been with wife. i would tell him in no uncertain terms how it made you feel and agree with him that everything he does he must be honest with you. if it happens again then i think you need to consider if you have a future together, I know it is easy for me to say that but to me, trust and honesty is something i value dearly, i couldn't have a relationship without believing (rightly or wrongly!) that i have it 100%

i hope everything goes well for you both, my own personal advise would be, if you love this man and he feels the same, weather the storm together and you will be rewarded with fun times in the future. i don't think ultimatums work, at the end of the day if he wants to be divorced he will & if you start putting pressure on him it may well have the opposite effect to what you desire, however, dont be take for a fool and don't be afraid to get out of the relationship if it isn't what you want.

big hug

Thank you so much for some kind words, i really needed them, the York thing shook me to the core, my heart nearly exploded it was beating so fast, have told him that if it ever happened again and I found out,( and I will find out ) there is no going back and its over, full stop. The thought of the two of them in the car all the way to York and back from here in Gateshead then coffee's then back to me and not a word about it makes me want to scream.
I hope we can work this out, and he turns around to me and says he'll sort it out, we have great times together and laugh a lot, I'd miss that, thanks again, xxx

PENNYWISE_3

margaretclare wrote: »

I agree, though, that a married man who isn't yet divorced can't be a 'boy-friend'. .

so what would that man be then when he has a new relationship?
divorces take years as i'm sure many of us know through experience, especially if the finances are slightly more complex. does the person involved in the divorce put their life on hold until the final bit of paperwork is signed?
i don't think that is a reason to not recognise the commitment that the new realationship may involve.

just my humble opinion.

caroleann

PENNYWISE wrote: »

one quick question, apart from the divorce (which is obviously a v big part of everyone's life at moment) are you happy together?

if you take a step back and objectively look at situation, what would you advise a friend in a similar situation to do?

Yes, we are so happy, we laugh a lot and go out, have nights away and walk dogs, ordinary things I know but yes I'm happy with him, if i were to give advice to a friend it would be to do as I'm doing, tell him your'e not happy with the divorce thing, tell him what you want and see if he comes back to you! or runs.....