boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

Errata

You're not being unreasonable, but he certainly knows which buttons to press to make you feel that way.
I dunno - maybe it boils down to "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it's usually a duck".

caroleann

Errata wrote: »

You're not being unreasonable, but he certainly knows which buttons to press to make you feel that way.
I dunno - maybe it boils down to "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it's usually a duck".

You are all so on the ball, you especially!!!!! I know you are right, and he will play right into my hands over the next few days if we are all right, by telling me he cant do it......
Then at least I know what and who im dealing with, and if he quacks!!!!!

caroleann

margaretclare wrote: »

No, you're definitely NOT being unreasonable.

The wife is the one who's being unreasonable, and he's scared of her - he's a wimp, in other words. He's a big girl's blouse!

Either he's prepared to go ahead with the divorce, or he's not. Sounds as if he's not. If he was serious about divorce, he'd do it. I know what I'd do, with such a man. He certainly would have no access to my bed, that would be the very first of his privileges to go.

He didn't have to tell her she'd be getting the divorce papers. If they've been married that long, he must have had a fair idea what her reaction would be. If he has no equity in the matrimonial home then he can reasonably argue for keeping his pension. It's a bargaining process between the solicitors. If they can't agree then a judge may be called on to pronounce.

It's not even as if there are young children that have to be taken into account and provided for.

Once again, you're not being unreasonable! What a wuss he's turning out to be!

Best wishes

Margaret

Thanks again Margaret,
They sold the marital home and each bought their own place, 60/40 split in her favour.
I told him I'd talked to some people yesterday to get different views, he wanted to know who???? I would'nt tell him, but he said I listen to other people too much!!!!! I said it only verified what I thought and felt anyway.
I agree that he wont get into my bed again till I know whats happening, that will kill him, very high sex drive, I wont like it but will stick to my guns to get an answer on this dilema.

glossgal

Really interesting thread, my sympathies to OP-nobody wants to feel like a spare part! I can see it from both sides though.

I agree that with assets already divided and older children he really doesn't have a viable excuse to keep things dragging on. On the other hand is the divorce thing a deal breaker, I mean do you really care if he divorces? Personally it wouldn't bother me at such an early stage in the relationship if he was acting like a man who was separated. If he has too many emotional connections to her then this is really the issue, the actual divorce is a red herring IMHO. Also, if he does have too close a bond with her than he should can you be sure the divorce would put a full stop to it anyway? My worry would be giving an ultimatum, he goes ahead against his better judgement and ends up resenting you. You become the 'bad guy' and he runs back to wifey! (maybe bit dramatic but not unheard of)

I'd keep quiet and employ a little reverse psychology for now...

ceridwen

One point here I would make.....that if/when (lets hope its when) he does come back to you - then it would be wise (as in - very wise) to show a lot of understanding re the pension. I know the law now allows for pension splitting and I know that his ex-wife has presumably lost out on accummulating her own pension because of bringing up their children. So - on the one hand - I can see her point in going for the pension-splitting (if she does so). On the other hand - I can see his point at being upset at the prospect of losing some of his pension (as hes earned it - and it would all stay his if there hadnt been any marriage). You dont know the extent to which he will be upset at losing some of his pension (I can only speak for myself - in that my upset would increase in proportion to how much I had also chosen to have the children - or whether I had just got lumbered with her saying "I've decided to have a baby, another baby, etc" (the operative word being "I" - as decisions to have children are supposed to be mutual - but it seems often arent).

So - as I said - I see his ex's viewpoint (provided having children was a mutual decision - not hers alone) on the one hand - but on t'other hand I personally think I'd "commit murder" (well - I'd certainly be strongly tempted!) if anyone ever went after any of my pension (but no-one would have any moral rights whatsoever to mine - as no-one has given up any pension-earning chances of their own to be with me ever).

moanymoany

That you brought the subject onto the boards shows that his behaviour bothers you and is preventing your and him having the kind of relationship you want.

His relationship with his wife shows that the relationship is not in the past, but is very much still there. It may not be the same as when they were together, but there is clearly an emotional tie.

The reaction of his adult children is a very common one. I remember a woman who lived with a nasty man but put up with misery until her children grew up. When the youngest went to uni she left - and the children sided with dad as they saw her as the marriage wrecker. Adult children and divorce do not mix!

You are really on the horns of a dilemma. At the moment it looks as if he sees you as the person who provides the 'womanly' things in his life. However, his comittment to you is does not seem to be very strong. It could be that he simply does not want to take the bull by the horns and deal with outstanding issues. Margaretclare hit the nail on the head with what she said. His wife has him nicely on a string and may well be paying him back for past injuries. Whatever, while he is married to her it is impossible for him to move on.

ceridwen

Moany - "providing the womanly things in his life" - well, that was a very tactful way of putting things (which I will add to my own vocabulary).

I think we have to give the man credit that it could be that he really loves O.P. - but is feeling very torn about his pension - and possibly/probably the childrens reaction if he is seen as the initiator of the divorce (that is a good point). One's heart and head dont necessarily work in tandem (well - mine have sometimes been difficult to "yoke together" - so I tend to assume the same for other people). I've lost count of how many "battles" I've had over the years between my heart and my head - so I can relate to other people having these battles. Those who operate purely and simply from heart only or head only are ones I sometimes envy.

moanymoany

ceridwen wrote: »

Moany - "providing the womanly things in his life" - well, that was a very tactful way of putting things (which I will add to my own vocabulary).

I think we have to give the man credit that it could be that he really loves O.P. - but is feeling very torn about his pension - and possibly/probably the childrens reaction if he is seen as the initiator of the divorce (that is a good point). One's heart and head dont necessarily work in tandem (well - mine have sometimes been difficult to "yoke together" - so I tend to assume the same for other people). I've lost count of how many "battles" I've had over the years between my heart and my head - so I can relate to other people having these battles. Those who operate purely and simply from heart only or head only are ones I sometimes envy.

I agree, he could well love O.P., but he just doesn't want to deal with outstanding issues - maybe if he ignores it it will simply go away.

The thing is, the pension issue is going to come up sooner or later. Princess Diana told the world that there were three people in her marriage. I think in second marriages and relationships this is often the case. The first family doesn't simply disappear. It takes a lot of work for someone to keep old and new relationships in balance.

Bye the bye ceridwen - me old pal me old beauty - I meant those warm and comforting things like cooking, washing, ironing, shopping, housework as well as

cheepskate_2

caroleann wrote: »

I agree that he wont get into my bed again till I know whats happening, that will kill him, very high sex drive, .

Mabye not... I wonder if the wifey will be a shoulder to cry on .

moanymoany

The bottom line here is that O.P. needs to know if there is still anything - any feelings - that this man has for his wife. It is much better that she finds out now rather than down the line.