boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

haylibo

Caroleann, sorry if I misinterpreted your search for answers. It just looks a bit over involved when a new GF starts to look at the financial arrangements of a man and his ex but now I completely get it so do accept my apologies (please).

I have no experience of this situation or the paranoia - in the non clinical sense;)- it seems to bring on when your OH isn't being completely upfront. Hope you get some answers.
Hayles

moanymoany

margaretclare wrote: »

Oh caroleann. I don't know how best to support you or advise you, although I do feel for you. I think the others are right in what they say.

Just....cool it a bit, perhaps? Not be quite so available to him? He sounds as if he 'wants it all', his marriage, and you on the side there for when he wants. Now you're getting through your own divorce, it could be that, as the late Princess Diana said, you need another marriage 'like a rash'. Start to develop some interests of your own and perhaps don't be there when he comes round/phones, whatever. Or you could say to him 'I think we need a bit of space. I think things have been getting a bit too heavy and I'd rather not.' Just leave it like that, it's putting the ball back into his court and leaving yourself free.

Does that help?

Margaret

Wise words, wise words margaretclare. Following her advice will soon let you know just where you stand.

I read the post about a husband using the pension/financial thing as a reason not to divorce. For me that sets the alarm bells ringing.

1. Is he using it as a way of not getting married again?

2. Is he using it to keep a control thing over his wife?

3. Is he still attached to her and hopes for a reconciliation in the future?

While there is this bone of contention between the new couple, the new relationship will not flourish properly as the new partner must feel that there is a lack of committment. Which there is!

caroleann

haylibo wrote: »

Caroleann, sorry if I misinterpreted your search for answers. It just looks a bit over involved when a new GF starts to look at the financial arrangements of a man and his ex but now I completely get it so do accept my apologies (please).

I have no experience of this situation or the paranoia - in the non clinical sense;)- it seems to bring on when your OH isn't being completely upfront. Hope you get some answers.
Hayles

Hi Hayles,
Thank you for understanding, apologies accepted of course, I do feel a bit paranoid at times, it all seems so simple to me but he just sighs, shakes his head and sighs at me, makes me feel like its 'ME', not him that is being unreasonable, have had a big talk to him this morning and said that I dont want to be with a married man who has no intention of getting a divorce, he either wants to stay married or be with me and I'm not gonna be his 'bit on the side', he's been very quiet all day, shed a few tears and when he left said, 'I do love you, I just wish you'd wait, no one likes being given an ultimatum'. dont know when I'm gonna see him again now, hope I can be strong and not get in touch and that he will make the right decision, will keep you posted, and thanks again for realising I dont want any money AT ALL.

caroleann

ceridwen wrote: »

I dont know how old you are...but presumably you are hoping for a "lifetime" relationship (I'm saying this speaking from my own viewpoint - as are we all of course)....if he really wants you, then he will come for you...try and sit back and chill.....

Yes......I know its (incredibly) difficult - been there!!!!

Hi Ceirdwen,
I just had my big 5. 0. birthday, but I'm a very young 50:j so I'm told, but yes I'm looking for a life partner, he is everything I want in a man apart from this lack of committment, if he would just be open and honest with me about the divorce, he clams up when I try to talk to him about it and it's never the 'right' time, he sites the kids, pension and even this morning said he's not sure of the stupid things she may do if asked for a divorce, when I asked what kind of things he cant tell me and just shakes his head, its so frustrating!!!!!!

NAR

caroleann wrote: »

he's been very quiet all day, shed a few tears and when he left said, 'I do love you, I just wish you'd wait, no one likes being given an ultimatum'.

It's about time he realised that there are two sides in a relationship and he stopped being a selfish git! What if the shoe was on the other foot - would he be as patient as you have been?
If he's not prepared to take positive action then why should you put your life on hold?

caroleann

Hi NAR,
Thanks for that, I said the exact thing to him this morning, how would he feel if his divorce was imminent and I had no intention of divorcing my ex? he just nodded,he has a knack of making me feel like im being totally unreasonable, tell me I'm not...... Please.

NAR

caroleann wrote: »

Hi NAR,
Thanks for that, I said the exact thing to him this morning, how would he feel if his divorce was imminent and I had no intention of divorcing my ex? he just nodded,he has a knack of making me feel like im being totally unreasonable, tell me I'm not...... Please.

I'll even shout it - YOU'RE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE! :rotfl: :rotfl:

caroleann

margaretclare wrote: »

He can't be open and honest with you. There are things he can't tell you. He just 'wishes you'd wait'.

Wait? For what? And for how long?

He doesn't have to 'ask her for a divorce'. He sees his solicitor and gets the papers drawn up and served on her. He doesn't have to be there when she receives them.

Everything has to go 'on the table' though. Both parties have to make a 'full and frank' disclosure of all assets. It was amusing (well, looking back on it now) in DH's divorce, there were determined attempts made to 'prove' that he had assets that he wasn't disclosing (a family solicitor described this as the 'pot of gold syndrome' and said it was common). DH was supposed to have a valuable red Jaguar, not an old white Ford, and to have driven past her door in the Jaguar to harass her - 170 miles away!!

It may be that he has to give up the remaining equity in the house in return for keeping his pension. Only he knows which he'd rather have.

HTH

Margaret

Hi Margaret,
He had papers drawn up in September of last year, all that was needed was his signature on the documents the solicitor sent him, in the mean time he mentioned to his ex that she would be receiving his divorce papers soon, all hell broke lose apparently, she went a bit mental in the bedroom of her house where they were talking, kids were downstairs, poking a coathanger in his face and screaming at him that he was hurting his kids not to mention what he was doing to her!!!!! then the pension was mentioned, she'd said she would'nt touch it previously, now she wants it.
He came back to me with his tail between his legs, I did'nt realise he then did'nt go ahead with serving the papers on her, thought solicitor was being a bit slow and that things were going ahead, very slowly, WRONG!
He received a letter at my house saying that since so many weeks had passed without hearing from him that the case would be put on file, I was shocked, thats when I found out he'd stopped the divorce proceedings.
She has her own house now, he has no equity in it at all, she has two sons living with her, 17 and 23, daughter has left home and other son at college in Southhampton.

caroleann

NAR wrote: »

I'll even shout it - YOU'RE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE! :rotfl: :rotfl:

Cheers, he makes me wonder at times!:beer:

ceridwen

caroleann wrote: »

Hi Hayles,
Thank you for understanding, apologies accepted of course, I do feel a bit paranoid at times, it all seems so simple to me but he just sighs, shakes his head and sighs at me, makes me feel like its 'ME', not him that is being unreasonable, have had a big talk to him this morning and said that I dont want to be with a married man who has no intention of getting a divorce, he either wants to stay married or be with me and I'm not gonna be his 'bit on the side', he's been very quiet all day, shed a few tears and when he left said, 'I do love you, I just wish you'd wait, no one likes being given an ultimatum'. dont know when I'm gonna see him again now, hope I can be strong and not get in touch and that he will make the right decision, will keep you posted, and thanks again for realising I dont want any money AT ALL.

Right on.......now stay chilled....sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. I've seen a case where it worked to the extent they have been married for over 50 years to date. I've seen another one (mine:mad:) where it didnt work (but - in hindsight - what on earth was the man in question playing at anyway - errr:o ......long story attached to that one.......which seemed eventually, as far as I can see, to come down to him being an "abusive" sort of person....as in abuse of power situation).

In your case - it could go either way - but I do believe its the right thing to do.