boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

caroleann

dmg24 wrote: »

I'm confused - are you the same person as the OP?

Sorry,dont know what you mean, i'm the one asking about whether my boyfriend is using his pension as an excise not to divorce his wife.

caroleann

margaretclare wrote: »

Caroleann, it's only my opinion but...it could be that he IS using this as an excuse to commit. The idea of him 'not wanting to upset her' suggests this.

May I suggest that you get your own divorce out of the way and allow his to go through as well, THEN when you're both free you'll both be better placed emotionally to decide whether you want to commit to another relationship, or not.

HTH

Margaret

Margaret, his divorce is not going through at all, it was started back in September then came to a halt as soon as she mentioned pension, he has'nt been in touch with his solicitor since.

caroleann

zoelouise88 wrote: »

if it was me i would tell him to get on with it! but im an impatient person i couldnt just wait around and put evrything on hold just so his wife and children dont get upset, if his children were younger then it would be understandable.

Hi Zoelouis,
Your'e the only person that has picked up on the ages of the 'Children', apart from me and my family,theyr'e not exactly children are they? even the 17 year old is 18 next month!!!
Is it me???????

Errata

Oh dear - he doesn't want to upset the wife, yet he has you in tears even though he's kind and loving? Looks like there are a few mixed messages being given out.
When will he divorce? Good question and something that will be decided by him and his wife jointly or individually. Could be never.
Sounds like he's had his boat rocked over the pension splitting but the starting point for sharing the assets after a long marriage, and any marriage longer than 10 years is considered to be a long one, is 50/50. Do the math.

caroleann

margaretclare wrote: »

I think if I was you then, I would back off. Please don't take offence at this - it's said with the kindest of intentions. You could be headed for a lot of heartache.

I agree with you about 'when the time is right' - this is meaningless. Either his marriage is over and he wants a divorce, or it's not over. It sounds to me as if he doesn't know which!

Best wishes

Margaret

I know deep down there is something not right, im not prepared to be treat like a fool, if he wanted me I'm sure he would do something to show me he was serious about us, what do you suggest I do or say? just a guideline for me to follow, and a bit of support please.

belfastgirl23

On the children, just to say that adult children might find all this even harder than younger children since they're old enough to know exactly what divorce means. I think how he treats his ex will also impact directly on how his children view him (they're old enough to know who is and isn't behaving fairly) and this is bound to be playing a part in his thoughts.

Personally I don't think any of it is really to do with the money it's to do with you feeling or not feeling that he is committed to your relationship. I'd focus on that and on the quality of time and interaction you have between the two of you than on the ex....

PS we cross posted I reckon there's no substitute for talking to him but focussed very much on you and him and leaving the other issues aside. Maybe he's not ready for another full on relationship yet? But I'd really bite my tongue on mentioning the ex.

dmg24

caroleann wrote: »

Sorry,dont know what you mean, i'm the one asking about whether my boyfriend is using his pension as an excise not to divorce his wife.

Are you the original poster? Did you start this thread? I'm only asking because you have a different username?

Errata

How about these options -

Ask him when he's going to move his divorce proceedings along

or

Ask him to sit down with you and you do the math together on what his financial situation would look like if all the maritial assets were split 50/50

or

Ask him how he plans to incorporate his children into your relationship. Will you all have Sunday dinner together once a month? Will any of them want to stay the occasional weekend with him and will you be part of the weekend's social activities?

caroleann

dmg24 wrote: »

Are you the original poster? Did you start this thread? I'm only asking because you have a different username?

Yes im the original poster, had to re register for some reason today when i tried to log on, but my user name should be the same, Caroleann.

caroleann

Errata wrote: »

How about these options -

Ask him when he's going to move his divorce proceedings along

or

Ask him to sit down with you and you do the math together on what his financial situation would look like if all the maritial assets were split 50/50

or

Ask him how he plans to incorporate his children into your relationship. Will you all have Sunday dinner together once a month? Will any of them want to stay the occasional weekend with him and will you be part of the weekend's social activities?

Hi, good questions,

He wont even discuss moving on his divorce proceedinggs. till the time is right.

All the marital assets are split up now, and have been for 17 months when the marital home was sold.

There is no way his kids want to meet me, they are loyal to his wife and would feel they were betraying her by meeting me, three of them are boys and just dont want to get involved.