boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

loopy_lass

i can say too much on here, but with mine, he left his wife, moved in with me (didnt leave her for me i may add) now thinks i owe him the world cos by moving in with me she wont have him back.

Now hes playing head games to get what he wants by saying she wants him back, he actually went to meet her last fri and came back and said he is going to think about his options!!

problem is, to put it in a nutshell, he is an alcoholic (VERY MUCH) biggoted, chauvenistic bully, and if im honest im scared.... but summoning up the strength to sort it out.

loops

ceridwen

Hi loopy lass

Well - that one sounds clearcut from where I'm standing...right outside it I do know.

Tell him that of course you'll miss him if he does decide to go back to his ex (like heck you will by the sound of it - but pretend!) - but that its up to him - you want his happiness - you dont want to feel he'd resent you if he stayed with you. With any luck he will go back to her. If not - well, at least you should be free of the head games.

Re the fear of him - had you tried looking up Womens Aid?

Sounds like you'd be well to leave him - if he doesnt leave you first.

Good luck - will be sending out positive vibes in your direction it works out for you.

miserly_mum

loopy_lass wrote: »

i can say too much on here, but with mine, he left his wife, moved in with me (didnt leave her for me i may add) now thinks i owe him the world cos by moving in with me she wont have him back.

Now hes playing head games to get what he wants by saying she wants him back, he actually went to meet her last fri and came back and said he is going to think about his options!!

problem is, to put it in a nutshell, he is an alcoholic (VERY MUCH) biggoted, chauvenistic bully, and if im honest im scared.... but summoning up the strength to sort it out.

loops

Yeah well he sounds like a REAL catch...... can't think why Wifey let him go in the first place :rolleyes:

fairy3

Hello Caroleann,

just wanted to add, hope you had a great night out, stepping back is never wasted and I think you are doing a great job!

Re: NHS pension of his wife is 'not worth much' would not be so sure. I have a pension having paid for many years and it is worth quite a bit more. Would be interesting to find out how long she has worked as a nurse?

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

G
x

margaretclare

If wife has an NHS pension it may be worth more than you think. This is still one of the better public-sector schemes on offer.

In the 'ancillary relief' part of a divorce settlement i.e. the financial matters, BOTH parties have to make a 'full and frank' disclosure of all assets. Her pension fund has to go on the table as well as his.

PENNYWISE_3

loopy_lass wrote: »

problem is, to put it in a nutshell, he is an alcoholic (VERY MUCH) biggoted, chauvenistic bully, and if im honest im scared.... but summoning up the strength to sort it out.

loops

take care of yourself hun x

PENNYWISE_3

hm, i am not impressed, just typed a reply & it's disappeared :mad:

Caroleann, I seem to have missed a lot over bank hol, my goodness, what's this about Australia & visa's?!! I hope we've got wrong end of that stick (or is it a Boomerang?!), have you asked him if he had to do medical?

Hope you're managing to stay strong, night out without him seems very good idea to show him you have your own life and not always at his beck and call. Did you have a good time?

thinking of u

x

dawna_2

Just wanted to come in at this point with some experience about married men having affairs.
My friends father did something very similar to Margaretclares husband. He met his now girlfriend in an internet chat room, and met up with her in a hotel, and started having an affair. The marriage was in difficulties, but is impossible to say whether or not it could have been saved.
The point is therefore when does it become acceptable to sleep in the same bed as a married man?(even if they are unable to do anything like margarets husband) because the marriage is over?
I think the marriage is over when you can be honest about the next relationship. I am sure that margaretclares husband did not say to his exwife "I have been advertising for someone to speak to in a chat room. I have found someone, and now I am meeting her in a hotel room and we will share a bed" Even if he was unable to do anything, I am sure she would not have liked it.
That is dishonest, and I could never be with a dishonest man. I think I would also have a little more respect for myself.
Even if the wife was "violent, unreliable, unstable, and extravagant", she was his wife, and did at least deserve respect and honesty.
What happens between husband and wife in a marriage, is private, and not for public consumption. We also have only one side of the story here.
The heartache and sorrow in my friends house after her father did this was terrible, and would not wish it on my worse enemy.
It made me realise that I could never be with a dishonest man like this.
Carolean, I am sorry for your troubles, but you really must wait for the marriage to be truly over.

caroleann

PENNYWISE wrote: »

hm, i am not impressed, just typed a reply & it's disappeared :mad:

Caroleann, I seem to have missed a lot over bank hol, my goodness, what's this about Australia & visa's?!! I hope we've got wrong end of that stick (or is it a Boomerang?!), have you asked him if he had to do medical?

Hope you're managing to stay strong, night out without him seems very good idea to show him you have your own life and not always at his beck and call. Did you have a good time?

thinking of u

x

Hello to all you ladies out there who have helped, responded, ranted sympathised, read, listened etc to my ravings over the last couple of weeks, I felt I had to come on to the site to bring you up to date on the situation.
The night out I had planned on Saturday was cancelled till the Sunday so at 6.30 I texd BF to see if he still wanted to see me, he replied immediatley 'Yes'
so I got ready and he picked me up an hour later and took me out for a meal, I know what you're all saying...... I was supposed to be playing it cool well I would have been bored and alone and depressed so thats why I texd him, also though we could have another attempt at sorting out this dilema.
We started to talk again about it and as usual I ended up in tears at the table, he was apologetic and said he would do something but again no idea when...
I told him I would never have got involved with him if i'd known this was going to be his attitude, we walked to the car in silence and when I got in I really broke down as I knew I was going to end it there and then.
When he said :
'Give me a month, I will speak to her and my solicitor in that time' so that is the situation as it stands, He has till 22nd April to proove to me he is divorcing her or it's OVER, let me know your reactions to this, I do listen to you all.

Caroleann

Errata

Looks like the penny has dropped with him. I hope he didn't just say that because he sensed you were going to give him his marching orders, and didn't want that to happen for .......... any number of reasons, one of which is that he loves you and another is he senses your need for him and is making use of it.

Stay on his case. The discussion has moved on and the divorce is out in the open so you're entitled to very regular progress reports which have a very great bearing on the future life you'll have together. You're a couple, couples negotiate, discuss and make joint decisions about the great events which will effect their lives as a couple.

Sometimes men need a kick up the !!!!! to concentrate their minds - they can do letting things drift along to Olympic standards !

Really pleased to see your post. I've been thinking about you, as I'm sure others have. If I lived in Newcastle/Gateshead I'd be dragging you out for some girly social activities without him.