boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

caroleann

antronella wrote: »

Caroleann, just read through all this thread and wanted to say I really do hope it works out for you x

Thank you for your support,:A

caroleann

Errata wrote: »

Switch your phone off girl. They're the spawn of the devil at times like this !
Enjoy the snow, it's started down here now.

I'm just back and chillin, not in any hurry to put him out of his misery, cant turn phone off coz daughter is out and about and its our lifeline.
cheers for your comments, you sound a tough cookie, wish I was more like you.:o
Caroleann

jimsmum

caroleann wrote: »

HI jimsmum,

I like it, just got back in, its lovely out there now, sent him a text saying 'Just contemplating what to say/do, blackmail is a strong term'
havent heard anything more, may send him you suggestion in the next half hour!!!!:D

Its lovely outside here too but its cold

I wouldn't have bothered even putting that.


The start of a relationship is supposed to be fun , you do not to me sound like you are having fun , if this is what its like now , whats it going to be like in the future ?

caroleann

I agree, we could be together now having fun, walking dogs in the snow having a laugh, getting ready together to go out, loving each other the way I want it to be, but if i dont come before the wife i cant do any of these things, it makes me sad and mad, just a commitment to do it by say the summer would do, but an open ended arrangement wont work for me, I love him deeply and wish we could sort it out, he knows what I want so surely I dont have to keep repeating myself, im not blackmailing, just want him to end his marriage officially, why would he not want to do that?

ceridwen

you hang on in there gal.....take it one day at a time....right now....meal out coming up (not with him). Start planning what you are going to wear/choose from menu...

Errata

I don't think you're being unfair. You're both in sight of retirement so time is not on your side. What may be a reasonable timespan for someone in their 20's may be far too long for someone in their 50's.
I think he needs to tell you exactly when he'll divorce his wife and become a couple with you. This will enable you to decide if it's worth hanging around for 5 or more years or if that timescale won't meet your future needs and free yourself off to meet someone else.

Just a thought - if the wife is a nurse she may have an NHS pension which she will have to split with him, should the judge decide that's fair.

Errata

margaretclare wrote: »

Well, to be honest, it didn't seem appropriate to me to have a 'boy-friend' given that at the time I was a 62-year old widow! And I am not telling anyone what they should/shouldn't do. I responded to a much earlier post in this thread, a few pages back, saying that a boy-friend couldn't be a boy-friend while he was still married to someone else. Can't remember who wrote that.

You say your ex-husband wouldn't give you a divorce. Did you never think of initiating the divorce process yourself in all that time?

Initially, DH came here because if he hadn't he might have done something silly - he was in such a state of mind, it was pitiable to see a man like him, and with so little in the way of worldly goods after a lifetime of work in good jobs, just like a refugee. He asked me if I really meant it, as he stood on the doorstep in the rain, if I had changed my mind, because if I had he would go. Where, he didn't say. 'It didn't matter where I went. I was never going back to Nottingham. In my mind I divorced her the minute I locked the door for the last time. I didn't care where I went so long as it was away. I'd have driven until the petrol ran out'.

So, initially he was my lodger. And then my friend. And when he had an emergency hospital admission he became my partner and I was his next-of-kin. Eventually we got married and, as they say, the rest is history.

What I found most surprising and most refreshing about him is that he's as straight as a die, always told the truth and never lied to me. There were people at the time who expressed severe disapproval. 'He's left 2 other women before, he'll leave you, wait and see if he doesn't'. Well, just over 10 years now since that November night and he shows no signs of leaving. I could not cope with a bloke like Caroleann's. I'd never know where I was with him, and that's the worst thing, IMHO. OK, she knows he's married and not yet divorced, but the story keeps changing, and it's that uncertainty that I couldn't live with.

I should also say that I had never considered allowing a man to move in, not even into the spare room! I occasionally went for a drink with different guys but there was never any 'spark' there, and I never even invited any of them in for a cup of tea. So, it was as surprising to me as it was to DH when I heard myself saying 'If it gets too bad you could always come here'. He told me afterwards that my saying that had been 'manna from heaven' to him, water in the desert, and totally unexpected.

M

So what would the appropriate description be for a married man an older woman has come across in an internet chatroom, met up with in a hotel and gone to bed with that same night ? Hardly a lodger, and agree boyfriend sounds rather twee. I always feel honesty is the best policy and if someone has a man in their life, why not call them "The man in my life". Doubt anyone would mistake that to mean the handyman or gardener.

caroleann

Errata wrote: »

I don't think you're being unfair. You're both in sight of retirement so time is not on your side. What may be a reasonable timespan for someone in their 20's may be far too long for someone in their 50's.
I think he needs to tell you exactly when he'll divorce his wife and become a couple with you. This will enable you to decide if it's worth hanging around for 5 or more years or if that timescale won't meet your future needs and free yourself off to meet someone else.

Just a thought - if the wife is a nurse she may have an NHS pension which she will have to split with him, should the judge decide that's fair.

Only just 50 in December!!!! he's a toy boy of 46!!! Yes he mentioned she has an NHS pension but that it wouldn't be worth much.
I agree though, i dont want to be 55 and then have to go back out there and start looking all over again, I look pretty good at the moment, have lost 3 and a half stones since my divorce and feel great in a size 8-10, was in a 16 before that. but time is not on my side as you pointed out and if he's not up for the long term relationship I'd rather know now.

loopy_lass

hey caroleann

come out with me, im in same situation... lol... lets dump em and make a life of fun and happiness and going out without them.... ye reap what you sow sunshine!!!!!

getting stronger by the day. going to get rid..... soooooonnnn

loops

Curv

loopy_lass wrote: »

going to get rid..... soooooonnnn

Just out of interest, what's stopping you getting rid now?

Trust your gut instinct - it's there to keep you safe. If it feels wrong it IS wrong. End of.

I've been there myself... you know it's all over the first time you stick the two's up at their back as they walk out of the room... then weeks or months of wondering how you'll work it out/get out of it... but one morning you wake up and *BAM* the words are out of your mouth before you know what's happening... the relief is like nothing else.

No one dies. Everyone gets on with it. Time passes and before you know it you've moved on and all is well again.

Please don't waste time being unhappy... life is short. I speak from bitter experience.