boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

margaretclare

Curv wrote: »

Just out of interest, what's stopping you getting rid now?

Trust your gut instinct - it's there to keep you safe. If it feels wrong it IS wrong. End of.

I've been there myself... you know it's all over the first time you stick the two's up at their back as they walk out of the room... then weeks or months of wondering how you'll work it out/get out of it... but one morning you wake up and *BAM* the words are out of your mouth before you know what's happening... the relief is like nothing else.

No one dies. Everyone gets on with it. Time passes and before you know it you've moved on and all is well again.

Please don't waste time being unhappy... life is short. I speak from bitter experience.

No truer words have been spoken.

M

miserly_mum

margaretclare wrote: »

I responded to a much earlier post in this thread, a few pages back, saying that a boy-friend couldn't be a boy-friend while he was still married to someone else. Can't remember who wrote that.

You say your ex-husband wouldn't give you a divorce. Did you never think of initiating the divorce process yourself in all that time? M[/QUOTE

In Northern Ireland someone can't get a divorce without their spouses consent until they have been separated for 5 years. Even after 5 years they are still legally obliged to contact them to give them the opportunity to give their consent. Its a nightmare if you have an ex husband/wife who refuses to sign divorce papers just to be awkward or spiteful.

miserly_mum

margaretclare wrote: »

Ouch.

I really don't recall what we called each other at the time. But before I met him at the Travelodge, his marriage was dead although unburied. He wouldn't have been looking for friendship elsewhere if it hadn't been. I am not as much of a !!!!!! as your description above makes me out to be! M

Margaretclare, i'm sure no one thinks that, its just that in some of your posts on this thread you come accross as a bit "holier than thou".I'm sure thats not intentional.

At the end of the day you were seeing a married man who was still living with his wife. Luckily for you what he told you about his marriage was true and you have created a happy life together. It could all have been very different if he had been giving you the "my wife doesn't understand me" routine, as so many supposedly unhappily married men do. My now ex hubby bedded many naive women using that line while still living with me.

You advising people that they can't have a committed relationship with someone until that person has obtained a divorce first is......well a bit hard to take seriously given how you met your DH.

Some of us find ourselves unable to obtain a divorce through no fault of our own. Does that mean we aren't entitled to be happy with a new partner?

loopy_lass

Curv wrote: »

Just out of interest, what's stopping you getting rid now?

Trust your gut instinct - it's there to keep you safe. If it feels wrong it IS wrong. End of.

I've been there myself... you know it's all over the first time you stick the two's up at their back as they walk out of the room... then weeks or months of wondering how you'll work it out/get out of it... but one morning you wake up and *BAM* the words are out of your mouth before you know what's happening... the relief is like nothing else.

No one dies. Everyone gets on with it. Time passes and before you know it you've moved on and all is well again.

Please don't waste time being unhappy... life is short. I speak from bitter experience.

i know your rite, cant discuss on here, deleted post incase its seen!!! pm me if you want to discuss...

loops

tattycath

Good luck with it Caroleann. a few years ago I was going out with a guy who had been separated from his wife for 6 years. They were not divorced. He even went out socially with her and her new partner, and we went out socially with them as a foursome-it was a very weird arrangement. When I asked why they had not divorced he said they had agreed there didn't saeem to be any point as neither of them were getting married again just now so why bother with the expense. He was in her pocket (metaphorically speaking). He got some divorce papers ready to do the divorce just before we split up-but I suspect he didn't bother. Some men are just not worth the aggravation. Sounds to me like this guy is trying to manipulate you and dare I say, use you for his own ends-not considering your feelings at all. He's bvlowing hot and cold, I think you should blow him out. He doesn't deserve you and never will. Sounds like a load of excuses. You go out tonight, thoroughly enjoy yourself. You will decide for yourself if you want to carry on with the charade of trying to have a relationship with him. Only you can decide that, but I'd get rid-been there done that, got the t shirt and all the rest of it-I've had a couple of relationships if you can call them that when I've been manipulated and used, and played second fiddle to someone else. You learn through experience.
The best thing you could do is to tell him to go forth and multiply in sharp jerky movements-in other words fcuk off!!
Good luck whatever you decide to do.

miserly_mum

margaretclare wrote: »

Sorry about coming over as 'holier than thou'! And I did not realise at all that there was a difference in the divorce laws as they apply to Northern Ireland.

I was agreeing with someone else who was warning against the difficulties that may ensue in these type of circumstances, perhaps I shouldn't have agreed.

It never entered my head that he might have been giving me the 'usual wife doesn't understand me' line. I have a very healthy bullsh*t detector and I'm pretty sure I would have picked it up. Everything I learned about that woman in the process of his divorce, in meeting his relatives and even in meeting her father (dead now) and her daughter, convinced me that - as I keep saying - he never lied to me. She was violent, extravagant, unreliable and unstable. I have no regrets.




BTW it wasn't an internet chat room where I first 'met' him, it was just in a 'friendship forum' and it was the merest chance that I picked up a message saying 'Does anyone want to write to an older guy' or similar. Funnily enough, although we came from widely-different backgrounds, we were on the same wavelength from day one.

But...that doesn't help Caroleanne. She has been lied to. Her bloke has blown hot and cold, all over her one minute and then 'not wanting to upset his wife' the next minute. Her situation is completely different from what I went through 10 years ago. I was a widow. He had tried for 9 years to make that marriage work and it had got worse, not better. He was a 'battered husband' and no one believes a bloke whose wife is violent, verbally, emotionally and physically, towards him because it's assumed he's big enough to stand up for himself. He could easily have put her into ITU or worse, but didn't.

So, with us it wasn't just a question of 'wife doesn't understand me'. And I can't go into any more details on a public site about why the 'going to bed' bit is not what most people would assume. We did stay in the same room but that was as far as it went.

I hope that clarifies.
It
M

Margaretclare, you don't need to explain yourself, i'm not judging you and i'm sure neither is anyone else. Everyones circumstances are different. We just have to do what we feel is right at the time.

Getting back to Carolann........I know from personal experience the lies that separated men can tell. Not just to new GF but the wife aswell.

In my ex's case it was him hedging his bets with both of us incase it didn't work out with his GF or if i'd have been mad enough to take him back. In doing so he showed he had no respect for either of us.

I really hope this isn't the case with you Carolann although the more I read this thread the more it sounds like that is what he's doing.

haylibo

Caroleann, one of the bet pieces of advice I've seen on here is to read back through your own thread as if it was about someone else. Pop someone elses name in your place and see what you think of 'her' situation.

I do so hate the 'blackmail' accusation whenever you dare to make demands. Even if he sticks to his guns over the divorce you would expect him to understand your position and not to go off accusing you of blackmail or of listening to others as a means of dismissing you. Are you not allowed to have needs or wants that don't fit with his without him finding ways to invalidate them? Let him know you don't need his permission to have an opinion or to take a stand on your relationship. He's sounding a little more selfish with each of your posts which is a shame because it sounds like you love him and that, if he'd just sort himself out, the two of you could have a good relationship. Dozy man.
BW
Hayles

mademoiselle_2

Caroleanne -

He's not blowing hot and cold. He's being perfectly clear, in the inimitable fashion that only middle-aged men can.

THE SAD TRUTHS ABOUT MIDDLE AGED MEN - THAT THEY WILL NEVER DIRECTLY SPELL OUT TO MIDDLE AGED WOMEN.

1/ Wanting (and saying the right things to get) sex and attention, are
not the same thing as wanting a proper, committed relationship.

2/ All middle aged men believe that they deserve, and will get, a
beautiful 30 year old temptress. Despite all evidence to the contrary:
being fat, ugly, boring, poor etc.

3/ All middle aged men will take sex and attention from a woman their own
age - if it's all that's available at the time. Mark the words: if it's all
that's available at the time! They still believe in their inalienable right
to something younger, prettier, better - see (2) above.

4/ All middle aged men with an IQ higher than 4, know that to spell this out
means an end to sex and attention - see (1) above. So they don't.

5/ Instead, they come up with a multitude of reasons why they can't "be
with you". The best one of all is: still married.


Sorry if this hurts. Not trying to be harsh. And there will be sensible men, who don't act this way. But you know, the majority do!

The odds are against you. You are lavishing time, care and attention on someone who is going to dash your hopes and hurt you.

ellie14

Hi,Caroleann

Hope you had a lovely evening ,just wondering if said bf has ever introduced you to any of his family or friends,because nine months down the line and if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, would have thought he would have had it out in the open,or is he keeping you on the side lines.Men are notorious for doing just this.Some women (NOT YOU)will put up with anything rather than not have a man in their life ,but belive me if they are no good liars you are better off without them.Keep an open mind only you can decide if hes worth investing time on.You are doing the right thing ,keeping it cool and your options open,wouldnt mention the divorce again and if he brings it up I would say do what you want Im moving on .

Caz312

Hi Carolann

One point your "partner" may be missing is that my understanding is that in England and Wales the finances are sorted out as per time of divorce (unlike Scotland which is date of separation)
So he is in theory still paying into the pension pot that may be shared rather than ceasing the sharing pot and paying into his own. If finances not sorted out officially she may also be entitled to a % of his house equity (and him hers)
My partner has been separated 6 years (we have been together 3) and due to the fact that she was living abroad (with another man) the divorce wasn't kicked off until she moved back to the UK (to live with another man) Even now she was happy to get the divorce but wasn't keen to sort out the finances (he had nothing so wanted to wait till the pension pot was higher and he had assets) Nisi was last year and he is still trying to work on the finances before applying for the absolute - there are horror stories about women coming back 20 years down the line for £ as there was no clean break.