Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

System

I know its a defeatest attitude, but if i were you i would move 300 miles away from your inlaws, and forget to tell them your going and leave no forwarding address and phone number because i recon you will still be having this battle in 10 years time.

I agree, you shouldnt be paying to keep your in laws in the manner they want to be accustomed to. I would be filled with shame if i had to ask my kids for money just to pay for a holiday...... They ought to be damned ashamed of themselves.

tammy_3

I think its really greedy to ask.......as a child i barely asked my parents and would never ever dream of asking anyone else. What really gets me is that his brother has loads of kids and they are the biggest scrouges i have met. They dont buy pressies really for other peoples kids (although i know SHE buys her family presents!), hes really under the thumb! THey hav e trained their kids to ASK for presents if they dont get any. I know for a fact when i have mine they WONT get them which is why i have said to my OH cut down on the cost of presents...... When we have kiddies if they are not doted on (like he used to and still does a little doting on their kids) then i will cut out all presents, i will stop all treats and if those greedy mites asked for presents i will say go and ask your parents. To be honest i cant stand the kids of this particular pair and i cant stand this particular pair as they are loud and rude and scrougners, the lot of them. The kids are rude to their grandparents, the litle girl called her gran (my motherinlaw) stupid and i just wanted to slap her one. These kids are a nightmare with very little discipline. In terms of rewarding them with gifts for get it......they arent poor, they save all theirbenefit money as they spend the entire day at my inlaws so save out costs on meals and electricity-

In terms of the younger brother inlaws lviving at inlaws they are workign right now but have had long spells of unemployment in whch his mum expects us to help out. BUT we dont.......ON top of being unemployment and not bothering to work, these boys dont bothr to claim benefits either!!!!!!!! Yet their mum used to wake them at 1pm to make sure they had their lunch. I told her dont wake them at 1pm, throw a glass of cold water ont heir face at 9am and have them out of the house by 10am looking for jobs! THey (parents inlaw) dont know how to raise or discipline kids and hence why they look at my OH for help. Not sure whyhe turned out well? Was it greedy of me to pinch the only fresh grape on the bunch?!!!

My inlaws arent poor though as i know they have 10k worth of gold/money- they are just tite and holding on to their money......perhaps they are thinking their sons wont look after them when they are old BUT if they raised them properly they woudl look after them WHEN they are old.

margaretclare

Judi wrote:

I know its a defeatist attitude, but if i were you i would move 300 miles away from your inlaws, and forget to tell them your going and leave no forwarding address and phone number because i reckon you will still be having this battle in 10 years time.

I agree, you shouldn't be paying to keep your in laws in the manner they want to be accustomed to. I would be filled with shame if i had to ask my kids for money just to pay for a holiday...... They ought to be damned ashamed of themselves.

I totally, totally agree with all of this! I too - I wouldn't dream of asking for money so blatantly. I just wouldn't!

And Tammy, you say your in-laws have £10K stashed away? They DO NOT need money or help of any kind from you! The Benefits Agency would be very interested to hear this, I'm sure.

If I was to have £10K in savings....I should only be so lucky!!

All credit to your husband for turning out different from this crowd of no-hopers. I don't know what you're going to do about this situation, Tammy - one thing is clear, you can't go on like this.

Aunty Margaret

loopy_lass

what is this 10k????? lol... does £6.38 come near? which is all i have now till next tues... whooooooo hooooo....

x

Gingham_Ribbon

I've been so interested in this thread I actually read the whole thing! I usually skip pages if it's a long one!

No advice really, just wanted to say I hope you work something out. It seems that you've got lots to think about from all these posts. You're right not to give them anything financially. The whole family (hubby excepted) seem to want everything for nothing.

I can imagine it's tough on you though. It's not easy to be so different to your in laws. My sister in law wanted to sit in our house while we got married because she didn't want to set foot in an evil Catholic church. (We live round the corner from the church and she was intending to come over from the Canaries.) But she wanted to be on the wedding pics and join in with the eating and drinking afterwards. We told her either come and celebrate that we love each other or stay away. She didn't come. It was hard to watch her slap him in the face like that, knowing her bigotry towards me had been the cause of it.

Sorry, it's not at all the same, but just thought I'd share! LOL

Loretta

I feel so sorry for you, you do not want to spend your whole life fighting your in laws, it will become a nightmare and will come between you and your husband. Make quite sure that your husband and you agree on a plan. You need to back off from the inlaws, get some space, do not get bogged down with all the details. You are quite sure that you do not want their lifestyle. You have both worked hard to get your degrees, you must have studied something you are interested in and you must have jobs that you wanted to do and enjoy doing. This is the only time in your life you will have any money to spare. once you have children they seem to have some sort of radar that they can home in on and know when you have some spare money and they are excellent at 'guilty parent syndrome'and somehow persuade you to hand it over, the word 'I need' takes over from 'I want'!!!! I have 3, I know!!

You are the stage in your life where you have worked hard, you are saving for your own home and setting up your life together and planning for your future, it should be a really exciting time. This is the time to do the romantic weekends away and the special holidays, I think you mentioned Mauritius, you won't be doing that when you have children it will be Mickey Mouse all the way believe me.

I am sure that your problem is not a difference in culture, or an asian culture problem, I am sure it is a 'Millers from Eastenders' culture, race does not come into it, there are every kind of scroungers.

BOTH OF YOU and it does have to be both of you must agree that you will do what every other newly married couple is entitled to do. Tell the in laws that you have drawn a line under the 'old system'. Earn your living, save up for the home and the life you want together. There is no money to spare however much you both earn there never is. Why should you work hard and earn to pay the bills and then hand over the money to a bunch of scroungers that should be paying for your 'good bits' and your treats' you have earned these treats so take them - no guilt. Forget the guilt. As Judi says try and move a little way away, and do the polite social bit without getting involved or personal or on a day to day basis. Become semi detached. You have a new family now, you and your husband and when you are ready you will have children. You all deserve to use all the money you earn on yourselves and you will need every penny when children arrive, no one can afford children, that's scary enough, do not even think about sharing your earnings and NO GUILT.

You will not change these people, they have no intention of chaning, why should they, they are on to a good thing, they will not give up easily. remember NO MORE GUILT.

The most important thing is that you and your husband are totally together on this. If you are not you might as well finish it now because it will ruin your life.

I will watch wih interest, you only get one life, don't waste it, this isn't a rehearsal, life is a one/off

Gingham_Ribbon

I have been thinking about your situation and hope I didn't sound flippant. This is not a situation I would want to find myself in.

I agree with Loretta. It helps for you both to be together on what you choose to do. But of course it's natural for him to feel torn. From the sounds of it, it's certainly not going to be a case of you coming between him and his mum, rather her greed, selfishness and laziness coming between them.

Most good people who have had loving, kind parents would do anything for them. If his family were in a desperate situation and NEEDED help it would be different. Or if they had tirelessly given to him/both of you it would be appropriate to give in return. This sounds like neither is true.

I wish you luck.

Zziggi

margaretclare wrote:

I totally, totally agree with all of this! I too - I wouldn't dream of asking for money so blatantly. I just wouldn't!

And Tammy, you say your in-laws have £10K stashed away? They DO NOT need money or help of any kind from you! The Benefits Agency would be very interested to hear this, I'm sure.
Aunty Margaret

But if the £10K is in the form of jewellry/gold etc etc [as was said earlier in this thread i believe] then this is not classed as capital/wealth. So the benefits agency would not be able to do anything.

meheraltaf

tammy wrote:

cos of his backwards interferring family who actually convinced him to split up with me in the early years as they wanted him to have an arranged marriage.........

Bless your Asian inlaws....:rolleyes:

I havent read more than a fews lines, I could well imagine what would follow. I cannot understand why people have to go for marriages where they cannot just respect each other. It is beyond me to understand that. Surely if anyone truly loves someone, there will be so much understanding, sensitivity and sacrifice from both ends-seems like it is lacking here.

Also why cant British Pakistani men find lovely Pakistani girls if their parents are conservative. There are lovely intelligent girls who have shyness in their eyes and respect for the world around them and not so loud mouthed and with so much selfishness as is the case in some of the westernised Asian girls.

Well, good luck to you and my sympathies with your parents in law who might have brought up their son with so much love and care and perhaps their only expectation would be one of respect from the son and his family.

rabialiones

wasnt aware that this thread was still ongoing, anyway, meheraltaf , i agree with you to a certain extent which is relevant in most cases.
however, i have witnessed the few who may have raised a cause of concern and suspicion for others.
as in the change after arriving here. some of them become selfish and have a certain goal or aim. instead of pursuing a settled life, they too want to become westernised like their british counterparts (no disrespect, as i am also one), which is not a bad thing if they stick to their islamic (not cultural, i stress) identity. what is sad is that, they lose the shyness in their eyes, their gentle voices and all the other attributes that they were initially respected for.
i have seen a few cases where, the host family have been put thru hell , thru lies and deceitfullness, just for material satisfaction, (which is only short-lasting). benefits system being took advantage of, again for the same reason.
there are intelligent, shy, educated muslim girls out here, in britain, who are eligible for marriage. its just that they do not go out and make people aware. they are waitin for that handsome, eligible, respectful person to knock on their door.