Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

tammy_3

Bossyboots wrote:

That is a very succinct and accurate description.

I second that! It seems as although MIL issues arent confined to one particular race although i must admit i still think its more of a problem in indian/pakistani families!

Never mind we have to strive to do our best- And the problem with sortign the issues is that they think the issue is me, a controlling wife, when really i am far from that i jsut dont want to be a door mat wife! In terms of kids, having seen the job theyve done on their own (my hubby excluded) there is no way any kids of mine are going to do more than a sunday 1hr tea like we normally do! ANd i think that will cause further problems......

jellyhead

tammy, no advice and i'm not in your situation but i just wanted to send you a hug! i agree with your main point, they they should be working, and their other children certainly should be working. if your in-laws had poor health they would be on a different benefit, job seekers allowance is for those who are perfectly capable of working. incidentally if they're on benefits then every penny they ever squeezed out of your husband should have been declared so their benefits could be reduced accordingly.

my father has retired to spain with his new wife, in their 40's - the difference is that they both worked very hard before retirement and they have pensions or something, they don't claim benefits and they don't ask for money from anyone else. there's no reason for your in laws to be retired and there's certainly no reason for the younger children to not be working - of course you shouldn't let MIL look after your babies, they would be brought up in a household where everyone claims benefits and nobody thinks they should get a job, those are not values you'd wish your children to pick up!!

it's a shame your in laws aren't more like your own parents, but you can't change them. hopefully your husband will stand up for himself - if the in laws move away who will support his lazy younger brothers? will he be expected to pay their bills while they lounge around not working?!

Bossyboots

tammy wrote:

And the problem with sortign the issues is that they think the issue is me, a controlling wife, .

If I didn't know better I would think we were one and the same person.

Reading your post I just recalled to mind a discussion I had with my husband's (female) cousin just after their youngest (male) cousin married. He was the last of them to marry. There had been a few problems along the lines I have pointed out of the difficulties I encountered. I had been supporting the new wife having been through it myself but no-one knows that. It helped her to see that it wasn't just her which was a good thing as she has a tendency to fly off the handle first and ask questions later. I therefore knew her version of events. Some of the same stories were then relayed to me by the female cousin and of course were slightly different. The male cousin had apparently snapped at his mum a couple of times for interfering and they were blaming the wife saying that he never used to be like that or speak to his mum like that. I pointed out that maybe now he had a wife by his side, that was his priority and although they both suffer a progressive illness, they must be left to manage for themselves unless they ask for help and that his mum must stop undermining the wife. It was clear from what the female cousin said that this was actually happening as she inadvertently backed up the wife's story which I had been prepared to concede might have contained a modicum of exaggeration. She was a bit bemused by the concept of letting them manage for themselves (she is still quite dependent on her family despite her husband being independently minded) but I think she got the point eventually. The mother of the male cousin has dropped into conversation twice since that time about her not interfering and letting them do their own thing. I am still not sure whether she was having a pop at me or just confirming she had got the message.

elona

I bet she was "having a pop at you".

I also bet she goes round there saying "the last thing that I want to do is to interfere BUT..."

loopy_lass

I don't believe in marrying into a family with a strong culture, I'm not racist but it causes so many difficulties and could have far reaching consequences.

im afraid you knew what your were getting yourself into before you were married.... mixing cultures doesnt always work.... point proved here...

I guess what the parent in laws are expecting is the accepted norm in their culture... and you have taken both cultures on voluntarily... nowt you can do to change it im afraid... look before you leap & bolting the door after horse has gone comes to mind...

sorry,


loops

EdInvestor

Still can't help but think it would be a lot less hassle all round if you just supported the "retire to Pakistan" plan

Particularly if you want to bring up your own children in your own way with no interference.

Savvy_Sue

loopy_lass wrote:

im afraid you knew what your were getting yourself into before you were married.... mixing cultures doesnt always work.... point proved here...

I guess what the parent in laws are expecting is the accepted norm in their culture... and you have taken both cultures on voluntarily... nowt you can do to change it im afraid... look before you leap & bolting the door after horse has gone comes to mind...

But I think you're using 'culture' in too narrow a sense here. Each family has its own 'culture' - look, there are plenty of families of all races where some members think it's OK to live on benefits and not even think of trying to get a job, and to be honest, I've always associated Indian/Pakistani families with darned hard work.

I shared a flat with two of my fellow graduates once. So you had three white, middle class, well educated 20 somethings in one house. And one day we had the fiercest disagreement about


wait for it


HOW TO MAKE CUSTARD!

tammy_3

Savvy_Sue wrote:

But I think you're using 'culture' in too narrow a sense here. Each family has its own 'culture' - look, there are plenty of families of all races where some members think it's OK to live on benefits and not even think of trying to get a job, and to be honest, I've always associated Indian/Pakistani families with darned hard work.
QUOTE]

Yes you are absolutely right, the scroungers of this world are from all races! My mum did a great job bringing us up in a foreign alien land, yet she still managed to pick up english, read us our books while my dad was at work (my dad took over when he came back), my mum taught us to read urdu,maths, taught the Quran (which taught us to respect all cultures and not bomb the hell out of them!) she also tried to teach me to sow and knit (but i gave up on these last two)......she was a housewife and now most her kids are grown up shes working....not that she has to, my brother is in a highly paid job and money is not an issue.....BUT she feels she wants to work, wants to be independant never asks a penny of her kids does all the cooking and cleaning herself (no DIL here to do the work!) on top of a 25hr week at work .... my baby sister is given pocket money by my brother to do chores for him and it bloody infuriates me when all i see is APATHY AND LAZINESS IN HIS FAMILY and then they have the cheek to ask US FOR MONEY- Unfortunately we are visiting them again this weekend and i will have to control my feelings of saying STOP MOANING AND GO GET A JOB FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!! All the other indian/pakistani people i know work and dont use HEARTBURN as an excuse not to :rotfl: and yes everytime i say this to my mates about his dad we just have to laugh!!! Perhaps when i fall pregnant i shoudl say oooooo im carrying a baby you wouldnt happen to be able to give me a bob or two cos i cant work! And i know i will dam well work into my 8th month!!!! and what adds to this frustration is that his mum moans we dont give his little brother much pocket money- hes left school now hes 17 and failed his gcses cant be assed to get a job cant be assed to do the housework cos thats what his SIL are for (except me :rolleyes: ) and they want us to give him pocket money....hubby gives him a few quid a week but i dont think he deserves 1p.....yes someone said i should have thought about waht i married into but to be honest, i really love him and when he broke up with me yearsssss ago i was in pieces- i couldnt go on...literally....and so when he decided to dump his family and marry me anyway i thought all my xmases had come at once! I didnt marry his family, will just have to put up with thme and get around them if i want to be with my hubby (and hes worth it!!!!!!)

rabialiones

salam,
just a thought, i dont recall you mentioning if yur hubbys got any sisters, if he has how do you get on with them. if they are in simialar age group , perhaps if you talked to them, they would be able to see things from your point of view, having been brought up in england. and , if you get them on your side, perhaps they could talk to their parents about the issues in question and make your life a bit more easier.
congrats. on the post anyway , it has generated a lot of interest.

EdInvestor

....his mum moans we dont give his little brother much pocket money- hes left school now hes 17 and failed his gcses, cant be assed to get a job, cant be assed to do the housework cos thats what his SIL are for (except me ) and they want us to give him pocket money....hubby gives him a few quid a week but i dont think he deserves 1p.....

If people think Tammy's got a problem here with over-indulged young sons, give a thought to what's going to happen in China in a few years' time.

Like Tammy's inlaws, people over there are still operating on the developing country paradigm of "my children are my pension" - this tends to be the norm in poor countries where the state can't afford to pay pensions and benefits - the parents have the children, pay all the costs of bringing them up, feeding, clothing and educating them, marrying them off and setting them up in a home.

In return for this the children are expected jointly to support the parents when they are old and /or sick - this isn't necessarily a big burden as life expectancy in poor countries is usually pretty low - people die in their 50s and 60s and retirement age is usually 50 or 55.

It's not uncommon for immigrants like Tammy's inlaws to continue with this approach when they move to a rich country because it tends to get ingrained over the centuries. So she's caught in a kind of transitional situation here between the rich country system and the poor country system - it's not really a cultural matter, more an economic one, IMHO.

Look at China: it has a very strict (some would say draconion) one child system because of its huge population.This has already led to a male/female imbalance as boys are preferred which will produce considerable social problems later.The sons are known as "little emperors" because they are so badly spoilt.

And what's going to happen in 10 years time when the parents start to get old and there's only one lazy self indulgent son to support them? Does anyone think China's going to be rich enough by then to install a full scale rich country benefits and pension system? For a billion people? Forget it. :eek: People need not be too afraid of China's supposed great economic power IMHO - the country faces many serious future problems.

To my mind Tammy's parents are taking a sensible view in planning to move back to Pakistan. According to their system, their children should be very soon be supporting them in their old age. But this would be too much of a burden if they lived in the UK. So they plan to go to Pakistan where the cost of living is cheap.Very probably they could cover their main costs by renting their home to the younger children, who could pay the rent by claiming housing benefit if they can't immediately find a job.

As for Tammy and husband, they can either stick to their guns on preferring the rich country system, or make a deal along the lines that any financial support they send to Pakistan ends as soon as they start their own family, as they won't be able to afford it. Since they have not taken the marriage/home gifts from the parents,and her husband has already contributed quite a lot, they have arguably not incurred the obligation to support the parents at this stage.

There may of course be some competition from the other siblings using pregnancy as a basis for being excused.