Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

bargainqueen_2

Tammy, I would vote for option 3.5. Tell them to stop hinting and tell them why- because you know they could work, because you are trying to build up your life, because your hubby has done his bit for now. I wouldn't say about your sister, but I would then say that while they are healthy and able it is not your concern whether they have money or not. I would be very calm, cold and unemotional and say that this is the end of the discussion, you on't want to hear any more about it. At the end of the day, if they then start again, they have been warned and you can play your reaction from there. Good luck!

Savvy_Sue

Good grief, don't even think about letting these people anywhere near your babies unsupervised, they will definitely want to pass on THEIR beliefs to any child of either sex!

But I do think you need to keep communicating with your husband about how you feel and what you're afraid of. Otherwise there is a chance that he will feel - be told and have nothing to counter it with - that you are just trying to drive him away from HIS birthright. You need to be united in saying No to the ongoing requests for money, and maybe he can talk to his brothers, why would they listen to you? You could sow sedition with their wives, if you like! Girls night out, anyone?

As for the parents going back to Pakistan, I'd say Great! But again, maybe your brother needs to talk to his brothers and make it clear that he won't be bailing them out financially if that happens. He'll always be there for advice and friendly support, but not money. This may be culturally alien to them, but the sooner the message gets across to them the better.

You and Bossyboots seem to be in very similar situations: independent freethinking women who've married into families where the Man is King and all little wifey is supposed to do is dance attendance on any man who requires it. Your MIL is Queen Bee, sounds as if she gave up her family when she married, her husband's family took precedence over everything, and she expects you and all her DILs to do the same. She's getting a good deal out of it now, of course, and if you went along with her then presumably in time she expects you to inherit her position of Queen Bee. But you don't want it!

One thing I think I'd do is make it quite clear that I don't care whether I get left any part of their house when they die, that they can cut you out of their wills altogether if they like (as they undoubtedly can anyway). Surely they would rather their son continued to love them regardless of any financial benefit he expects. You may feel aggrieved over this, but if you 'let it go' then they lose any blackmail potential with it, and if they realise that it doesn't bother it may help.

homersimpson_3

not an asian but....first make sure before you do anything you have the full support of your husband & if necessary he will break with family. you have already stated this family broke you up once. you don't want it happening a second time.
explain to his parents that you are saving for a house before having a family and that as parents they can understand the importance of providing a good loving home for their children. you intend to leave this house to your children like they intend to leave it to theirs. explain that housing in uk very expensive and so you need to save as much money and so will in future not be able to contribute. if parents say other brothers can't contribute because they don't have a job, just say hopefully that will all change soon when they, like your husband, get one and begin to provide for their wife and children. if parents say you will lose share of their house just say that doesn't matter because we will have your own house by that time- (don't say this- but what is point of continually contributing when you're not going to receive anything anyway?. helping out is one thing, being taken for a ride is another matter entirely). explain you understand importance of family having links to pakistan and so you are prepared (with other children) to club together to say buy air fare for father to go to pakistan for his birthday or some other important festival (whatever those are in the culture concerned). explain that working full-time and caring for your own home and family means you don't have time to help out with housework and explain your day. i would move away from the family when you buy the house- not so easy for them to interfere- but don't give up your life in a place you love just to do this (e.g.a job you love, a club you like going to, own ties etc). invite them around for a meal once a month with your parents so there's a level playing field. they're less likely to play up if you have your family around you and if you are criticised (not saying you are or would be) there's always someone to support you. don't (never) take any unjustified criticism to heart. if criticism justified act on it and be objective yourself when judging if criticism justified.
homer

tammy_3

Savvy_Sue wrote:

You and Bossyboots seem to be in very similar situations: independent freethinking women who've married into families where the Man is King and all little wifey is supposed to do is dance attendance on any man who requires it. Your MIL is Queen Bee, sounds as if she gave up her family when she married, her husband's family took precedence over everything, and she expects you and all her DILs to do the same.

Hi I would liek to say my hubby IS NOT anything like Bossyboots (sorry Bossyboots!) hes caring and loving and religious and very much for womens lib! He does half the housework even though i only work pt (cos i study as well) he never expects food on the table we make it together! he doesnt give money away without asking me and although hes a modern man he never takes a penny off me for bills as he says in Islam a man should provide but hes happy with me working but never enquires about any money i make!!!!-my family think he spoils me rotten and i think they are right! he made my saturday morning french toast (as usual)-He is adorable -but his family are not which is what the problem is- ANd i think they are jealous that he runs around after me and that i am not like the other DIL as i go gym/swimming/study/have a career/and have nicely put kids on the back burner. ......i mean who wants kids when you have such a lovely husband ? dont want to spoil it yet......but its just his pathetic family that ruin it- everytime they mention money i will turn my head away and look at my partner and talk about something else and just ignore them- my dad had a heartattack two years ago yet hes never given upo his job nor said to his kids pay my bills......and thats how it should be until one gets too old or ill to work-

Baby_A

tammy wrote:

for all those asians out there DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND GO ALONE TO HIS PARENTS OR ANY FAMILY .

As much as i try they still call him behind my back from the moment he leaves home to go to work till the minute he walks in (ive seen it on his call register), however they will never call him in the evening or his day off! I dont mind him speaking to his parents, but it bugs me why they feel the need to speak to him when im not there (prob to ask for more money!)

Baby_A

Tammy

I really hope everything works out for you, dont think that things will improve when you have a baby because they really dont! If anything they want you to bring up the baby their way! We all know how many old medicine remedies they have! Like putting honey in her drinking water, we had big arguements about that. They just like to show who is in control!

My strong advice to you is get everything sorted before you have kids because it takes a affect on them.

Bossyboots

I hope I haven't portrayed my hubby in a bad light. He is not a bad person, just was very naive when we got together and very influenced by his family.

He does do a good share of the housework and has taken on the cooking as well this week while I am somewhat incapacitated. I usually cook as I am home first and well before him but he never comes in expecting his food on the table when the household is operating normally. Money is not an issue between us as we discuss all expenditure and I have probably given his mum more financial assistance one way or another over this last year than he has. This is something we are not expected to do but I never accept payment back for small bits of shopping I take in or petrol money for taking her to hospital (I was somewhat bemused to find her offering to pay for my petrol and then found out the friend that takes her if I can't, always expects it).

Where we ran into difficulties was with him and his family learning I was mistress in my own home and that I should be put first with my hubby. The previous generation all seemed to be steered by their mother and my MIL wanted to do the same. The thing that still sticks in my mind was when we were having tea at hers one Sunday. In the midst of a conversation hubby made a passing remark to the fact that we were buying a freezer. MIL instantly said we did not need to do that as there was only two of us and if I did this that and the other I wouldn't need one. It doesn't sound much typing it now but at the time, being fairly young and not long married it was one interference too many. On this occasion my hubby was instant in his backing of my decision to have a freezer. Sometimes he has had to be reminded that it is for us to make the decisions in our house, not his mother. That doesn't make him a bad person, he always tries to keep everyone happy but I grew up in a different environment to hubby and it took a lot of adjusting. I haven't blamed him for the difficulties, but blame his family for the way they are. Although they are lovely people, they have had to learn, and learn the hard way, that their offspring can manage their own lives, finances and decisions. Another classic was when we were having dinner at hubby's aunty's not long after our son was born. We were just chatting in general about the future and aunty let slip that she had spoken to MIL about remembering whose baby it was. Apparently MIL had been planning how she was going to look after the baby, when and where he would be christened and what school he could go to. I had said to my hubby previously that his mum seemed to egging me on to go back to work so she could look after the baby but until his aunty said what she did, he had not really believed it.

It took us about 20 years to agree that if there is an issue he will listen when I raise it and that I will not just fester on something. When something came up a short while ago, we were able to discuss it, he took it on board and did in fact admit that having been alerted he was watching out, he saw for himself. If only we could agree at Christmas!

MIL actually seems in a much better frame of mind at the moment. She was hit by a car in January and although it left her in pain and a bit depressed, she seems to be much better at the moment and we are getting on really well. She does feel that she is lucky to have survived the accident and I think all the cossetting she got reassured her that people do care for her. She still has some funny ways (don't get me started on my teenage daughter going on holiday with her boyfriend) and does say things that are really nothing to do with her but I have learnt for the most part to let it wash over me (a trait learned from hubby). At the moment though she is less cantankerous and she is going to do my ironing while I can't so I am grateful to her for that.

Savvy_Sue

I was not suggesting for one moment that Bossyboots's husband was anything other than a wonderful man. Nor that Tammy's husband isn't also a wonderful man, which he seems to be. It was the relationship with the in-laws which seemed to ring a chord! In both cases it seems that the man's family expects to subsume the wife into their structures and customs, instead of recognising that there is now a new family unit.

Bossyboots

Savvy_Sue wrote:

I was not suggesting for one moment that Bossyboots's husband was anything other than a wonderful man. Nor that Tammy's husband isn't also a wonderful man, which he seems to be. It was the relationship with the in-laws which seemed to ring a chord! In both cases it seems that the man's family expects to subsume the wife into their structures and customs, instead of recognising that there is now a new family unit.

That is a very succinct and accurate description.

tammy_3

Baby_A wrote:

As much as i try they still call him behind my back from the moment he leaves home to go to work till the minute he walks in (ive seen it on his call register), however they will never call him in the evening or his day off! I dont mind him speaking to his parents, but it bugs me why they feel the need to speak to him when im not there (prob to ask for more money!)

arghhhhh that makes me mad!!!!! I hate it when they do that, well its quite simple really, tell him this upsets you and you feel like an outsider...if that wont work then.........give him crank calls on his mobile, then say that theres a really good 12 month free line rental deal, (i'll tell u of some!) change his current chip to pay as u go tell him u'll take that and tell him that dont hand out your new number to anyone so as to stop the cranks and say but dont worry any calls you get from family and friends i will take messages and u can call back in the evening! hows that! if they are cheeky you be as well!