Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

tammy_3

Any Asians out there will be able to relate to this and its getting on my xxxxxxxx arghhhhhh. Basically i met my hubby at uni, we wanted to get married after 3 years, it took 7 cos of his backwards interferring family who actually convinced him to split up with me in the early years as they wanted him to have an arranged marriage.........anyway we eventually got married not that they helped with the wedding financially or hands on, in fact half of them didnt turn up including his dad!

Hes one of the eldest and always paid ALL the bills at home but now that he's married we are both working hard to get out of this council rut and buy a house. He has a few brothers living at home with his parents whoto put it nicely are useless. Their parents treat them with kid gloves, re-mortgaged to get them married (arranged of course) and to pay the bills as those lazy lot like to "chill out" yet his parents are always hinting at me or blatantly asking us for money.

NOw dont get me wrong there is nothing wrong with helpign your parents out when esp they are old or ill but both are in their 50s, his dad retired when he was 40 and his mum has never worked, well she can barely do the house work as she expects her daughterinlaws to help (and i dont because im too busy on moneysavingexpert!!!!)- My partner and i are both professionals trying to work hard in our early years so we can buy a nice place before we have kids yet his family are always (1 a month i would say) asking for money or hinting for money. His dad regular takes 4-6month trips to pakistan every year although i dont know how he does it- His brothers waste their money on takeaways and going out every day yet his parents think we are being "tite" for not helping them out.

Theyve now done up the loft to make room for the new wives yet asked us to contribute. His dad has now thrown in a new thing saying if you dont contribute you wont get a share in his house but hes forgetting the fact that my hubby paid £200-£300 a month every month before he was married. On top of that he bought the family car and paid £200 a month towards insurance and the cost of the hp car- His mum was moaning to me last year that she doesnt know what shes done to deserve sons that dont help her out (the ones living there at the time couldnt be bothered to work although their dad still managed to give them money! but dont put my husband in with them, hes done his bit) - She said she didnt have enough money for milk and bread and that her brother had to buy it for her, yet 3months after that she paid for her two sons wedding (cost approx £2k or more) and paid £2500 to fly back to their homeland.

Am i being a b*tch? I think they managed to pull the wool over my partners eyes and they probably realise its down to me he is more assertive. His mum has been saying stuff about me saying i dont help her with her housework ( i dont get time to do my own!) + shes got 3 sons living with her (+ an unemployed hubby) its their job and if theyve brought them up with backwards views that its a womans job then thats her problem- ontop of that shes been saying i go out with her son once a week for a meal out don't they ever think of me......

my parents on the other hand are the complete opposite........
do i carry on ignoring them and gritting my teeth or do i explain nicely to them that
1. y dont u get jobs
2.y dont u stop ur frequent long holidays back to your familys country
3. why dont u start getting your sons to help out financially + do the housework (the 3/4 that live there)
4. and get off my back!

I dont want to split himup with his family but seriously their moans makes me not want to go around more than i have to!

shallowpockets

Wow Tammy sounds like you've got your work cut out with that lot, remind me what age we're living in! You didn't say whether you are asian or not, not that it makes a difference as no one should have to put up with that lot.

You're right, you've got to think of your future and you both sound like you are trying to do your bit for them at the same time. However, I wouldn't confront them, I would just carry on doing your bit but ease of the "financial help" bit by bit without making a fuss.

Have you both got your own property or are you living with them?

Bendybops19

Oh my word i cant believe how awful that is!!!!

As shallowpockets has asked, do you live with them?

If you live with them my advice will be pretty different...

elvis_bloggs

I don't believe in marrying into a family with a strong culture, I'm not racist but it causes so many difficulties and could have far reaching consequences.

aliasojo

I agree elvis.....but you can't help who you fall in love with can you?

Amie_007

I think that you need to address the problems first of all with your husband. He needs to realise how his family are effecting you and how much it upsets you when you hear his mum moaning and belittling you.

Then, I think that he needs to stand up for you and put your views across to his family and explain what you are trying to work towards financially. Maybe then, they will see that you don't have too much money to spare supporting them

It sounds as though he needs to address the problem and show them that you are a couple who have their own lives to lead and let his mother, in particular, see that you are united as a couple.

You also need to get the matter sorted out now and put some ground rules in place, otherwise you run the risk of spending the next 20 years "keeping his mother happy!" - Not a nice thought!

I don't know much about Asian culture, (and I am probably wrong here ) but I have always been under the impression that Asian families do see their money as "one big pot" with all the family members contributing to this money pot. When members then need something, ie a car, house, education, a wedding etc, it is funded out of the family pot.

Maybe if you explained that you want your own house, they might dip into this family pot, (if there is one)and present you with your keys to your own house, wishful thinking maybe, but that's how I was led to believe it worked with Asian famililes!!

tammy_3

wowww! i watched the news a bit then came back to see if id have 1 piece of advice and theres several!!!!

i think i didnt make myself clear but basically WE DO NOT contribute AT ALL anymore well since we got married. My partner moved into his flat before we married so i started convincing him to start cutting his contributions to his family- Yes asians do see it as one pot but as far as im concerned the only people in my pot are me and my hubby- yes i am pakistani as well but my family are so different.......they are educated and so see the world in a diff view, in comparison my brohters wives are going to be on one long holiday! the thing that pisses me off is that he was a good son to them, paid for everything, yet because he wanted to marry me they didnt contribute to our wedding, didnt do hardly any of the traditional stuff that u do at weddings (now although im quite westernized and chose to take some asian and some western traditions at my wedding i dotn mind a little bit of culture!) but they chose not to because they were unhappy with it- WE paid for the wedding and yet at the last minute expected us to pay for their guests to come along! They also paid for all their other sons weddings + gifts etc are bendign over backwards for the two younger lazy ones, they treat them with kid gloves- When they were gettign the two of them married last year his mum kept hinting and eventually told me to get some 22carat gold rings for the wives to be-i flatly refused because the same traditions werent bestowed on me- my partner cant see it but i can, that all his life his family have trod on him because he is a soft touch yet he is not rewarded for it- i therefore just keep away but then they get funny that we dont go around that much so what do we do? ANd now they are sayign they want to permanently move back to pakistan, ok fine i said- i said we'll put your house on rent you'll get £800 a month for it, pay off some of that remortgaging you did (for their younger sons) and some extra for you lot to live on. His mums reply was they cant put hte house on rent because the younger ones need somewhere to live, therefore all her sons will have to contribute £50 a month to them to stay over there- Im sorry but £50 a month is alot of money inthis day and age when house prices are through the roof- What on earth do i do with this lot?

tammy_3

oooo i forgot to say, yes we do have our own place although its a small flat and no where big enough for a family- im trying to get my nest ready for a pittar pattar of tiny feet within the next 2-3 years.

the problem is because they know i work they think we shoudl give them money- and his mum has said it to us as well, when we got back from our honeymoon his dad needed £50 as he was abroad (i never told him to miss our weddign and go) so my hubby said cant afford it (i thought his dad was taking the !!!!!!) but anyhow his mum said well thats only £25 between you!!!!!! I thought the cheek of it, my parents never asked me for a £1 to contribute to household bills and yet ive been married the whole of two minutes living in my OWN place and they already expect money off me!!!!!!!

Amie_007

You are quite right, your "pot" now consists of you and your husband, and although, I'm all for making sure that your family are OK, I also believe that you must make put yourself first, then worry about others.

My response to the £50 contribution per month to allow them to live in Pakistan would be a simple No. If they want to live there, then they must support themselves and not reley on the family members to keep them. It might sound harsh and in some respects quite selfish, but I think that their demands are just downright rude, no matter what your culture/values are.

Your husband sounds as though he doesn't get much choice in helping his parents out, which isn't what todays world is about, there is always a choice.

You don't say why the mother and father don't work? Are they sick or unwell - if so, (if they don't already) they could look at claiming benefits, if they do not have any income - it may relieve some of the pressure they are placing on you and your husband?

Could you compromise and explain that you don't mind helping out with errands that they need run but that you are unable to assist financially. It might not be an ideal arrangement for you, but at least you can still say that you help, support and contribute to the quality of their lives.

What do the other wives think/feel about this situation - you might find they all think the same way - if so, it might not alienate you and your husband?

baked_beans_lady

Hi, Tammy,

I really understand how you feel, as my best friend was in the same situation as you.

The trouble with your parents in law is they belong to older generation and their idea of raising kids is that when they are old their kids can look after them, provide them with every needs. And because we are "the children" (doesn't matter how old we are) we should always do what we are told.

If your in law are seriously consider to move back to Asia, then you should let them as this move will almost improve the unhappy tension between you. If they want you to pay some money per month to assist their living then I think it might worth you considering, as long as you make sure this is the only amount you will pay out to them.

I know this sounds soft, not standing your ground, but just try to look at this matter from your husband's point of view. He is the only person who is sandwich in the middle between you and his family, it's not easy for him to please both sides of his family.

margaretclare

Hi Tammy

I sympathise! And I imagine what it would have been like if I'd met and fallen in love with my present husband when we were much younger - they managed to split him up from his childhood sweetheart and if I'd known him then I can imagine them saying 'You're not marrying THAT SHIKSA!!'

Many people who post on here have problems with in-laws - see the previous threads about what to do about MIL at Christmas. Yours seem to be more extreme than most due to the entrenched 'cultural' differences.

I can't offer any good advice, except that you're going to have to draw the 'lines in the sand', lay down boundaries, and keep on living the way you've decided you want to regardless of what any of them say. Do not contribute, don't do their housework, don't buy their wedding-rings (what a nerve!!) They will criticise our Western ways. But we live in a free society and once you're grown-up, living away from home and living in your own family (even if it only consists of the 2 of you as yet) then you can't be expected to be constantly giving to the parents or the other siblings and wives.

Make sure you never give in, not even once, because if you do, you open a weak spot and they will keep chipping away at you. It's like kids jumping up and down demanding an ice-cream, no matter how often mum says 'no', if she has ever weakened in the past and said 'yes', then the possibility is there. There's lots of psychological research to prove that this is the case.

With best wishes

Aunty Margaret