Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

tammy_3

rabialiones wrote:

salam,
just a thought, i dont recall you mentioning if yur hubbys got any sisters, if he has how do you get on with them. if they are in simialar age group , perhaps if you talked to them, they would be able to see things from your point of view, having been brought up in england. and , if you get them on your side, perhaps they could talk to their parents about the issues in question and make your life a bit more easier.
congrats. on the post anyway , it has generated a lot of interest.

Salaam- no i cant talk to his sisters..........im sorry but the lot of them are greedy- In fact his brother has had no qualms since i got married to ask me on several occassions to get him birthday/eid (muslim xmas) presents x 2, one from me and one from my hubby!!!!!! the cheek of it and that was when i first got married and hardly knew him and even though they have NEVER bought me anything for my special occassions!!!!!! But since me and my hubby do special occassions they expect us to get them stuff for their special occassions, my answer to that is get st****ed!!! NEver have they called up and said happy anniversary or happy birthday, its all about them!!!! I dont expect anything from them but i dont like to be told to get them stuff! Im actually sick of them :mad: In my first year of marriage his mum kept going on and saying wheres my mothers day present and actually i had got her one anyway- Our 1st birthdays/anniversaries came and went and not a phone call and hubby said oh well thats cos they dont celebrate such events, so i said then why was there a push on a mothers day present!!!!!! Going around there today and im sure there'll be some sob storys about no money for.......water this time!!!!

tammy_3

EdInvestor wrote:

There may of course be some competition from the other siblings using pregnancy as a basis for being excused.

Im not going to start a competition in baby making as they will win......! i want nomore than 2 and one of them has already had 5- NOw i do think the others will say that WE are both working and no kids so they can afford to give more but my response will be your wives can work, they wont obviously have a well paid job liek mine but that doesnt mean they cant get a job in tescos or somthing instead of churning out kids like rabbits...i will not use the baby excuse my simple response at the moment is we are looking for a house in a middleclass area which cost twice the amount as where the rest are living....once we have the house + babies theres no way i can give £50 a month particularly since putting the little one in a private nursery from the age of 1 will cost a few hundred a month! As far as im concerned every one works hard for themselves.......now if we can affford the yearly holiday abroad (only 2 weeks mind u doesnt compare to their months away!) its because we deserve it- ITs not just the money its the constant moaning about going to such and suchs house, or why dont u go pakistan......ergh perhaps cos i dont like your relatives in the uk and im not spending 1k to go and see the ones there! They just go on about everything and are really p*ssing me off. I mean i thought my dad was a whinger but at least he moaned about making our lives better such as why did you get a 2:1 degree when you couldve got a first, why are you doing an x degree when you could have done medicine etc! NEver have my parents moaned about not going to see their relatives or not buying presents for their realtives or not giving parents money- In fact last year when good old fatherinlaw went pakistan the old women had to claim the benefits but she got a sick note from her GP as she has diabetes (personally if she moved her !!!!!! a bit more, shed 7 stones perhaps she could work>???) anyway she said to me the doctor said to her when you have so many sons why do you need to claim benefits why dont your sons suport you- i felt like writing in to the general medical council and if he didnt say it then she would be caught out!!!!! the gp is an asian as well but still i cant think why he would say that! If i were in her shoes i would have stopped producing kids after number 3 or 4 when realising that they are little !!!!s who have no respect for their parents!!!!!!!!! what on earth did she expect,which is why shes a bit miffed with me for taking her only decent one! Oh well finders keepers :T

loopy_lass

i know what you mean about how i said culture, not sure how else to put it... as you rightly say, a culture can be living on benefits, robbing for a living, or in tammys case parents in law expecting £.

My OH was west indian, and im afraid that didnt work, he thought it was ok to go off with other women & have kids wherever he chose.... he said its the way it is in barbados!!!! and the women expected it.

still a difficult situation to be in .... but them a ticket to pakistan & visit once a year lol... they would still expect money posted to them tho...

loops

tammy_3

loopy_lass wrote:

My OH was west indian, and im afraid that didnt work, he thought it was ok to go off with other women & have kids wherever he chose.... he said its the way it is in barbados!!!! and the women expected it.
loops

What a b*stard!!!! Typical men any old excuse to excuseeeeeeeee their behaviour! Well you should have cut off his particulars and said well in the uk this is how women deal with men who share it around!!! The women only expect it in barbados because they are seen as inferior and have no confidence in themselves to stand up to this. Its just as in Islam its says men can have up to 4 wives but and theres a big BUT-this Islamic revelation only came when men (roman, arabs, thos in barabdos!) were keeping 20 or 30 women at a time and would not provide for them when their passions had worn off and so hence the upper limit was then set to 4 and the clauses were that each had to be given a seperate accomodation, the same amount of love, attention and money. IF these conditions cant be met then MEN are NOT ALLOWED to have more than 1 wife- But what do some men do? They take the literal meaning that you can have 4 wives, dont provide for them, move on from one to another depending on who takes your fancy at the time. This is NOT allowed and is a major sin & makes it seem muslim women are inferior. Unfortunately (and this should be another thread) men from the beginning of time have trodden on women, tried to use any justification that they can find eg Eve having committed the first sin so women cant be trusted......women cant be priests because they arent capable???? women can barely satisfy one partner and men are naturally premiscuos as its in the genes (such men havent met the likes of me then!)- women feel obliged to look good all the time, to dress in a certain sexy manner - why is it men arent made to feel the same? why is it the only men we see half naked are builders? I say if women are made to feel that they need to live up to a certain image then men should as well! its just bull !!!! and women have been subservient to men from the beginning of time whether they be english, chinese, indian etc..........ooo and whats this got to do with my inlaws ergh well i suppose because they dont like the fact im not subservient!!!

Anyway Looplass im glad u got rid of him and find someone that gives you the respect that you deserve.

margaretclare

I also am glad you got rid of this womanising idiot, loopy_lass. Whatever they do in Barbados, this is not the way of things in the UK, never has been and never will be (please God).

I've been told that the reason men are like this in what were the West Indian 'sugar islands' was because of slavery. Slave men and women were not allowed to marry because they totally belonged to the owner who had complete power of life and death, could sell them, therefore leaving the women to bring up children (which might be the black men's but equally might be the owner's) along with doing their normal work for the owner as well as 'bed services'. The men therefore had no kind of a say in their children, who could equally be sold on, treated just like commodities.

But this no longer applies in the 21st century and I don't care what the dreadful and degrading situation is in other countries - we shouldn't tolerate it here.

Tammy, I am glad you're not subservient. And your husband sounds a lovely fella. I thought of you this morning while sitting quietly in church - I sent a little prayer up for you, because I know you said that Sundays with the in-laws were difficult for you.

Aunty Margaret

tammy_3

margaretclare wrote:

Tammy, I am glad you're not subservient. And your husband sounds a lovely fella. I thought of you this morning while sitting quietly in church - I sent a little prayer up for you, because I know you said that Sundays with the in-laws were difficult for you.

Aunty Margaret

Thanks AUnt Margaret thats very kind of you. NO matter which monotheistic religion we are from we all worship the same God. And for those of us that don't believe in a greater being we are all part of one world and one humanity. Today was ok but as usual...."im going to pakistan next month make sure you pay our bills"....... but for all the whinging and moaning ive been doing at least im living in a priviledged part of the world.

Baby_A

Tammy!

I have to agree with you about the families being greedy. My husbands sister will ring up a week or two before her kids birthdays (she never rings otherwise to see how how we or our daughter is doing), and will telll us what to buy for them. Worst still she has 4 kids and when it is one's birthday they all have to get a present because they argue otherwise! So thats 16 birthday pressies then eid on top!

I cant imagine calling my brother telling him what to buy for my daughter, its the thought that counts!!!

tammy_3

Baby_A wrote:

Tammy!

I have to agree with you about the families being greedy. My husbands sister will ring up a week or two before her kids birthdays QUOTE]

Oh my God!!! Someone else with greedy piggys for family!!!!!Oh isnt it just an asian thing (probably get it amongst other communities as well but more pronounced amongst pak/indi). My advice to you would be, firstly how many kids do you have> give just 1 present per birthday--If your sisterinlaw cant instill disciplines into her kids and its their problem if their kids fight, how disgraceful. The second point is i hope your kid(s) get birthday and eid presents because if they dont i would stop giving right now. If ur other half complains and says it doesnt matter, sulk moan and tell him no one is more importnat than your child. One of his(my hubbys) sisterinlaws is exactly like that (his brothers wife and has a shed load of kids). I dated my partner for years and years before we married (only because the backward b*stards kept getting in the way of us getting married) ......anywya i thought it was sweet how he'd always buy his nieces langhas (an asian frock) for her birthday and presents/money for his nieces & nephews.......i suggested to him that his niece and my sister could wear the same outfit for the wedding, his sister inalw got excited and never really spoke to me b4 i got married but was quick to call and say "oh ur fiance tells me you are buying my daughter a dress" .....i never said i was buying her one! Anyway to cut a long story short, on my weddign day she blanked me, she was jealous of me, couldnt stand that my wedding was a mix of two customs (well Islam doesnt say u cant have a cake etc!)- after all the gifts he was giving her children- for my wedding she gave a £5 unsown outfit (piece of cloth). It was so tacky, it was the tackiest thing i got from anyone. Interms of wedding gifts u as a fellow pakistani would know its traditional to get the bride ready made sparkly outfits, gold jewellery and money (salami).....well they gave us £100 and that cheap unsown cloth.....now the non-asians out there would say £100 is quite reasonable, well if you ever go to asian gold shops you would know that a decent sized ring costs £70 for a woman and that generally brothers would give money + gold + clothes- their money covered everything????? in fact they had to get HIM a ring from their tradition but he didnt want gold so that £100 covered his ring too! I suppose they never meant to give me one....and i know gents rings cost more than £100 because when MY sister got married MY mum paid aorudn £200 for my sisters husbands! MY brother gave my sister and her husband £500 and he was a student at the time and yet my hubbys brother barely parted with a £100!!

yet when it was eid my hubby used to give out £40 at a time to their shed loads of kids.....thats gratitude for you.... so 2 months after we married it was his nieces birthday......well do you think i went shopping to buy her annual outfit after her mum got me a unsown peice of cloth which wouldnt even be suitbale for a roman toga? NO! I got her a doll from poundland (money saving isnt it!) and boy was her mum mad- Why would i adorn her child with flashy clothes when she gave me something that i would be too embarassed to pass on to someone else as a gift! So now toys for eid/brithdays dont consist of flashy expensive items and having watched this women i see that she does not actually give my hubbys other nephews/nieces anything at all- She is a taker and i know for a fact she will do the same with my kids (to be).

Baby_A

No I have stopped giving presents! I refuse to, and have strictly limited it to Eid. I dont give a damm what they say. The problem is my SIL is a real B***h and always puts my MIL up to no good. I just feel sorry for my husband who ends up in the middle and 8/10 times will take my MIL's side! The way I see it is the reason we are renting at the moment and debts coming out of our ears, is down to my MIL's luxury requests!

Tammy can I say that I am so glad that regardless of the problems you faced getting married I am so glad you stuck to it and got through it! I had the same problem between my ex, we wanted to get married but his family had given their word to his cousin in Pakistan for marriage and so never accepted us. Anyway we never came through it! Silly really.

EdInvestor

Tammy

I get the impression your own family is rather better off than your hubby's,right? If so, then no doubt you parents have been plagued over the years with requests for money from junior down at heel branches of the family, old friends and neighbours, former staff members down on their luck or with a medical emergency etc? (Readers of Jane Austen novels will recognise this syndrome in the UK in the past...;) )

How did your parents handle the problem? It might be worth asking to see if they have any good advice for you.

I doubt the problem is going to go away somehow....