Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

jellyhead

must admit we do this giving presents to the others on birthdays thing in my family, my gran started it when i was a baby. it stops before kids get to 5 though, by the age of 4 they are well able to understand that it's not their birthday. they get to join in the party or outing etc. but they don't need a gift. if it's 'expected' of you to buy gifts for all of them then get a board game they can all share

tammy_3

EdInvestor wrote:

Tammy

I get the impression your own family is rather better off than your hubby's,right?
How did your parents handle the problem? It might be worth asking to see if they have any good advice for you.

I doubt the problem is going to go away somehow....

Well good question- The answer is simple- They didnt handle it!!! My dad is a wolly who has given tens of thousands of pounds to his scrounging family,......oh yes i have them on my side- My poor mum just watched as we struggled as kids whilst he sent thousands of pounds to his scrounging rellies in pakistan...whats the outcome? well they live in a nice detached house with 6 bathrooms (5 are ensuite to rooms) and its a 3 storey house whilst my parents lived in a 3 bedroom terrace with more kids they could have room for- Yet his family in pakistan still play the "we are poor card" and he still sends it to them and no i never ever get a birthday present or anything frommy dad as hes too worried about his parents/brothers/sisters. This is another reason why i am adament not to give in to scroungers as ive watched my parents do it. My kids will come first.........

And by the way my parents arent well off, infact as a teenager i was down right miserable as we had no money.....and i never had any pressies from aunts/uncles to make me feel better.... they still live in that little terrace, still sends his savings to his family but the only difference is they work for a living, my mum works and hence its thekey to providing for themselves!

Oh and my dads tip for dealing with my hubbys family is " Just give them wahtever they need".........just as he did!

margaretclare

tammy wrote:

This is another reason why i am adamant not to give in to scroungers as ive watched my parents do it. My kids will come first.........

And by the way my parents aren't well off, in fact as a teenager i was down right miserable as we had no money.....and i never had any pressies from aunts/uncles to make me feel better.... they still live in that little terrace, still sends his savings to his family but the only difference is they work for a living, my mum works and hence it's the key to providing for themselves!

Oh and my dad's tip for dealing with my hubby's family is "Just give them whatever they need".........just as he did!

Incredible, Tammy. I can see how lonely and isolated you must feel, and what pressure your nice husband is under from his family. I've never experienced anything like this at all...

If you follow your Dad's advice you are backing a losing horse. As I said a few days ago, give in to them ONCE and you've lost. They'll expect it for ever and ever more. Helping elderly parents who can't manage on their pension is one thing. Helping all the brothers, sisters, their kids, their cousins, second cousins and third cousins...can't be done.

The family my husband came from (what's left of them and the ones who still speak to him) can be a bit intrusive. We went on holiday one time and his cousin's wife said 'You didn't tell us you were going on holiday'. Well, why the heck should we? None of their business!

Mostly, however, they don't speak to him - his female first cousin who he grew up with refuses to speak - he 'married out' of their religion, you see, that was his first wife back in the 1960s. And his brother was most disapproving because we got married in church. We've not told any of them that he was baptised and confirmed last summer - not so common in your 70th year, but he felt it was time to make the commitment.

Actually the whole lot of their family descended on his parents back in the 1940s, that was to escape the London bombing, doodlebugs etc. A 3-bed house in South Bucks was bulging at the seams with aunts and their kids. But that's not like giving money.

My younger daughter (the one who died) used to enjoy giving Christmas presents, choosing and wrapping them etc, but the Christmas of 2001 she was a full-time student and her husband had been made redundant. So they announced to everybody 'Christmas is cancelled this year'. Everyone was told, no one expected anything. I hear of people struggling to include present-giving into their budget when they're trying to deal with debt. Me, I would say 'Don't buy us, and we won't buy you'.

I love the Indian-style wedding-dresses - we drove through Southall one time and all the lovely fabrics in the shops...I did consider doing something like that when we got married in 2002. But it was a very simple wedding in our little church, it wouldn't have looked right on me. I did have deep green velvet with an over-tunic and a little veil embroidered all over in gold - I wanted something unusual and it certainly was.

There are scroungers in all sections of society, all walks of life. There are parts of almost every town where there's nothing in life for the young women but teenage pregnancy, grandmothers in their 30s, and young guys who're second or third generation who haven't done a hand's turn of work in their lives. Whereas my husband and I have over a century in the working world behind us, that's the reason why we both have good pensions in our own right. He was ripped-off by 2 previous wives, but when he came here he got a job when aged 63 and worked until his 67th birthday.

Best wishes, Tammy

Aunty Margaret

jellyhead

i don't mean to be argumentative but my grandparents were only in their 30's when i was born. they always worked and their children work, my teenage dad did an apprenticeship that meant him being poorer than he would have been if they'd gone on benefits. i know this is not what the thread's about, just wanted to say that even when teenagers get pregnant and their parents are made grandparents in their 30's it doesn't always follow that they'll all live on the dole.

i have to say i don't understand how come tammy's in-laws can live off benefits for so long, especially the younger ones. don't they get investigated? i thought people who are fit and well were gently encouraged to look for work? can they really just claim benefits for years and never think of finding a job?

anyway, sorry for going off topic again! oh, one year i cancelled xmas, the year before that i gave everyone a chocolate orange, on special from boots. nobody minded.

tammy_3

jellyhead wrote:

i
i have to say i don't understand how come tammy's in-laws can live off benefits for so long, especially the younger ones. don't they get investigated?
nobody minded.

Well if someones workign for the fraud office could you pls answer this question from jellyhead as i certainly would like to know why people get away with not working for years - i know loads of people who do it- ive reported two and working way through a list- but the ones that i havereported still get their benefits- If the government hired me to unroot all the fraudulent people i could save them at least (from the knowledge i have) about 15k a month and thats without investigating!!!! WOuld i dob in my own inlaws.....no! As it would have reprocussions on myself with constant nagging of how they had no cash! So pls any1 out there dont dob them in however you can give them a good thrashing and beat them into getting a job!!!! Not sure how people can sit at home all day everyday and not get bored

margaretclare

jellyhead wrote:

i don't mean to be argumentative but my grandparents were only in their 30's when i was born. they always worked and their children work, my teenage dad did an apprenticeship that meant him being poorer than he would have been if they'd gone on benefits. i know this is not what the thread's about, just wanted to say that even when teenagers get pregnant and their parents are made grandparents in their 30's it doesn't always follow that they'll all live on the dole.

Sorry, jellyhead, the dangers of over-generalising, I guess. Many apologies!

Incidentally, no one in the village I grew up in ever thought I would make anything of myself. I was an illegitimate child, you see, in the days when there were no benefits to speak of and you were just sneered at and looked down on. And my poor mum literally scrubbed floors for a living.

Aunty Margaret

EdInvestor

Tammy

Is there any potential at all for "incentivising achievement" rather than "rewarding failure" ?

Perhaps through presents for your little nieces and nephews if they do well at school rather than handouts for your own contemporaries just because they have no money?

Otherwise I think you right to take a clear stance and stick to it - and so the main challenge is to make sure the backlash doesn't "get to you" - as it seems to be doing. Hence my suggestion that the parents in law "doing a geographical" might be the ideal at least in the short term.

jellyhead

margaretclare wrote:

Sorry, jellyhead, the dangers of over-generalising, I guess. Many apologies!

Incidentally, no one in the village I grew up in ever thought I would make anything of myself. I was an illegitimate child, you see, in the days when there were no benefits to speak of and you were just sneered at and looked down on. And my poor mum literally scrubbed floors for a living.

Aunty Margaret

i don't think anything comes with a stigma like that nowadays does it ... not that it should (and it's hardly the fault of the mother or the child if the father leaves is it ...) but sometimes i do wonder where this attitude of it being okay to be on benefits for life comes from. no offense to anyone, and i have been there myself as a single mum, i just wonder at the younger sons in tammy's in-laws family - why aren't they working, and why does nobody in their family think that they should be working? they're not ill, they're not single parents, what will they do with their lives? as i said i've been on income support with my own (illegitimate) child but it's not something i even thought would last forever, most people use benefits as a short term thing.

Amie_007

Baby_A wrote:

Tammy!

I have to agree with you about the families being greedy. My husbands sister will ring up a week or two before her kids birthdays (she never rings otherwise to see how how we or our daughter is doing), and will telll us what to buy for them. Worst still she has 4 kids and when it is one's birthday they all have to get a present because they argue otherwise! So thats 16 birthday pressies then eid on top!

I cant imagine calling my brother telling him what to buy for my daughter, its the thought that counts!!!

Sorry too hijack the post but...........................

That's unbelievable and terribly rude! If I'm stuck for ideas for what to buy children for birthdays or christmas I always phone the parents to see what they currently like, whether it be star wars, lord of the rings, tweenies or balamory. I'll then go into town and see what i can buy, something i think they will like and give the receipt to the parents incase my present ends up being a duplicate. If I was told what to buy, I think I would have a fit!

As for buying pressies for the other 3 kids, when it's not their birthday - thats mad and greedy!!!

jellyhead

i agree, it's awful! sometimes my relatives will ask my opinion about what my son might like, some people think putting money into a card is impersonal and they'd rather get him a present - but to actually tell people what you expect them to buy is really rude!

my husband is godfather to a boy with 3 siblings, my sis-in-law is godmother to another one of them. they both buy a birthday present for the one they're godparent to but when it's christmas they buy something for the family like a board game, a selection box for everyone etc. but that's their choice and it's not expected of them. as i said we do give gifts to the little ones on birthdays, just one or two people in the family will buy a small gift for the younger sibling to prevent jealousy but it stops by the time the younger sibling is 5. it was my sons birthday last week and i bought presents for my nephews, the youngest is 5. everyone was surprised and i was the only one to do it, because the 5 year old is mature enough to understand that it's not his birthday. it's certainly not necessary after the age of 5.