Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

shays_mum

Girls,girls,girls!!, believe me when i say i know exactly where you are coming from, i have 2 little ones in the equation, so they want to interfere there as well!!! i'm asian, had a semi-arranged marriage & man! i wish i knew about this family before i married in it -soooooooooooo backwards

But, the main thing is try to get a place far far away! & when the MIL yapps away just smile & pretend you are listening, i'm usually planning the next day in my head!!.

The thing is most of these women won't say anything to your face, its all hear-say, because basically they don't have the guts to take on a younger women who'll take her beloved 'beta' away lol:), they will try to get you to speak back to them so she can tell the whole community how BAD you are etc etc...i say DON'T give them the satisfaction, the more you don't care & get on with your life, the madder they'll get, i say let them!!, works for me. I got more important things in my life i.e my babies!! to let her bother me, she got the message after 6 years, but you know what they say, better late then never. Anyway am babbling on, i could write a dissertation on this!, goodluck x;)

shays_mum

"There are lovely intelligent girls who have shyness in their eyes and respect for the world around them and not so loud mouthed and with so much selfishness as is the case in some of the westernised Asian girls"

eh?!!!!, what are you on about?!!?, better to loudmouthed, then pretend modesty!! & btw how many asian girls do you know?!

dii_2

Yeah right !!! I dis agree with baked _beans_ lady...If you give them an inch they will take a mile girl. listen I am married and I know what I am talking about. I strongly agree with shallow pockets views and amie_007.You and your husband and kids to be are the main prority every other thing are secondary even tertiary. PLS don't let them send you on a guilt trip...you have a choice to make your self happy, all this arranged marriage stuff is a means of manipulation of the so called bride, to do what they want...i.e to control the couple, which they cann't do with you that's why they are sending you on a threat guilt trip. Never ever let them provoke you to the extent of you 'advicing' them on getting a job or back off you. Your hubby should do that, Just let him know how you really feel and if you truely matter to him and he want you to be happy in your marriage then he better stand His ground and stop being a daddy's or mummy's boy. meanwhile you better reduce your association with them the more you hang around them the more they insult you .Get your self occupied and don't be bothered to impress them or be in their good records it can never work. so learn to make your home happy (and your hubby) Listen you can never impress an in-law/people at the expence of your own joy, girl they don't worth it. Pls be confident in your decision with your husband learn to say know without feeling guilty, don't get involve directly only through your husband but remember go through the way it works out best for you guys never suck up to them but be candidly diplomatic.
I wish you the very best.

margaretclare

shays_mum wrote:

But, the main thing is try to get a place far far away! & when the MIL yapps away just smile & pretend you are listening, i'm usually planning the next day in my head.

Had to smile, shays_mum, and I would be very interested to read your dissertation, should you ever get down to writing it.

The thing is, this in-laws situation has been going on since the dawn of time - it has happened in all societies and all cultures. I'm English probably back to a thousand years ago, so was my first husband, and I could write a book about the hassles I had with M-I-L. He was her only son, see, and no one would ever, ever have been good enough.

I have a good friend at the moment. She's in her mid-50s and has had 35 years of M-I-L. And although M-I-L is now incapable to looking after herself and is in a nursing home, my friend is STILL getting it! There's a long-running saga about Christmas, my friend and her husband recently moved into a bungalow (more convenient for them) and M-I-L has latched on to the word 'bungalow' and thinks she should go there for Christmas. It's not going to happen, there are good reasons why the idea is completely impractical, but my friend and her husband get this ear-bashing every time they visit. I agree with your outlook, shays_mum, but there are some people who are just not strong enough, not assertive enough, too polite, too nice, too 'English'! Me, I would say 'What part of "No, it's not practical" don't you understand?'

If I had met my present husband when we were much younger I would have had a similar sort of hassle. I'd have been called a 'shiksa', as in 'my son is not going to marry that shiksa....' He's 3rd generation immigrant. And he tells how he had to resist this 'tradition' when he was growing up. He was a very athletic young guy and used to go out running, training at the rowing club etc after work, and mum would be cooking a meal for 7 pm. 'Too late for me, I've got to go out. I'll grab a pie down the pub'. Dad: 'Show some respect for your mother'. 'Well, she knows I go out training, why expect me to eat a meal at 7 pm?' And so it would go on. I think he did very well to be strong enough to break free, as did Tammy's husband in the original post.

We still occasionally get hassle from his brother, because we were married in a church! It didn't appear to upset his cousin, who was happy to be his best man, but apparently it would have offended brother's principles to enter a church. It's the church we attend regularly, have done together for the last 8 years, and it's no business of brother's or anyone else's.

Aunty Margaret

mrs_lds

tAMMY MAKE SOME MONEY LOVE AND WRITE A BOOK ON THIS IT WILL BE A BEST SELLER!!!!!tHEN GO LIVE AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM THE TRIBE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!!!! di IT.!!!

EdInvestor

Interesting thread, I remember all the old stuff in the UK about "blushing brides" going to the altar supposedly "virginal", dressed in white, including a veil.

Of course fellas were supposed to have "sown a few wild oats". Err, bit difficult if all the girls were virginal, and prostitution was illegal

Boy, did the village gossip machine get rolling if any young things showed up at the church a bit late with her dressed in white and it "showed"

And you can imagine the drama that will have happened before,and the problem she would have with the MIL throughout the marriage from then on. The shame, and all that.

I think it was the invention of the Pill, meaning they could avoid getting pregnant, that freed up women here in the 60s.Interesting to see that for Asian ladies, it seems to be that actually having a couple of kids gives them the power to do what they like.

Have I got that right?

meheraltaf

margaretclare wrote:

Had to smile, shays_mum, and I would be very interested to read your dissertation, should you ever get down to writing it. blah.....blah ...........blah
Aunty Margaret

What point were you trying to make or was it one of those long tales weaved out of sheer boredom -I think you should write a book, so that you would keep yourself occupied and spare some of us at least with your tell-tales...:D

EdInvestor wrote:

I think it was the invention of the Pill, meaning they could avoid getting pregnant, that freed up women here in the 60s.Interesting to see that for Asian ladies, it seems to be that actually having a couple of kids gives them the power to do what they like.

Have I got that right?

This is not a question of right or wrong in its realistic sense. We hear of several practices, immoral and illegal and we know for sure that in some parts of the world there are communities who do engage in barbaric customs but again, it is only fringes in some societies. But to generalise it and be judgmental is what make our views and understanding wrong.

jellyhead

shy and respectful, hmmm ...

aunty marg i agree - it's a problem in all cultures and societies, an ideal topic for a sociology dissertation :-)

elona

Meher

It must be lovely to know that everyone is wrong but you!

Thanks margaret clare for your interesting comments - most of us appreciated them and you.

Good luck with the surgery on 1st December.

margaretclare

elona wrote:

Meher

It must be lovely to know that everyone is wrong but you!

Thanks margaret clare for your interesting comments - most of us appreciated them and you.

Good luck with the surgery on 1st December.

Thank you very much for the kind thoughts and wishes.

The 'point' I was trying to make was to illustrate other people who have the 'in-law' problem.

Had a lovely chat with my daughter last night - now, she's not very shy or modest, never has been, not since she was a little 3-year old telling the other kids what they'll play today. She calls a spade a spade not a hand-operated earth-moving implement, but in the nicest possible way. She flies off to the Maldives 3 days after I have that surgery - it's a 'dream holiday' to celebrate their Silver Wedding. Now, neither I nor her dad approved of her choice of husband, for many reasons which seemed good to us at the time. And they had a runaway civil wedding, and I've never seen anyone, man or woman, cry as her dad cried when we got the news. But this guy has really turned up trumps! He admitted to me some time ago that she had 'really opened his eyes, opened a new world for him'. And they did have a proper church rededication on their 20th anniversary. She's recently had to cope with redundancy, finding a new job, and starting on a part-time Classics degree. None of which she'd have done if she was very 'shy or modest'! And my granddaughter went on the bus to college last Friday wearing pyjamas and dressing-gown to raise money for Children in Need. And she recently marched through York with rifle and bayonet as part of the Colour Guard for Trafalgar. 'Shy and modest'? I don't think so. But I'm desperately proud of them just the same.

Aunty Margaret