Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

elaine373

I think this modesty subject has taken over the op`s thread, But i would like to say this, it has been greatly misunderstood. maybe its because i am english and muslim so i can see why people misunderstand modesty as oppressive. Aunty margaret, i am sure your daughter is lovely, and its understandable that you are proud.I do however think you are assuming modesty means oppression.I have daughters too.One is 17, painfully shy by nature,and extremely modest too, but is doing well in her 4 a levels and hopes to follow them with a french degree. Do you see where i am coming from? shyness isnt a deliberate act, modesty can be but doesnt have to hold women back. Islamically modesty is preferred . modesty can come in allsorts of different ways. There are certain guidelines that muslims follow and believing women are meant to be modest.E.g. you dont hold a mans gaze, you dress appropriately, you dont shout your mouth off to be heard.
I dont ask anybody to agree with this, but do ask that you understand its way of life.It doesnt mean you are being walked on. I also call a spade a spade , and i let no-one walk over me but i still try to follow this simple guidelines.Dont assume a covered, quiet muslim women is being made to behave this way, she is just following her faith.Dont assume a brash loud muslim girl has set herself free, she maybe lost with her religion.
I understand the misunderstanding as there are many different behaviours from muslims and this isnt always a good representation of the islamic faith.
Also, dont confuse asian as muslim, it isnt always the same thing.Regards and best wishes to every-one, Elaine

rabialiones

wonder where the 'thanks' icon has disappeared to?
anyway thanks elaine for the explanation which i agree with 100% !

margaretclare

Hi Elaine

'Not hold a man's gaze....' so you wouldn't look someone straight in the eye when speaking to them? I've also had a man refuse to shake hands with me, and it happened both with a Muslim and with an orthodox Jew.

I don't think it's praiseworthy to be brash or loud. I do however think that it's essential to be assertive in the world as it is. I think 'appropriate clothing' - yes, it may be fashionable to walk around with a bare tummy but no one except a very slim young girl can get away with it, and then only in warm weather (VBG). I think the fashions to dress very young are not kind to older women. There can be a lot to say in favour of being more covered-up.

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

EdInvestor

elaine373 wrote:

Dont assume a covered, quiet muslim women is being made to behave this way, she is just following her faith.Dont assume a brash loud muslim girl has set herself free, she maybe lost with her religion.

One of the things I've noticed with Muslim ladies is that if you want to be a bit outspoken in the Islamic debate - because make no mistake, there is a BIG debate going on about many issues (including the role of women) - it helps to wear a headscarf. Then you can't be accused of not respecting the faith.So I agree it's wrong to make any assumptions about outward appearances.

Also, dont confuse asian as muslim, it isnt always the same thing.

Quite right.Plenty of Christian Asians about, not to mention Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists etc.

margaretclare

:Also, dont confuse asian as muslim, it isnt always the same thing.

Quite right.Plenty of Christian Asians about, not to mention Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists etc.

Yes, true. But just to make my own position clear, in this discussion I've never mentioned the words 'Asian' or 'Muslim'. I think the in-laws thing may exist in all times and all cultures.

Just heard from my daughter that she has an essay to write: 'The diverse modern family promotes equality - discuss'. And all in 1000 words!!! Sooner her than me.

Aunty Margaret

black-saturn

I'm English desent and so were all my ex boyfriends but I still never got on with any of my inlaws!!

Ganyam

When in Rome, do as the Romans....

meheraltaf

shays_mum wrote:

eh?!!!!, what are you on about?!!?, better to loudmouthed, then pretend modesty!!

Better to be loud mouthed? But obviously no brains to handle family problems and can see that from all the dirty linen washed in public by several posters:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

By the way modesty cannot be pretended, either you are modest or or you are not modest. Anyway, I did not call for modesty or shyness here, just that my first post has been distorted big time.

EdInvestor wrote:

One of the things I've noticed with Muslim ladies is that if you want to be a bit outspoken in the Islamic debate - because make no mistake, there is a BIG debate going on about many issues (including the role of women) - it helps to wear a headscarf. Then you can't be accused of not respecting the faith.

I have friends who dont and never ever worn a hijab or scarf whatever they call, they are all highly respected even within the Muslim community.

The difference is not just in different Asians, but Muslims from India are very different to the Muslims from Pakistan and there are differences likewise, between Muslims from counties that follow Sharia law and other progressive parts of the Islamic world.

Mind you, in an Islamic debate sometimes you do have Muslims who have progressive views and therefore some amongst them might not wear a hijab, I doubt if they would be accused of not respecting their faith or more likely that they dont have a fragile ego to be affected by such accusations.

What narrow views..:rolleyes: dont blame anyone. I have heard of people in the western nations who dont know where Afghanistan or Iraq on the world map and mind you, they have sent their governments to war/ invade and occupy those very same countries!

elona

meher

It takes more than brains to solve family problems - it takes tolerance understanding and compassion.

Having "brains" is not a stick to beat others with - it should make us more understanding - not less.

My sympathies to the posters who have shared their painful experiences and problems in good faith - only to be mocked as brainless.

This is not what MSE is about.

EdInvestor

IME the basic dynamics within families don't differ much in different societies,cultures and religions - it tends rather to be a matter of emphasis. The title of this thread could easily be "Very traditional American ( or Spanish, or African) inlaws getting on my XXXX..."

Seems to me that since we live in a multicultural society, it's more constructive to seek the similarities and see what lessons can be learned/advice can be given, rather than accentuate the differences. That way we all learn something