Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

elona

Edinvestor

It could even have been a traditional Scottish family - especially one that comes from a small country town.

margaretclare

EdInvestor wrote:

IME the basic dynamics within families don't differ much in different societies,cultures and religions - it tends rather to be a matter of emphasis. The title of this thread could easily be "Very traditional American ( or Spanish, or African) inlaws getting on my XXXX.

Yes, I'm certain. And there are certain 'traditional' people that I'm now related to by marriage, that will not speak to me. My husband's cousin, they played together as kids, put the phone down on him.

However, it's their loss, not ours. There are plenty of nice people in the world.

In his grandparents' time arranged marriages were common for them as well, even in Whitechapel. Remember the song 'Matchmaker, matchmaker..'

Aunty Margaret

elona

margaretclare

I agree with you - it is definately their loss.

I do not know about being "Traditional" but if it is an excuse for being spiteful, mean and petty then I am glad I am not"traditional" in that sense.

EdInvestor

elona wrote:

Edinvestor

It could even have been a traditional Scottish family - especially one that comes from a small country town.

You're not kidding. I well remember the uproar in my own family years ago when my aunt fell in love with a German, shock horror. My Scottish grandmother, who had lost several brothers in France in the 1st world war, saw red and kicked her out of the house in a rage.

The German was a charming man who had joined the German army at the age of around 16 and promptly got captured by the Russians.He spent the rest of the war in a prison camp surviving on bread and cabbage and emerged in a pretty ghastly state, as you can imagine - as much a victim as an aggressor.Eventually things calmed down, they got married and lived happily ever after - indeed so calm did everything get that eventually Granny moved in with them and spent her last days in their care.

Some things are pretty universal - one can easily see that kind of thing happening today, though the events I describe were in the 1960s.

meheraltaf

elona wrote:

meher

It takes more than brains to solve family problems - it takes tolerance understanding and compassion.

Having "brains" is not a stick to beat others with - it should make us more understanding - not less.

Elona, I responded the way I did with the hostility towards my posts-I did not mean it.

Talking about tolerance, understanding and compassion, It seems like it is not so evident on these posts here towards their MILs or parents in law?

I agree with you half heartedly-respecting you inlaws and commanding respect for yourself and dealing with day to day issues, be it about finacial affairs or general home affairs is not rocket science. But brains do help a lot in understanding the dynamics of relationships and applying the virtues -tolerance and compassion.

But thanks Elona for a decent reponse, much appreciated.

EdInvestor wrote:

Seems to me that since we live in a multicultural society, it's more constructive to seek the similarities and see what lessons can be learned/advice can be given, rather than accentuate the differences. That way we all learn something

What do we learn from similarities?

Our basic problem is that we seek the similarities and dont tolerate the differences.

jellyhead

i'm afraid i don't agree. brains don't make much difference when getting on with family. the happiest people i know are those who aren't clever at all.

the problems aren't just about race either - the same can happen when people fall in love outside of their 'class'. in the 40's my gran was disowned by her entire family after starting to 'court' my grandad. she lived in a large house with servants, he was a pauper whose family lived in a council house, with a 'menial' job.

meheraltaf

jellyhead wrote:

brains don't make much difference when getting on with family. ..........
the problems aren't just about race either - the same can happen when people fall in love outside of their 'class'.

By brains in this context meant emotional intelligence, also I did say-'it helps' and not one of an essential criterea.

My first post was in fact address this-the difference in background would face problems. So if the girl not happy with traditional MIL's look for men from similar background and the men who want their girls to be the 'traditional' wife..go, look for them in Pakistan (just in this case).

Surely these posters complaining wouldnt mind if their brother brings along a wife who pays no respect for your parents?

All this boils down to our own upbringing, if we are brought up to give and take, we would have plenty to give and receive in plenty.

elaine373

Well as far as when in Rome etc etc, I am a muslim and this is my country. I have the right to follow my religion.( As do other religions.) Thats a very narrow point of view. I live very happily, amongst christians,hindu`s, Seikhs,etc, and non religious people. I am english , so i dont have a country to return to. I have met many narrow minded people and have heard the expression when in rome do as the romans do, but there are aspects of my religion which i am not going to abandon just because people dont understand it. I FIND THAT POSTING VERY INSULTING. where is it written that we should all be the same. Get over it, this country is multi racial and multi religious.Thats a fact.

elaine373

Ganyam wrote:

When in Rome, do as the Romans....

Sorry , this is the quote i meant to include in my post.

margaretclare

I know I am setting myself up to be flamed here, but....Elaine, you say you are English and Muslim. I cannot understand why an Englishwoman would volunteer to join such a foreign religion. As I understand it, you say your prayers in Arabic, am I right? Arabic is a Middle- Eastern language. Don't you think that God understands all languages? Won't He hear your prayers, as He hears mine, if you pray in your native tongue?

I had a bit of a discussion with B this morning when we were talking about Christmas, Advent etc. He said: 'The bottom line is, I believe in God'. I said: 'But you could have believed in God and stayed with the religion you were brought up in - you deliberately chose to become a Christian' (he was baptised in his 70th year). He said: 'Oh no no, I didn't want to stick with them and maybe become another one like Kirk Douglas'. 'Well then, you could have become a Muslim, they believe in God'. 'No, no, no!' And he made that point that I've made, that he prefers to pray in his own language and he has every belief that God hears him.

(Retreats putting tin hat on). BTW it's Advent Sunday - a happy and blessed season of Advent to everyone.

Aunty Margaret