Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

Raspberry_Ripples

Tammy - I P'd myself laughing reading your thread!

Been there, done that, & bought the weekly groceries for the family....

What you need to realise is that your inlaws aint gonna change, and they will emotionally blackmail your husband till the cows come home and each and everytime he will give in and provide. I know - 'cos I did...

(To make matters worse, I've married a Christian woman - can you imagine their reaction?? Yup, didn't talk to me for 3 years, then along came my beautiful daughter and everything is forgiven)

Basically, what I'm saying is things are never going to change while your (and your husbands) relationship with your inlaws is on their terms. Never. Ever.

Hard as it sounds, the only way forward (which worked for me) is make the break, let them realise what they're missing and rebuild the relationship on your terms - of course, his may not be the best way forward for you.

One final thing, if your inlaws are anything like my parents, they'll have a nice stash of cash of their own while living on your husbands money....

Good luck.

margaretclare

tammy wrote:

Sorry to hear about your daughter........
They (inlaws) arent racist or prejudiced against the British way of life-Just liek alot of British people retire to spain they want to retire back to their homeland. I understand it from their point of view to settle there because all their family is there- that was originally where they were born and bred-that is where all their family history is, they own land there that was passed down from generation to generation, this isnt a discussion about them hating british culture, its a discussion about them being lazy/scroungers and anyone who watches eastenders will see theres a likeness with them and the Millers! I dont wish to make this discussion into something about race because its not about race its about them being annoying!!!!!!

I am sorry, Tammy, I didn't mean it to come out as a racist comment - anyone who knows me knows I don't have a racist bone in my body. Yes, I've known people who wanted to retire to the land of their birth - a woman I used to work with and husband recently retired to Jamaica leaving son here. But they had worked their socks off all their adult lives and retired with good pensions - hers was from the NHS and his from engineering. Point is, they did not expect anyone else to fund their retirement - they worked for it and earned it themselves.

I had to smile at the comment about in-laws having servants to wait on them in Pakistan - and you're expected to fund that???? Hell would freeze over before I would do any such thing!

I once worked in a maternity unit in a god-forsaken town called Najran, Saudi Arabia. I had a very multi-national staff (I was senior midwife on Delivery Suite). And they would ask about how I lived, where I lived etc. I explained that I lived in a little house, a 2-bedroomed bungalow, on my own since my husband died...and the question came back 'And where do your servants sleep?' I did my best to explain about the total lack of servants for the vast majority of us in the UK, but I'm not sure I ever managed to convince them. To them, we are 'rich', we have this enviable lifestyle, and they equate that with having servants. And they too would say that I should live with my daughters, let them look after me...they couldn't accept that I would never want to.

Aunty Margaret

tammy_3

margaretclare wrote:

I am sorry, Tammy, I didn't mean it to come out as a racist comment - anyone who knows me knows I don't have a racist bone in my body. Yes, I've known people who wanted to retire to the land of their birth - a woman I used to work with and husband recently retired to Jamaica leaving son here. But they had worked their socks off all their adult lives and retired with good pensions - hers was from the NHS and his from engineering. Point is, they did not expect anyone else to fund their retirement - they worked for it and earned it themselves.

I had to smile at the comment about in-laws having servants to wait on them in Pakistan - and you're expected to fund that???? Hell would freeze over before I would do any such thing!

I once worked in a maternity unit in a god-forsaken town called Najran, Saudi Arabia. I had a very multi-national staff (I was senior midwife on Delivery Suite). And they would ask about how I lived, where I lived etc. I explained that I lived in a little house, a 2-bedroomed bungalow, on my own since my husband died...and the question came back 'And where do your servants sleep?' I did my best to explain about the total lack of servants for the vast majority of us in the UK, but I'm not sure I ever managed to convince them. To them, we are 'rich', we have this enviable lifestyle, and they equate that with having servants. And they too would say that I should live with my daughters, let them look after me...they couldn't accept that I would never want to.

Aunty Margaret

hi aunt margaret!

i didnt think you were racist but i didnt want you to think they were either......but they dont understand that i work, im doing my phd and the reason i work hard is to make my future easier, my kids future easier.....not so that i can pay my bills at home leaving him free to pay their bills! Yes i totally agree why should they be free to go and retire in peace in pakistan with servants whilst we live the rat race- he (fatherinlaw) only came back last september from a 7 month break and hes off again, and no doubt will ask us for money and my answer is NO- im already stressed about getting a house but the problem is how many times can u say NO? im prepared to carry on but as a friend of mine found eventually her inlaws came right out and put the waterworks on their son and accused their daughterinlaw of getting in between son-mother/father relationship- unfortunately for her (my mate) her hubby was around that mothers finger within hours......now i have faith in my partner and i know he loves me to bits as i do him but what im afraid of is emotional blackmail or trying to turn him against me like they have done BEFORE we married when we first met......i dont think they will manage it now though as i tag along with him when he goes and no visits are unsupervised but i dont trust them and im worried if they will get to him via blackmail..............

tammy_3

Raspberry_Ripples wrote:

Tammy - I P'd myself laughing reading your thread!

Been there, done that, & bought the weekly groceries for the family....

What you need to realise is that your inlaws aint gonna change, and they will emotionally blackmail your husband till the cows come home and each and everytime he will give in and provide. I know - 'cos I did...
One final thing, if your inlaws are anything like my parents, they'll have a nice stash of cash of their own while living on your husbands money....

Good luck.

You are soooooo right!!!!! They have 10k worth of gold/money stashed up which my keen ears picked up on during a conversation motherinlaw had with her brother..........yes my hubby did pay all the bills etc but it doesnt count for sh*t all now!! and the reason they are really p*ssed is probably because theyve lost the foothold on their son because now i am his world :T which is probably why they dont like me- but u should know through experience its not their son but their daugherinlaw they are going to blame and try and pull their son away from her claws!!! which is what im ultimately afraid of as well as trying to build up a nice stash of money for my house deposit!

Baby_A

I can totally relate to this. I had a arranged marriage and am also asian.

My husband is the eldest son (one younger than him), up until he got married he used to pay for everything when living with his mum (from the carpet to microwaves and cars on HP). When I got married it was a big shock for me as my brother never paid for that sort of stuff to my mum.

Anyway to make things worse, my husband has about 50k worth of debts (he went down in shares before we met), which his mum knew. Even when knowing this she didnt see it as a priority to allow him to pay off his debts.

After big arguements and me being very close to ending our marriage we moved out and started to rent (much to my MIL's disappointment). I was preganant at the time of leaving and was told how inconsiderate it was of me to have a baby. The way I saw it was if he was going to pay about 1k ever month so my MIL can have a life of luxury including driving a mercedes then I rather he paid our rent and I keep my sanity!!

My MIl expected for my husband to carry on paying for her merc payments, her insurance for the car, all the top sky packages etc and I made it very clear to my husband that it want a option. Dont get me wrong if it was for his eldery parents who needed money for food or essentials i'd be the forst to give the moent. However I wont be paying for her luxurys, espically while me and my daughter have to struggle.

Much to my annoyance I later found out that my husband was paying for all these things behind my back, I never knew about this as his bank statements still went to his mums house and she used to hide it and give it to him behind my back. I was so annoyed as all my daughters things when she was born was bought from savings I had before I got married as my husband said he didnt have the money. I saw it as ok, hes trying to clear his debts I wont stress him.

Anyway i could go on forever and ever.

The point I am trying to make is, that alot of asian men find it hard to speak up for whats right to their parents, and wont see their wife and kids as their main priority.

Helen_from_yorkshire

Has anyone got a link to the MIL at Christmas thread that margaretclare mentioned. I know Christmas is a long way off but Im dreading the prospect already.

Tammy - I had the same problems as u with my hubbie when we first met. His mother was a real scrounger, she would buy furniture on credit (table and 6 chairs when she lives on her own) for extortionate amounts and expect my hubbie to pay monthly payments. She would always be pleading poverty, sending him her phone/electric bills to pay. Anyway at first my hubbie felt he owed a duty to his mother to help pay the bills as she was on her own (her husband left her 20 years ago, I don't blame him!!!) but after I had made him aware of what was happening he realised how much money of his she was plundering so he stopped paying completely. She hates me for this now but I don't care.

It took him a while to realise and my hubbie was quite defensive of his mother at first, but maybe your husband will come round to your way of thinking Tammy, just persevere. You need your husband to stand up to his parents and until he realises I'm afraid there's not much you can do. He will realise eventually though, as my husband did, and he wonders how he put up with it for so long.

Good luck!

nearlyrich

Mother in Law Thread as requested

tammy_3

My hubby used to be a door mat agggggggggges ago but with careful coaching he isnt a doormat anymore....i know im moaning but my hubby is a lovely person and actually hasnt really given much to his parents over the past few years......all im saying is that he has done his bit but his parents DONT think he has and continually drop hints or blatantly ask- im jsut worried that one day they may get to him! for all those asians out there DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND GO ALONE TO HIS PARENTS OR ANY FAMILY otherwise you're fate will be the same as the poor girl (remark above) - i tag along everywhere with him, ive made it clear he cant go alone because im paranoid...but i wont stop him seeing anyone only im there all the time on his arm - i really dont know how to deal with them, waht to say or how to tackle, they are very different to what ive been brought up with, where everyone works hard down to the baby of the family (and believe me my kid baby sis in primary school is more mature than his grown men brothers!)....no matter how many pleas i give with regards to our situation eg. our mortgage will cost more than hubbys full salary ....they dont care they think they have a right to ask........and cant understand the point that they shouldnt be demanding until they are old- they keep saying that i work and i say well i wont be when i have kids even though i have a budding career....well ive already told them that when i decide to have children i will have to give up my job or go partime to give them the kind of love they deserve, but his mum volunteered many a time to look after yet to be conceived kids while im at work......but I DONT WANT TO work when i have a baby and it seems to me the only reason she kept suggesting was so that mykid would be in their possession all day and then i would owe them a little in terms of my salary? perhaps im wrong but certainly theyve made other points perfectly clear- so the point is
1. do i carry on as normal but secretly bubbling & fuming under the service
2. tell them to p*ss off you scrounging lazy fat layabouts (in my dreams perhaps!i wouldnt really say this cos i love my hubby too much and wont stoop to such antics in reality!)
3. tell them blatantly stop hinting at me, stop telling me you;ve not got enough money for milk or i'll ask my sister to print me a mini statment of your account(whose a manager at the bank they hold their accounts)
4. whether u have money or not is nothing to do with us
5. go back to pretending i DONT work which i did for a year but then thought why should me and hubby lie so then said ive gone back to working...

Bossyboots

Suddenly my MIL doesn't seem so bad.

margaretclare

Hi Tammy

Of your 5 options as above, I would rule out 1 and 5. 1 - Bubbling with rage in silence is not good for your own health, given that you have a busy life already and are thinking of having children in the future - this option would be extremely bad for your blood-pressure. Likewise 5 - why should you have to lie and pretend? Living a lie is very difficult to maintain, there's always the worry that you might be found out, you have to keep remembering to tell the same story! Option 2 would tempt me, but probably impractical and would upset your husband as you say - you don't want to put a strain on your marriage. That leaves 3 and 4...Option 3 probably is more workable. However, as Raspberry Ripple already said, you will not change these people - they're as they are, the product of centuries of what they would call 'culture'. The most you can hope for is not to affect YOU and your own little family. All I can suggest is - just keep on as you are now. Sooner or later they might (could possibly?) get the message? (Squadrons of flying pigs just passed the window). I think you're right not to contemplate M-I-L as baby-sitter - she probably sees this as a chance to wiggle herself into your conscience and your husband's, and do some conditioning of the innocent child! I used to find it hard to discourage my mum from giving sweets, let alone having to deal with a clash of cultures!!!

Just to repeat - my husband and I are 70 (well, I will be in 3 weeks' time). My daughter, and his son and daughter, are all doing very well - but we don't expect to be given anything. It's nice to see them, we keep in touch (they all live at a distance) and nice to hear how they're doing. My daughter is being made redundant from Ofsted but she's just got a new job as PA in a brand-new purpose-built psychiatric hospital (apparently psychiatric services are being outsourced!) It's lovely to hear from them all, hear of their doings, all their ups and downs, but we wouldn't regard them as being put on this earth to 'support' us even in our 70s! We don't need it anyway, we have enough for our needs, not rich but a long way from being poor.

Very best wishes

Aunty Margaret