Very traditional asian inlaws getting on my XXXXX

tammy_3

his parents dont work because they chose not to- they make excuses about their state of health which isnt any different than that of myparents or others within the working world-they do take benefits, jobseekers allowance-

we do the admin for them whenever they need it but i simply refuse to be in the role of dutiful daughterinlaw and do their sons ironing or cooking or cleaning. We have enough of our to do

in terms of other sons contributing well one of the couples who live int heir own place are as tightfisted as anything. BOth of them are as bad as eachother- For the past 15 years theyve lived in their own council place (paid by taxpayersmoney as he also is unemployed) but he takes himself + wife plus cricket team of kids to my inlaws house wehre they eat breakfast lunch and sometimes evening meal there- However they DO NOT contribute and since my partner is a soft touch never said to his brother that he should contribute when my hubby used to pay the bills- like i said all the younger ones that live there are not very hardworking and therefore i suppose have taken off my husband as he would just pay bills with minimum of fuss and thought he could afford to as hes a graduate. I suppose my inlaws probably think im a b*tch cos ive put a stop to any money being squeezed out of my husband as i think hes paid enough- ANd in years to come when they are on the pension we will give them a little helping hand both in terms of money and physcial help but i refuse to do this now-

EdInvestor

Hi Tammy

And now they are sayign they want to permanently move back to pakistan, ok fine i said- i said we'll put your house on rent you'll get £800 a month for it, pay off some of that remortgaging you did (for their younger sons) and some extra for you lot to live on. His mums reply was they cant put hte house on rent because the younger ones need somewhere to live, therefore all her sons will have to contribute £50 a month to them to stay over there- Im sorry but £50 a month is alot of money inthis day and age when house prices are through the roof.

This sounds like a good idea to me.

There's a good chance it will force the younger sons to work, and that seems to be the main underlying problem. Kids who won't leave home and stand on their own two feet are a very common problem in the UK

Just so as it's made clear your hubby pays his 50 quid a month and that's absolutely all, I should go with that plan.

tammy_3

Thanks Aunty Margaret!

Im sure many asians arent like this as certainly my parents are not! Being a part of two cultures is great as one can learn about the goods and bads from both and take a little of two worlds.....so where on one hand i am adament i want my nuclear family (current just a twosome though!), privacy and romantic getaways from my hubby, i also think its ungrateful and cruel to put your parents in an old peoples home when theyve brought you up, so rest assured we will do our bit in years to come but i really do want them for the next 15 years to lay off! theyre probably thinking im taking their son away but i cant be anyworse than their sons! and unfortunately its in asian culture that parents rely more on the older sons but im sorry but they cant treat me and my husband one way and the younger ones a different way- i have worked hard to get a v. good education which is thanks to my parents who even though they came to a foreign country, they studied in their spare time, learnt the language spoke to us in english, taught us all our basic education up to abotu 12/13 and hence all of their kids are graduates from the top 5%of universities. My first priority is to them, so if we were to give £50 to his parents dont his parents think i would give £50 to mine????

They are very self centred, selfish, stuck in their ways and cant appreciate their son for who he is- He is miles better than the rest of their sons and im not syaign this because im married to him but i seriously cant understand how he is related to any of them- What on earth should i do with his family? They have in the past even after we married tried to turn him against me but it didnt work, so i dont trust them- In an ideal world i would prefer they ALL (cousins/aunts/parents the whole lot) went back to pakistan and left us alone to live in our love bubble but since that cant be achieved how on earth do i deal with them??? On his salary alone he has barely saved more than 2k in 2 years so im working as well (well i owuld anyway cos i love myjob) to save for a house but that doesnt mean we have extra to give to them!!!!! my dad doesnt understnad and thinks we should support them because my dad has done that and we as children had a very deprived childhood :mad: becaue he supported all his family so therefore i flatly refuse to let my kids to be to go without just to support because who DONT WANT TO WORK

Spendless

Personally I wouldn't pay the £50 a month, however much I wished they lived elsewhere, cos I feel if you give £50 you're leaving yourself open to negotiation on further amounts.

robnye

you have my sympathy (sorry its such a !!!!!! word)

I am not asian and dont know the sorts of pressure you are under.... but i am aware of families causing all sorts of stress/bother due to 'familiy loyalties', whilst these are not of the level that 'asian' families appear to apply................. :rolleyes:

tammy_3

EdInvestor wrote:

Hi Tammy



This sounds like a good idea to me.

There's a good chance it will force the younger sons to work, and that seems to be the main underlying problem. Kids who won't leave home and stand on their own two feet are a very common problem in the UK

Just so as it's made clear your hubby pays his 50 quid a month and that's absolutely all, I should go with that plan.

ooooooh noooooooooo but i dont want to give them £50 a month !!!! im going to stamp my feet at that- there is no way- i wanted to travel with my hubby for a few months before we have kids but the answer is no because we cant afford not to work and get a house so i dont see why i should finance their long holidays...and on top of that how do i know that in 20 years time they wont leave the house to their precious younger sons which looks like they probably will- if thats going ot be the case, they can pay up! and if the reason the house isnt being rented out is becaue the poor little ones have no where to go then THEY should pay up- we werent given any hand outs so why shoudl we support the younger ones- i bet they WILL NOT move out and if so then the loss of rent shoudl be recovered by them!

tammy_3

baked_beans_lady wrote:

Hi, Tammy,

I really understand how you feel, as my best friend was in the same situation as you.

The trouble with your parents in law is they belong to older generation and their idea of raising kids is that when they are old their kids can look after them, provide them with every needs. And because we are "the children" (doesn't matter how old we are) we should always do what we are told.

If your in law are seriously consider to move back to Asia, then you should let them as this move will almost improve the unhappy tension between you. If they want you to pay some money per month to assist their living then I think it might worth you considering, as long as you make sure this is the only amount you will pay out to them.

I know this sounds soft, not standing your ground, but just try to look at this matter from your husband's point of view. He is the only person who is sandwich in the middle between you and his family, it's not easy for him to please both sides of his family.

Well i understand what you are saying but it wont stop there- he used to contribute before, isnt that enough? they used to get money off him all the time for this bill and that bill and now itstime for the younger ones, particularly since their dad only remortgaged to help out those lazy loungers......and as for my hubby dont you think he should learn to have some self respect and stand up for himself and stop being a doormat(well he has now and i want it to continue)

Spendless

Tammy - Have you ever said to your in-laws or your dad that as and when you have children of your own you will not expect them to provide for you and your husband financially, and that is the way you see it from now on?

margaretclare

tammy wrote:

ooooooh noooooooooo but i dont want to give them £50 a month !!!! im going to stamp my feet at that- there is no way- i wanted to travel with my hubby for a few months before we have kids but the answer is no because we cant afford not to work and get a house so i dont see why i should finance their long holidays...and on top of that how do i know that in 20 years time they wont leave the house to their precious younger sons which looks like they probably will- if thats going ot be the case, they can pay up! and if the reason the house isnt being rented out is becaue the poor little ones have no where to go then THEY should pay up- we werent given any hand outs so why shoudl we support the younger ones- i bet they WILL NOT move out and if so then the loss of rent shoudl be recovered by them!

Tammy, I agree with you. Don't give them £50, don't give them one penny-piece! (See my previous example of kids demanding ice-cream - you only have to do it ONCE and they have you by the short-and-curlies, as the blokes say).

Well, I am 70. I had no sons from my first marriage, I have one daughter remaining (the other one died). My daughter lives 250 miles away. I don't expect to be given anything. It has always been my view that it's my responsibility to provide for myself, and I always have - have always worked. I now get pensions based on a full working life. I'm now happily in a second marriage. His brother had a go at me one time - 'couldn't go to your wedding because it was in a church' - apparently it offends his principles to darken the doorway of any church. So we don't see brother unless we have to - B thinks he's a pretentious, hypocritical fool.

If they'd be happier living in Pakistan then why don't they go. If they really want the way of life there rather than here, I'd wave them off at the airport! Recent terrible events are showing us that we don't need people who think our way of life is wrong, that there are other countries which are better to live in. To anyone who thinks that I'd say - fine, just go, don't delay, let's see the back of you! Tammy, I am not being racist. Just down-to-earth and practical. There's a saying that 'the grass is always greener in the next field' and some people are always thinking that life would be better somewhere else. Well, if they think like that what's stopping them?

Aunty Margaret

tammy_3

Im not entirely sure what you're asking spendless...ar eyou asking that in years to come i won't rely on my kids? Then the answer is well start as you mean to go on. I certainly will help pay or foot some of the bills for their uni and wedding costs, we certainly intend on working most of our lives and yes i would like to think that when we are in our 70s they keep an eye on us and help us a little if we need it........but this lot have needed help since their 40s which is actually very different- they are able bodied people who can work but chose not to, go on lng holidays and throw good money away on their lazy younger sons, so why should we have to foot the bill for the entire families laziness- I have some medical problems, nothing major but would never use that as an excuse not to work and i suppose where as his mum does the womanly bit of cooking and cleaning so u can excuse her from working (although my mum cooks, cleans and goes out to work!) what on earth was his dad put here for? if we all decided to retire at 40 then who would pay our bills in 15 years, who would support our kids. Life doesnt work like this and i wish they stopped playing victim that they havent got much ands topped scrounging off people who work adn the taxpayer and used those hands of theirs to do some work....if they dont want to fair enough but whats getting to me is their grumbling or hinting at us