Wife has walked out - what are my options.

mrsdee

I am of the female race (and married - first and only time!). Agree with you totally.

I think men get a hard deal in this life. I am aware of a number of women in who think "oh well, I'll get divorced and it'll be fine because I wont have to worry about money (husband and taxpayers pay to keep her and kids), I can "get a new life" (haha), and I wont have to work at my current relationship with husband - just get rid of him. Then they get split up, start sleeping around and then it all goes horribly wrong when the novelty wears off. They realise they are actually pretty lonely and unhappy (which is probably what they were like even when married!). Getting rid of the husband doesnt solve the problems they had themselves before....

Good for you jonboy - I am glad you are honest and open. Let's hope the maintenance thing gets sorted (see my previous post on the other thread!). (I'm a bit new to this so not quite au fait with postings etc!!).

ashmit

jonboy38 wrote:

As an aside, I will say that it is a cop out for some women to say they leave because they don't feel loved. Even during the not so good years, I always brought flowers home, tried to give a hug, a smile, a compliment.

Looking back, the feelings were not returned.

Fair enough, but I want someone who I love and who loves me. I do not expect to be looked after, provided with security. If anything, I am the one that provides security to my husband. I realise that you said 'some women', but just wanted to say!

Would it be a cop out for me to state that many women prefer security to having a nice loving guy - a house, financial security, the children around them rather than love and affection.

not my generation, or any of my friends!

50 - 50 relationships are the only way. It takes effort to make relationships work. Sometimes it is not worth the bother.

Now there I will agree with you totally.

I get the feeling one lady who talked about walking out on her husband feels like it is the sensible thing to do.. however a few months down the line things can be different.

But do you not accept that there's a good chance it WAS the right thing to do? What if she was married to someone who physically or mentally abused her? What if they just don't get on any more? What if they are both much, much happier apart?

I think people in this society marry and divorce far too quickly in many cases, but I think in some cases relationships do break down past the point of any repair.

That guy who was maybe a bit boring or seemed to take you for granted may actually have been working his !!!!!! off for the WHOLE family.. not just for your wardrobe.

You may not have meant it, but that sounded horribly sexist and patronising. I don't give a **** about clothes, and I don't expect my husband to pay for my wardrobe, any more than he expects me to pay for his. Anyway, I'd rather someone came home a bit earlier for quality time with the family than worked all the hours god sends just to keep up with the Joneses. There is at least one poster on this site who has admitted he regrets doing so much overtime when his children were young.

If I've misinterpreted your thoughts, please say!

jonboy38

ashmit and vermilion.
I have read your replies.
I think that we agree on one stance - that we care ! Otherwise we would simply read and not invest our time for captainpugwash.
I agree with many of the sentiments. I think at the end of the day we know a relationship has to be 50-50. If i am to be frank, i believe that many men do not actually understand the 50-50 way of working. I am not hounding men, but i do believe a lot of men do not realise what they are doing.... sometimes it can be too late. So i agree, yes, it sometimes IS the best thing to do for the lady to walk out.
I guess this can be the same for both partners in a marriage.

The bottom line must be to talk !
Sadly I tried and tried.
One other word - RESPECT - once it is lost, then it is a hard thing to get back.
I will neither blame men or women for the loss of respect... but I feel that the menfolk at times just can't see the wood from the trees and blindly go on earning the dosh, but not investing the time.

I love my wife, always did, always will.. but a few years ago the respect went.
Last year it was me who flagged this up.
I suspect in many cases it is the ladies who actually take this course of action.
I had the bravery to do it.

Take care and lets all support each other.
I care about you all.

Jon

jonboy38

A special reply to vermillion. I respect what you said. You are very perceptive.
I respect you and your views.
Respect is the cornerstone of any relationship be it friends, family or forum banter.
Take care
I DO respect you.
jon

jonboy38

A reply to ashmit now...

I only want love and affection. I don't care and have never cared about how good tea is, how well the house looks, etc.
Relationships are very very special to me. I love lots and lots of people. Many of those people can't comprehend the love i invest. I understand people are different.
My idea of utopia is to come home, have a hug, work together on things and sit in bed late at night and be relaxed with each other. I'd much rather look like !!!! but feel i am loved. I talked about 50-50 relationships. I believe that one day/week/month/year a relationship can be slightly one-sided but in the end meeting half way - on average - is the way.
I was made to feel the breadwinner and nothing much else.
I worked hard to get a good job to try to pay for a decent lifestle.
Notice i have not mentioned i went on anti-depressents when my wife racked up major credit card bills. did she care.. no !
I totally understand many women would be offended at my wardrobe jibe.
Sadly, I only know too well about being the breadwinner/bill payer and being ostracised in the family unit.
I hope your realise there are females out there that are not as fair as you.
xxx

ashmit

Thanks jonboy38 for coming back and explaining. I'm sorry your marriage worked out so badly. There are decent women out there, I promise!

margaretclare

jonboy38 wrote:

I only want love and affection. I don't care and have never cared about how good tea is, how well the house looks, etc.

My idea of utopia is to come home, have a hug, work together on things and sit in bed late at night and be relaxed with each other. I'd much rather look like !!!! but feel i am loved. I talked about 50-50 relationships. I believe that one day/week/month/year a relationship can be slightly one-sided but in the end meeting half way - on average - is the way.
I was made to feel the breadwinner and nothing much else.
I worked hard to get a good job to try to pay for a decent lifestle.
Notice i have not mentioned i went on anti-depressents when my wife racked up major credit card bills. did she care.. no !

Sadly, I only know too well about being the breadwinner/bill payer and being ostracised in the family unit.

Jonboy, I agree with you 100%.

The way you describe your marriage was what my husband found in his 2 previous marriages. He was 'made to feel the breadwinner' and not much else.

His seond wife went on spending money when he was going through serial redundancies in the mid-1990s due to the downturn in UK manufacturing industry - his career was in machine-tools, engineering, although he'd had some good jobs as sales executive etc. During the 1980s with his first wife he was coming to terms with Type II diabetes. He says that he was taken completely for granted for his earning capacity and not looked at as a person. Especially the second one, she wasn't able to rein back her spending even when he was unemployed for 2 years.

He too says 'Trust and Respect' are the bedrock of any relationship, 'love is the bonus'. This is what we have now, and we're so, so lucky to have found it so late in life.

Aunty Margaret

Milky_Mocha

margaretclare wrote:

Hi

While sympathising with the shock of your wife's sudden and apparently unexplainable departure, I would caution against a simplistic explanation of 'the menopause'.

Have a look at this site: http://www.lhj.com/lhj/story.jhtml;jsessionid=V2A0GR3LY5N5FQFIBQPSCZQ?storyid=/templatedata/lhj/story/data/MP_Moodswings.xml&catref=cat2360006

... Communication is so vital in any relationship, and it seems that your wife did not feel she could communicate with you.

With best wishes

Aunty Margaret

Firstly I must admit I haven't yet read beyond the first couple of pages of this thread but just wanted to add...

To the original poster, I wish you all the best in your situation and fervently hope it will 'blow over' and possibly make your marriage even stronger at the end of it. I have no words of wisdom as such but as you can see many others on this site do.

When I started to read the quote above, without looking to see who posted it I immediately thought this sounds like Aunty Margaret. There are a couple of people I admire on this site for their reassuring and informative words and Aunty Margaret is one of them. I'm nowhere near old enough to fully understand your situation but clearly she is and you can hopefully relate to her advice (as well as the good advice of many others).

Again, all the best and God bless.

margaretclare

Milky_Mocha wrote:

When I started to read the quote above, without looking to see who posted it I immediately thought this sounds like Aunty Margaret. There are a couple of people I admire on this site for their reassuring and informative words and Aunty Margaret is one of them. I'm nowhere near old enough to fully understand your situation but clearly she is and you can hopefully relate to her advice (as well as the good advice of many others).

What an accolade! Thank you so much!

Well, I am going to be 70 in 3 weeks' time and there is a saying that those who live the longest will see the most. I have done a lotta living and seen a lot. I'm on my second marriage and have learned a lot from my second husband (married him in 2002).

As a former nurse and midwife, and as a graduate in Behavioural Sciences, I know what I'm talking about - about the menopause, that is. It's too easy to throw these convenient folksy explanations about - 'oh, it's the time of life she's going through' etc. No - there have got to be other explanations than that.

With best wishes to all

Aunty Margaret

Ember999

margaretclare wrote:

What an accolade! Thank you so much!

Well, I am going to be 70 in 3 weeks' time and there is a saying that those who live the longest will see the most. I have done a lotta living and seen a lot. I'm on my second marriage and have learned a lot from my second husband (married him in 2002).

As a former nurse and midwife, and as a graduate in Behavioural Sciences, I know what I'm talking about - about the menopause, that is. It's too easy to throw these convenient folksy explanations about - 'oh, it's the time of life she's going through' etc. No - there have got to be other explanations than that.

With best wishes to all

Aunty Margaret

Aunty Margaret,

You seem to be a lady of great wisdom, and this question is related to another thread, but after searching the internet for answers, thought I'd ask you....

Do you happen to know how to care for a 'money tree'? I bought two yesterday and am struggling to find info on how to look after them.
Ember xx