Wife has walked out - what are my options.

capinpugwash

I am 57 and my wife is 51, We have been married 31 years and have 4 children, 30, 21,19 and 17. The 3 youngest live at home. The eldest is married with 1 child.

6 weeks ago my married daughter phoned us up to say she had left her husband, and two days later my wife got out of bed, kissed me goodbye and later that day took her clothes and a few other things and walked out.

She has not spoken to me since and refuses to talk to me at all. She is living in a small flat somewhere.

Thus in two days my world fell apart.

6 months ago I took early retirement and am receiving a private pension of £24000 per annum. MY wife is self employed and only works 12 hours per week, which gives her enough money to pay for her obsession, horses. She is capable of working as many hours as she pleases.

The family assets are the home worth £325000, a stable yard worth £175000 and a small amount of savings.

I have another private money purchase pension of £250000 which I plan to take when aged 60.

I am receiving conflicting advice regarding the home and financial split.

I want to stay in the family home with the children, who are classed as adults but they cannot afford to live in their own homes.

Will I have to leave the home if my wife insists, with all the disruption to the children or have I a case for staying in it , which is the logical option.

We own the house and yard as tennants in common and I believe that my wife thinks that the stable yard will not have to be sold to provide a home or realise its asset value, but the main home will.

I have been told different things by a solicitor and the citizens advice bureau, and am looking for any tips and advice anyone can give me.

My ideal solution is for my wife to come back but at the moment my life is on hold and every day I am expecting divorce papers through the post. Its almost mental cruelty.

What are my financial options or any others.

zodiac

First of all can I say how sorry I am to you, you have everyones support here.

If it was me, I would trust your solicitor and the citizens advice bureau as it is his/her/their job to know divorce law.
As it was your wife that walked out on you I think you have a better case for staying in your home (and looking after the kids?).
As long as you didn't give her probable cause for the split and are reasonable to her ie. willing to listen/talk (you sound like a nice guy so I think you would) I think that the law/ court should find in your favour. It probley is lucky (as lucky is in this case) that your children arn't younger as different 'rules' could apply.

Ember999

Sorry to hear what has happened, try to stay positive :grouphug:

gravitytolls

You know, it's an odd way to behave. Did it come out of the blue, or has she not been herself for a while?

She sounds like she's suffering from depression, and if she could b encouraged to see her GP who could maybe arrange counselling that would be great.

Perhaps you could suggest counselling with a relationship adviser? It's got to be worth a try.

I agree with you, the best scenario is for her to return home. But even if she does, you ned to be sure you get to the botom of this to be sure it doesn't happen again.

Good luck, I so hope you get things back on track, you're all in a dreadful situation.

henhog

Oh dear, that is quite shocking -poor you. Can't offer any financial help but Citizens advice and soliciter will certainly help. But if it's just six weeks perhaps you can start talking - only you know your situation, and maybe it will be permenent (why you consulted solicitors etc,) but if I was in your shoes I would want to know what was / is wrong why she left, and then, if you do want her back, start to talk about the problems that led to this. Maybe, at the ned of the day, you will seperate, but if you don't want to, you need to give it your best shot and talk to her. Good luck.

capinpugwash

Thanks for all your support.

In response to the suggestion about depression I believe the root of the problem may be to do with the menopause.

This is not meant to sound condescending but nature is nature and she has been very touchy of late and would bark at me for the smallest of things, which is out of character.

I am trying to be positive and have written her letters and been as open and honest as I can be. I will fight to save my marriage to the bitter end. I went to get advice purely to understand my position, and so as not to do anything to annoy her,i.e not get mad, not try to get even, but I have to be realistic as well and need to think of the family and myself.

It sounds from the responses that the stable yard could be used to buy her a house if push came to shove and thus she could be housed adequately. However her obsession with her horses and remarks the children have made to me suggest she has not considered the consequences of a divorce, ie the yard would be sold to pay for a house.

The rest of the assets would presumably be split.

First priority though is to get her to talk, and I have asked in a letter that until her emotions come off the roller coaster and she is on level ground, could she please not take any action leading to a divorce.

I have also asked that we go to Relate but the children tell me that she is not prepared to talk about the situation.

Forgive me for unloading through the forum but there is a lot of experience and expertise out there which could save the day.

zodiac

capinpugwash wrote:

Forgive me for unloading through the forum but there is a l;ot of experience and expertise out there which could save the day.

Anytime dude. Thats what we're here for; to listen and offer advice.

margaretclare

Hi

While sympathising with the shock of your wife's sudden and apparently unexplainable departure, I would caution against a simplistic explanation of 'the menopause'.

Have a look at this site: http://www.lhj.com/lhj/story.jhtml;jsessionid=V2A0GR3LY5N5FQFIBQPSCZQ?storyid=/templatedata/lhj/story/data/MP_Moodswings.xml&catref=cat2360006

You'll see that mood swings are reported in 10% of women - what happens in the other 90%? Also that depression is not a symptom of menopause.

It's amazing how many people find that they live together over several years, think everything is fine and hunky-dory, but the other partner is thinking something quite different - everything is NOT fine and hunky-dory! I've seen over many years, that suddenly one or other half of a marriage walks out, often with little explanation, and that this can happen with either husband or wife. Historically it was the man who more commonly did this, often to go to a younger partner, but of recent years we are seeing women doing this to an increasing extent.

Coincidental with the menopause as a stage in a woman's life are many other factors - the feeling of loss of attractiveness, the feeling that time is passing and if she wants to do something different then she'd better do it now otherwise it might be too late. Maybe the husband is thinking of a comfortable retirement with everything as it has always been, his wife there, his home, his meals on the table etc and the wife is growing more and more dissatisfied, thinking there has gotta be more to life than this, other horizons, things I haven't seen yet, I'm not ready to sink into comfortable domesticity with nothing on the horizon but grandchildren, which in effect means living life vicariously through other people, decendants, nothing for me to achieve for myself. I am only 'thinking aloud' you understand, and this may not help you (probably won't!) and at present you're still in a state of shock from this event coming totally out of the blue. As I said, I've known women who had the same kind of shock imposed on them from a husband who did a similar thing but whose only explanation was that he 'wanted more out of life'!

Women historically have wanted the security and stability of a marriage with all the trappings - a comfortable home, a male provider...but we are seeing women now who will chuck all that away in favour of whatever lies at the end of the rainbow.

I thought of this just a few weeks ago. At church our minister said 'Has anyone had any good news this week - if so stand up and tell us about it'. And I stood up and said 'I've just passed the national exam in Numeracy at Level 2 and that qualifies me to get involved in the Adult Literacy programme as a trainee learning assistant'. Other people got up and said their son had a new job, they'd just had a new grandchild etc. And I thought - how few people of my age-group (I'm soon to be 70) actually achieve anything for themselves, mostly it is son's new job, birth of grandchild, nothing that they themselves have achieved from effort.

You said your wife is 'obsessed with horses'. 'Obsessed' is an odd word to use - it means her concern about horses excludes every other consideration, personal comfort, other people, anything else at all? Is that really the case? We may all be a bit obsessive about certain things - I know people who are obsessed about their dogs and cats, I'm quite obsessive about the environment. But really obsessed means she thinks about nothing else. Like an addict of some kind, who can't think of anything but their next fix.

I would hold off doing anything at all, don't initiate divorce, continue to leave the lines of communication open. I think that's the best you can do at present! But I would warn against a simplistic explanation of 'it's the menopause'. All the menopause means is end of possibility of further reproduction signalled by end of menstruation, in many women that's all that happens. What seems obvious is that your wife has been dissatisfied with her life as it was, and one day she woke up and decided she wanted something different. You don't know why, and I sympathise. This has happened to other people of both sexes that I've known. Communication is so vital in any relationship, and it seems that your wife did not feel she could communicate with you.

With best wishes

Aunty Margaret

Jay-Jay_4

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mah_jong

Hi

Your post and replies have brought a lump to my throat.

I hope your wife is able to talk to you soon so that you can both understand what is ahead, wether together or apart.

Just a few thoughts form a woman of approx the same age..... nothing may be relevant but worth saying if only for this reason!! From the above, I see she has been married since twenty and mother that time too. Has she ever been her 'own woman'??
Perhpas her life (as she see it) has been so and so's daughter...captainpugwash's wife and w,x,y,z's mother. And though your lifestyle sounds wonderful perhaps thereis a part of her that wants go to drop out and be a hippy, go backpacking around the Australian outback or whatever. As Aunty Margaret says there is a lot going through the mind of a 50+ year old...Years ago it would have been called the empty nest syndrome but now the fledglings stay put, but there's still the feeling of life passing through your fingers. I doubt it is a spur of the moment decision...but could it have been spurred on by your daughter leaving her spouse. She needs space to think at the moment, its possible she doesnt even know what she wants.

You say you will fight for your marriage...WHY? Do you love her? When did you last tell her that.

Ma

capinpugwash

Thanks for your comments mah-jong, they are much appreciated.

Re your last sentance, I tell her I love her at least once a week and I am telling her frequently that I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world, which I truly believe she is.

We are both "young" for our age and have always told our children how strong we are as a couple.

We have always trusted each other without question and I have never looked for any form of satisfaction outside the marriage and I dont believe she has either.

When we were talking to my daughter about her marriage both my wife and myself told her how solid we were.

Unfortunately my wife is the type of person who clams up rather than talks through problems, and there may well have been long term issues I am not aware of.

I am fighting because I love her and want her back. Giving up is not an option for me.