Wife has walked out - what are my options.

Midas

Good luck capinpugwash, I hope that you get her back.

Ember999

mah_jong wrote:

Hi

Your post and replies have brought a lump to my throat.

I hope your wife is able to talk to you soon so that you can both understand what is ahead, wether together or apart.

Just a few thoughts form a woman of approx the same age..... nothing may be relevant but worth saying if only for this reason!! From the above, I see she has been married since twenty and mother that time too. Has she ever been her 'own woman'??
Perhpas her life (as she see it) has been so and so's daughter...captainpugwash's wife and w,x,y,z's mother. And though your lifestyle sounds wonderful perhaps thereis a part of her that wants go to drop out and be a hippy, go backpacking around the Australian outback or whatever. As Aunty Margaret says there is a lot going through the mind of a 50+ year old...Years ago it would have been called the empty nest syndrome but now the fledglings stay put, but there's still the feeling of life passing through your fingers. I doubt it is a spur of the moment decision...but could it have been spurred on by your daughter leaving her spouse. She needs space to think at the moment, its possible she doesnt even know what she wants.

You say you will fight for your marriage...WHY? Do you love her? When did you last tell her that.

Ma

I was talking to an elderly lady few weeks ago and she suffered from this very thing. She was telling me over a cuppa (got chatting in a cafe) that she had recently divorced. I asked her age as she was so old! She said she was 67! and had been plotting her escape for over 20 years. 20 years ago she decided she wanted to leave her husband as she wasn't happy with him (won't go into personal reasons, she was quite blunt and very nasty about him, but there again, he did sound awful!) but she couldn't afford to leave! She had never worked, depended on him for her income and had no where to go. Like most women of that generation, she was not independant in any way. Then 20 years later she realised she was sitting on a fortune! Yes, you guessed it, her house! The property boom has earned lots of elderly people a fortune in equity. Many paid only a couple of thousand for properties they now own that are worth £300,000 + etc....see where she got her idea from?
She saw a solicitor, got divorce under way, forced sale of the house and she got in her stickies almost £200,000+ from her share of equity in their house and half of their joint savings!

She said to me quote: "I ended up quite wealthy! he ended up having to remortgage the house to buy me out and lost half his savings".

She ended up buying a small granny flat in a seaside resort, investing the rest of the money to provide a modest income and she is now free of the husband she hated and had to stay with for 40 years (20 of which she wanted a divorce for) purely due to not being able to afford to leave.

In my opinon, the reason a lot of women of a certain age are upping and leaving is because with the property boom and the amount of money sitting there in equity, they can afford to whereas in the past they couldn't.

Not saying your wife has done this, but owning so much house and land does make it easy for a woman of this age who only works 12 hours a week and probably earns very little to 'escape' if she wants to.

If I was you, I'd try to talk to her and sort out the reasons why she left. The last poster gave fantastic advice. When did you last tell her you love her? So many men stop paying a woman attention when you have been married to them a while. They expect you to want sex at the drop of a hat without any of the compliments, attention or affection you used to get when you first met them, married them etc. Men can often be accused of neglect in this way (not all I am sure, before all the guys jump on me here!) and to a woman, these little things matter. My husband tells me about 15 times a day how much he loves me, thinks I am gorgeous etc.. (even when I know I look like !!!! because I have had a bad day!) and we are still married almost 18 years. Would I still be married to him if I didn't get attention? Who knows...all I can say is I am aware my cat would leave home if it didn't get love, cuddles, food, enthusiastic chatting, and all the rest of the jazz I give it, just like I probably would in similar circumstances....

However it goes, I hope it all works out for you and if it ends up that she doesn't come back...you are probably better off without her anyway :grouphug:

MyUserNamesTaken

capinpugwash, you have the right to refuse the divorce. If you do this, she will have to wait 5 years before getting a divorce from you. You can also request mediation.

Ember999

MyUserNamesTaken wrote:

capinpugwash, you have the right to refuse the divorce. If you do this, she will have to wait 5 years before getting a divorce from you. You can also request mediation.

Yes, that is so true, everyone has the right to refuse a divorce and the person wanting it has to wait 5 years. If I was you, and taking into account the way she has desserted you and broken you heart, I think this would be a good idea. Also, it gives her 5 years to wake up, smell the coffee and realise that the grass isn't always greener...because it isn't and it sometimes takes people a while to realise this. If you are understanding, show her care and concern, don't argue with her, she may well, during this 5 year period, fall back in love with you, even if at the moment she doesn't think she does love you. It must be very hard to walk away from someone you have spent so much of your life with.

jazzyjustlaw

Don't take offence but I think you should get legal advice fair enough but give your wife some space. Just leave her be for a week or so no text no calls.

Plus why does everyone think that there is something wrong with her or its the menopause. Maybe she just wants something different. Try and see things from her point of view its her life let her live it even if its without you. You may not feel like it but try looking at this optimistically you could have a nice life too. I do feel sorry for you I really do but sympathy won't help you in the long term. I trust Solicitors over CAB by the way but then I am biased.




My views are just that and do not constitute any legal advice.

Bossyboots

MyUserNamesTaken wrote:

capinpugwash, you have the right to refuse the divorce. If you do this, she will have to wait 5 years before getting a divorce from you. You can also request mediation.

That is not strictly true. The only ground for divorce is the irrevocable breakdown of the marriage. There are five ways this can be evidenced. It is a petition based on two years separation that needs the husband's consent, without it, the next opportunity is five years separation. If the wife has "issues", these can be carefully constructed to form the basis of a divorce petition based on the husband's behaviour. The OP may not think he has behaved in a way that merits divorce proceedings. His wife may have a different view although if she does not talk about it, she has to take some of the responsibility. While it is possible to defend a divorce brought on this basis, it would be expensive to do so using a solicitor and in reality the Court is unlikely to refuse to grant the petition. What seems reasonable for one person to live with is not necessarily reasonable for another and the only real defence is to try to prove that the events complained about did not happen.

I drew up my friend's divorce petition based on her husband's behaviour which was frankly so wishy washy I am amazed the Court granted it. He was the one to leave but was prepared to pay for the divorce and allow her to bring the proceedings provided she did it quickly. He agreed not to object to anything she put in the petition so as to not bring attention to the fact that it was rather weak. She was divorced in 14 weeks from signing the petition to decree absolute. One of the things listed that she found intolerable to live with was the fact that he would never wash his cup after drinking a cup of tea!

margaretclare

I was a bit amused by Ember's post - she tells the story of an elderly lady of 67 who was recently divorced although 'so old'! Well, what does that make me, coming up to 70 next month. I don't think of myself as old, I don't feel old, I don't dress or talk like 'old'. I've still got things on the horizon, am only 3 1/2 years into a second happy marriage...

I don't blame that lady at all, although it's a pity that she had to waste 20 years of her life with a husband she hated. Life is for living, it's not a rehearsal, and there are no medals for being a martyr. It applies to men too of course. I know of a man who's been married over 40 years and his wife is violent, hits him and treats him badly in all kinds of ways.

I asked my second husband what an older man hopes and expects for in a marriage. 'Love and affection' was his prompt response. He also said 'Trust and Respect' are the bedrock of any relationship. Like Ember's cat, everyone needs love, cuddles, little surprise treats now and again, to have one's efforts appreciated even if it's only bringing a cup of tea to bed in the mornings.

I recall at my younger daughter's wedding, the vicar said in his sermon 'you must tell each other you love each other EVERY DAY'. That means every day, as God sends a day. Not once a week!

I agree that we may think the grass is greener somewhere else, but then, it may not be. One thing which I think we're finding now, is that there are so many more opportunities to go places, do things, than ever there were in our youth, especially for someone who married very young, at 20. Yesterday I spoke to my brother's partner, I know that my nephew is a med student at UCH and I wondered if he'd been caught up in events in London. Not a chance - as he's only first year he still gets the long vac, and he's train-hopping around the Balkans, would you believe! My youngest granddaughter is doing things that I would have loved to do at her age if it had been possible - too late I'm afraid. But suppose you are relatively young and active, only 50, which is no age nowadays, and you've been married for the last 30 years, brought up children to adulthood, and now you start to think 'what's out there for me?' I don't think the menopause as such has got anything to do with it. Your wife may also be one of those practical people who doesn't think in depth, doesn't analyse, and in that case it would be difficult for her to explain.

Not giving you much useful help or advice I'm afraid - Relate could help but only if you go together.

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

Ember999

margaretclare wrote:

I was a bit amused by Ember's post - she tells the story of an elderly lady of 67 who was recently divorced although 'so old'! Well, what does that make me, coming up to 70 next month. I don't think of myself as old, I don't feel old, I don't dress or talk like 'old'. I've still got things on the horizon, am only 3 1/2 years into a second happy marriage...

I don't blame that lady at all, although it's a pity that she had to waste 20 years of her life with a husband she hated. Life is for living, it's not a rehearsal, and there are no medals for being a martyr. It applies to men too of course. I know of a man who's been married over 40 years and his wife is violent, hits him and treats him badly in all kinds of ways.

I asked my second husband what an older man hopes and expects for in a marriage. 'Love and affection' was his prompt response. He also said 'Trust and Respect' are the bedrock of any relationship. Like Ember's cat, everyone needs love, cuddles, little surprise treats now and again, to have one's efforts appreciated even if it's only bringing a cup of tea to bed in the mornings.

I recall at my younger daughter's wedding, the vicar said in his sermon 'you must tell each other you love each other EVERY DAY'. That means every day, as God sends a day. Not once a week!

I agree that we may think the grass is greener somewhere else, but then, it may not be. One thing which I think we're finding now, is that there are so many more opportunities to go places, do things, than ever there were in our youth, especially for someone who married very young, at 20. Yesterday I spoke to my brother's partner, I know that my nephew is a med student at UCH and I wondered if he'd been caught up in events in London. Not a chance - as he's only first year he still gets the long vac, and he's train-hopping around the Balkans, would you believe! My youngest granddaughter is doing things that I would have loved to do at her age if it had been possible - too late I'm afraid. But suppose you are relatively young and active, only 50, which is no age nowadays, and you've been married for the last 30 years, brought up children to adulthood, and now you start to think 'what's out there for me?' I don't think the menopause as such has got anything to do with it. Your wife may also be one of those practical people who doesn't think in depth, doesn't analyse, and in that case it would be difficult for her to explain.

Not giving you much useful help or advice I'm afraid - Relate could help but only if you go together.

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

Age is immaterial in my opinion. You get some people in their 40's who appear like 20 year olds and others in their 30's that are like 50 year olds. The reason this lady seemed so 'old' to me was her general demeaner. She seemed 'brow-beaten' if you can understand what I am trying to portray. She had aged badly probably through being unhappy and bitter for so long and probably poor diet.

I can well imagine you seem nothing like your almost 70 years. You are active and fun and do not let age stop you or slow you down. Admirable!

You are as old as you feel, not as old as a piece of paper says you are. We would all do well to remember that and enjoy every day for what it is as let's face it, we never know when we are going to go do we? I thought I had lost my brother in the London bombings. I am fortunate that I didn't. I won't let another day go by that I don't appreciate being alive and my family well and safe.

Vermilion

Capinpugwash, maybe hearing the opinion of a woman of 50 who is about to do exactly the same thing to her husband might help you to understand why this may have happened. The specific reasons for doing this will, of course be very different, but the underlying core problem may be comparable.

Firstly, I am sorry but I do not believe that any woman walks away from a marriage of 31 years, a home and three children still in the nest without having given very many signs that all was not well. However, I do believe that like many men in similar situations you may have intentionally or unintentionally failed to see them.

You have been married for 31 years. You sound as if you have achieved a great deal during your working life. You have succeeded in providing very well for your family and have been able to retire early and continue to provide. I presume that being a provider in this way has occupied a great deal of your time during your marriage.

I also presume your wife has run your home and brought up your children during your marriage? Yet you refer to your wife working “only” 12 hours each week to fund her “obsession” horses. No sir, she is paid for “only” 12 hours of her working week. You make no mention of your wife’s skills as a home maker or mother. Did these things seem of little value to you? Are the activities, to which your wife has dedicated her adult life, not something you have noticed particularly? Have you expected praise for your achievements while belittling hers? You do not have to have beeen openly critical, not noticing or realising the contribution your wife made to your life is actually worse, if you did that you gave her no opportunity to remonstrate with you.

You retire and 6 months later your wife leaves you. Huge changes in both her and your routines. Have you considered the impact your retirement had on your wife as well as on you? Have you expected her to “be around” because you were at home? You sound a little critical of her interest in horses; perhaps she preferred spending time with them than with you and you have realised that? Did you ask yourself why? Or did you write it off as “her obsession”.

Capinpugwash. there is a difference between wanting to save your marriage and wanting to preserve the status quo. It very much sounds to me as if you want to do the latter and your wife is waiting to see if you are capable of making the massive leap of faith necessary to do the former.

What your wife has done is communicate with you in perhaps the only language she thinks you can still hear. She obviously does not see any point in trying to explain her concerns verbally. Why is that? Has she been trying to for some time and you have not listened?

You are a man of my generation. I suspect you have had a good degree of authority in your business life. Were you able to let go of that once you closed the door of your home behind you? Have you applied logic to your wife’s unhappiness and dissatisfaction with her life perhaps? Reconciled it in your own head without discussing it properly with her? That may seem harsh, but it is so very easy to do and so incredibly hard to live with.

I hope that both you and your wife are able to resolve your differences.

Bossyboots

Vermillion that is an eloquent post. I hope the OP can draw from it and maybe identify with some of the points you have made.

Having set it all out so beautifully here, are you not able to discuss with your husband how you feel and what is driving you to leave. It would be a shame if you have helped on here, but not been able to save your own relationship.