Wife has walked out - what are my options.

capinpugwash

Thanks everyone for the opinions, suggestions and advice.

There is a lot for me to think about over the coming hours, days, weeks etc and I will digest everything so far.

Obviously there is a lot more to the "story" than I have revealed in the posts, but originally I was only anticipating a discussion on the financial aspects.

Valiant 23 and bluep, and Jay-Jay you have private messages in response to your views, for which I thank you..

I will continue the fight to win her back.

Vermilion

I sincerely hope everything works out well for both you and your wife capinpugwash.

You have been very, very brave. If you feel able to please keep in touch with us.

ashmit

Just two quick thoughts - most people on here seem very happy with the use of the phrase 'get her back'. The lady in question is not a prize to be won, or a possession. If I was the OP's wife, I would be very hurt to find out I was being discussed as such, and I think that such phraseology is indicative of a certain viewpoint that the wife is a trophy or similar, not a person in her own right.

And secondly, the fact she is refusing to talk to you sounds to me like she is scared of being out-manouvered - that if she talks to you, she will find herself talked into getting back together without actually being happy with the idea. I would be very wary of any suggestion of trying to communicate with her 'through the children' (not that it's been suggested much in this thread) in case she starts to feel ganged up on and cornered. Letters may be the way to go, but don't overwhelm her.

And finally (Three things!), I would try and accept the fact that she may not come back. Although you obviously miss her dreadfully, she may feel free for the first time in years and not be willing to come back. Counterintuitively, I would suspect that if you accept that you may not be able to make it work, she may be far more inclined to come back to you, because you are accepting her as an individual and not just 'your wife'.

It says a lot about you that you are still posting.... if I was in your shoes I would have slunk away by now. I hope you and your wife can both end up happy in life, together or not.

valiant23

ashmit,

re:'get her back'.

What is the love of a good woman if not a prize to be won, or the friendship of a good person for that matter?
I understand your point, and don't want a fight over this, but I would suggest 'get her back' is a paraphrase for all of the components of a happy relationship, and stops the OP waxing lyrical about her wonderful attributes, and keeping to he reason for his thread. Apart from that, I couldn't agree with you more.
:T

ashmit

valiant23, I will agree to disagree in an attempt to not get into further deviations from capinpugwash's problems I kind of know what you mean, but still think it's indicative of a certain kind of thinking.

Is it just me who's noticed that everyone on this thread being particularly polite and mature without ever descending into name-calling or fights? It could easily have degenerated into rudeness, particularly as some people have really called capinpugwash on his real motivations and made him consider how his relationship has been for the past 30 years without him maybe noticing, but I think there has really been genuine concern for him and his wife, even though you've all really been making him consider his motivations and past behaviour. I think it's really great.

I really do love this forum. If I could, I'd give you all gold stars and take you out for a drink

And after saying I'd try not to deviate, I'll return this thread to capinpugwash!

Bossyboots

ashmit wrote:

valiant23, I will agree to disagree in an attempt to not get into further deviations from capinpugwash's problems I kind of know what you mean, but still think it's indicative of a certain kind of thinking.

Is it just me who's noticed that everyone on this thread being particularly polite and mature without ever descending into name-calling or fights? It could easily have degenerated into rudeness, particularly as some people have really called capinpugwash on his real motivations and made him consider how his relationship has been for the past 30 years without him maybe noticing, but I think there has really been genuine concern for him and his wife, even though you've all really been making him consider his motivations and past behaviour. I think it's really great.

I really do love this forum. If I could, I'd give you all gold stars and take you out for a drink

And after saying I'd try not to deviate, I'll return this thread to capinpugwash!

I think one of the reasons this thread has stayed as it is, is down to capinpugwash himself. He could easily have denied everything said and gone on the defensive. The fact he has not done so and is trying to take things on board is to his credit and makes me, for one, want to try and help him more.

RacyRed

Bossyboots wrote:

I think one of the reasons this thread has stayed as it is, is down to capinpugwash himself. He could easily have denied everything said and gone on the defensive. The fact he has not done so and is trying to take things on board is to his credit and makes me, for one, want to try and help him more.

My sentiments exactly Bossyboots.

capinpugwash

Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate them.

I have long held the view that if you only listen to what you want to hear from people who tell you what you want to hear you may as well talk to yourself.

Also you will never get to understand the true position.

If one is going to grow and learn one must hear both sides of a story, alternative views (even if they are unpleasant) and be prepared to change.

Going defensive achieves nothing.

That is not to say I am insensitive, because I am in fact a very sensitive individual, and some of the comments have really hurt.

But they have made me think.

I am now concentrating my efforts on ways to approach the problem of getting her to start talking and hopefully, if appropriate, attending counselling together or separately.

You have already made several suggestions on this front and if there are others I will put them in "the thinking pot".

Capinpugwash

ashmit

That was it! You just reminded me... I was going to suggest that Relate will see people separately - even if your wife does not want to attend*, you could still go. Just after my now-husband and I got engaged, we started arguing a lot and came close to splitting up. We went to Relate together and are now happily married, so we would recommend them hands down. Even if the worst case scenario happens and you end up divorcing, they will hopefully be able to help you get onto more amicable terms.

*or she may already be attending without you....

Glad to hear that some of the comments here have helped you. Moral support always here if you need it. Good luck for the future.

jonboy38

Hi Captainpugwash.
One thing screams out at me, having read some of the unbiased and very biased comments on the posts. You need councilling. Go without her, if you haven't already done so.

I totally agree about listening to folk that tell you what they think you want to hear. I prefer honesty, however brutal. Honesty gets things out in the open and lets couples splitting up to move on. This may mean a reconcilliation or agreement on time with the kids or totally going your own ways, whatever.
As an aside, I will say that it is a cop out for some women to say they leave because they don't feel loved. Even during the not so good years, I always brought flowers home, tried to give a hug, a smile, a compliment.
Looking back, the feelings were not returned.
Would it be a cop out for me to state that many women prefer security to having a nice loving guy - a house, financial security, the children around them rather than love and affection. I'm afraid the reality is that you can be as loving as anything and appear to get on well.. but what lies beneath can be different. Once the surface is scratched, you get a nasty surprise. 50 - 50 relationships are the only way. It takes effort to make relationships work. Sometimes it is not worth the bother.

I get the feeling one lady who talked about walking out on her husband feels like it is the sensible thing to do.. however a few months down the line things can be different.
That guy who was maybe a bit boring or seemed to take you for granted may actually have been working his !!!!!! off for the WHOLE family.. not just for your wardrobe.
Ouch !

Take care