Wife has walked out - what are my options.

elona

Does anyone else of this generation feel that they are treated as a sub standard housekeeper?- not as a person but as a household utility rather like a hoover but making less noise.

Vermilion

Bossyboots wrote:

Vermillion that is an eloquent post. I hope the OP can draw from it and maybe identify with some of the points you have made.

Having set it all out so beautifully here, are you not able to discuss with your husband how you feel and what is driving you to leave. It would be a shame if you have helped on here, but not been able to save your own relationship.

Thank you bossyboots, but no. My husband has had plenty of opportunity to take his head out of the sand but prefers not to. I cannot make him

However, if my experiences can help someone else, that helps me too.

Bossyboots

elona wrote:

Does anyone else of this generation feel that they are treated as a sub standard housekeeper?- not as a person but as a household utility rather like a hoover but making less noise.

Not sure my family would agree I make less noise than a hoover.

I am a fraction younger than the OP and others but I think I class as that generation. Certainly my OH is in the same age range.

While my OH can drive me made, he will do a turn with the housework although he has never cleaned the toilet. We have had the odd occasion when chauvinism has raised its head but it soon got slapped down.

Where my issues arise are with the next generation up. The females in that bracket were all raised to look after their man. My husband's grandad would not even spread jam on his own bread because he had four women in the house to do it for him. They therefore have difficulty with the expectations of us wives who have married in that their sons should share the load. This care of the males spreads even further down as on one occasion I was at MIL with OH, MIL, MIL's sister and her husband. It started to spit with rain and I made a comment about having left my washing out. Auntie then proclaimed that she was sure my daughter would bring it in, I couldn't "expect the boy to do it". I have to work to stop them indoctrinating that thinking into my son as that is not the way he is being raised. It also really winds my daughter up that if we are at MIL's she will expect her to get up and take the cups out for example but never expect my son to.

This attitude did cause a lot of problems early in my marriage and I had to battle to assert my authority and establish my place as my OH's wife and therefore his main priority. A few years ago the last of the offspring married and the new wife had exactly the same problems. I was at least able to support her through that and reassure her that we had all gone through it and give her some tips for establishing herself.

Bossyboots

Vermilion wrote:

Thank you bossyboots, but no. My husband has had plenty of opportunity to take his head out of the sand but prefers not to. I cannot make him

However, if my experiences can help someone else, that helps me too.

Thats very sad. Thank you for sharing with us though.

Savvy_Sue

Bossyboots wrote:

Not sure my family would agree I make less noise than a hoover.

I certainly make more noise than the hoover, and a lot more often too! Elona, one way to stop being a substandard housekeeper is to just stop doing the housekeeping and see if anyone cares ... which seems to work for me

capinpugwash

Thanks again for all the different views, I am finding it all useful.

Vermillion makes some very valid points that I take on board although I will pick up on one of them.

My wifes contribution to the marriage while the children were growing up and I was working is well understood and accepted.

The point I was making about only working 12 hours per week was to suggest that now the children are grown up and able to look after themselves, she can spend more time on her horses, an activity I fully supported while an interest. It has, though become an obsession, a term I use with thought.

With me being retired the only way for her to continue to have 3 horses was to work a few hours each week to help pay for their upkeep.

I was trying to say in the original post that if we divorced would the fact that my wife was able to work more hours should she need to, in order to support herself, be taken into consideration in any financial settlement.

I think that the forum has homed in on the core problem, a conflict between my wifes interest in horses and the time spent with them, and the fact that with more time on my hands I feel more time should be spent with the family and myself.

I will need to think more about this and see what changes I need to make to address this.

When I started the post I never dreamed I would receive so many views and I have found this to be invaluable.

Thanks everyone and please keep them coming.

Bossyboots

Its good that you are taking on board what has been said.

In relation to what you have raised about the working hours, it would be taken into account. Earnings potential is a consideration in the financial element of a divorce settlement.

Could you not help with the horses? You would need to be very careful how you enter "her territory" but a gradual swing to the middle by both of you seems to be what is needed here.

margaretclare

Bossyboots wrote:

Where my issues arise are with the next generation up. The females in that bracket were all raised to look after their man. My husband's grandad would not even spread jam on his own bread because he had four women in the house to do it for him. They therefore have difficulty with the expectations of us wives who have married in that their sons should share the load. This care of the males spreads even further down as on one occasion I was at MIL with OH, MIL, MIL's sister and her husband. It started to spit with rain and I made a comment about having left my washing out. Auntie then proclaimed that she was sure my daughter would bring it in, I couldn't "expect the boy to do it". I have to work to stop them indoctrinating that thinking into my son as that is not the way he is being raised. It also really winds my daughter up that if we are at MIL's she will expect her to get up and take the cups out for example but never expect my son to.

This attitude did cause a lot of problems early in my marriage and I had to battle to assert my authority and establish my place as my OH's wife and therefore his main priority. A few years ago the last of the offspring married and the new wife had exactly the same problems. I was at least able to support her through that and reassure her that we had all gone through it and give her some tips for establishing herself.

Ah yes, and the generation Bossyboots has issues with is my generation, who in turn were socialised into it by their mothers, and grandmothers...right back to Jane Austen's day and beyond.

Read 'The Feminine Mystique' by Betty Friedan, written in the 1950s but still worth reading.

I grew up as an illegitimate child with only my grandad around as a significant male figure in my young life, and he died when I was 12. I never knew my illegitimate father, and I think nowadays that I did well enough not to know him. I was lucky! I was also lucky in that the man I married did not have that attitude of expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I had a lot of issues with him, but that wasn't one of them. Getting in the washing if it comes on to rain, changing a baby's nappy when she needs changing, a bit of housework, those were never the issues, and I respected him because often he would get teased by other guys around. I knew a bloke who would drop the papers on the floor when he'd read them and this was when his wife was suffering badly with back strain and it was painful for her to bend down. 'Pat - Sarah needs her nappy changing....' was the plaintive cry, I can hear him now.

So not all of us in my generation absorbed those ideas and chose to pass them on to the next generation, many of us did read Betty Friedan, many like me were in the Women's Movement of the late 1960s/1970s, some like me went to university in our 40s. I resisted those ideas at the time as strongly as Bossyboots resists them now!

Aunty Margaret

Bossyboots

The thing is Aunty Margaret when you post on here it is hard to believe you are the age you state and therefore from that generation.

I feel quite sad that you were able to resist the indocrination of the day yet my OH's family weren't able to. His auntie's husband in in fact a lovely man who would nevere expect someone else to put jam on his bread. My FIL however was the epitomy of his generation and by the time he died we were barely speaking because I could not abide the way he treated my MIL and I used to get really cross with her for taking it. She had gone from being subservient to her father to being the same with her husband and then expecting me to be the same with her precious son. Not a hope! What I have found very interesting is that my OH and his cousins from this side of the family have all married independent people with strong personalities. Us four "incomers" are all very similar but with an indepdence not encouraged by our partners' birth family.

We seem to have hijacked the OP's thread a bit here but maybe some of our comments will help him.

valiant23

Capinpugwash, first of all, I hope you both rediscover happiness, and if possible I'd like to 'put my nose' in, although I fear my observations may be viewed as being harsh, they did stick out to me.

capinpugwash wrote:

...

6 weeks ago my married daughter phoned us up to say she had left her husband, and two days later my wife got out of bed, kissed me goodbye and later that day took her clothes and a few other things and walked out....

My initial impression of these actions suggests to me that (maybe) your wife has considered leaving you in the past, and for her own reasons decided against it, but when your daughter left her husband, it made your wife reconsider the choices she had made in the past.

capinpugwash wrote:

....
6 months ago I took early retirement and am receiving a private pension of £24000 per annum. MY wife is self employed and only works 12 hours per week, which gives her enough money to pay for her obsession, horses. She is capable of working as many hours as she pleases.

The family assets are the home worth £325000, a stable yard worth £175000 and a small amount of savings.

I have another private money purchase pension of £250000 which I plan to take when aged 60.

...

This section gives me cause for concern, due in part to the terminology used.

Why have you retired, yet your wife has to work to pay for her interest?

This suggests a contradiction between that and "My wifes contribution to the marriage while the children were growing up and I was working is well understood and accepted.". Were I in your position, I would offer the funds to support your wifes' interest, if only to free up 12 hrs of her time. I don't understand why you can retire but "She is capable of working as many hours as she pleases."

One last thing on the finacial side regarding your other private pension. Was the decision to hold it until you are 60 a joint decision, or yours solely? Did you both have discussions about your future, or did you talk alot about your plans and took her silence as agreement?

capinpugwash wrote:

I think that the forum has homed in on the core problem, a conflict between my wifes interest in horses and the time spent with them, and the fact that with more time on my hands I feel more time should be spent with the family and myself.

I get the impression that there has been some bitterness on your part regarding your wife and her horses, and if you haven't stopped reading this yet, I like to put one more thing to you.

Whilst you had your career, your wife had the home and family. That I understand. Did the horses become more important as the children grew up? If I may assume they did, then obviously they came to replace the children as a way of giving your wifes life a focus. However, is it unreasonable to expect your wife to stop loving her horses, just because you are there?

CapinPugwash, I realise that my criticism in this post is directed at you, but only because you have said very little regarding your wife negatively, which I admire and applaud. I only hope to give your situation a different perspective.

For the record, my wife and I have been together 16 years. We talk a lot, argue a lot, and love a lot. My favourite pastime is spending time in her company. Her favourite pastime is spending money in my company;) . I have not had any money of my own for 16yrs, but then neither has Mrs.V. I am obsessed with football, and always have been, and so my wife decided to join me in my 'madness'. For that I am truly grateful, and give my time and attention to her willingly.

As I said before, I hope you both find happiness. I hope it can be found together.
GOOD LUCK!