Ex removing his wages.

MattMattMattUK

Cryingemoji said:

Thank you both.  I'm trying to take everything on board.  I appreciate it so much.

I've seen that I can request an hour's financial advice with the bank, would something like that be advisable do you think? 

I would suspect you will get far better guidance on here and the DFW board than with your bank which will likely be generic and far less detailed.

Take the free hour with a divorce solicitor though!

Cherryfudge

Thanks @MattMattMattUK, our Internet went off so I couldn't sort out the SOA link.

@Cryingemoji, get as much info as possible together before you visit anyone, so you can make the best use of the time. Write things down unless you have a fantastic memory, as you might want to find out more later (you can ask on here) but it's hard to remember what was said when you are going through a stressful time.

Now bear in mind that I don't know you and have no idea where your strengths lie (though I can see you seem to be the one thinking things through at home), but have you also looked at the Old Style board? There are lots of ideas for spending less on there, particularly with regard to food. 

At the moment you have lots to think about and if that were me, my head would be spinning, so take things one item at a time and make notes to help you keep track.

elsien

Cryingemoji said:

MattMattMattUK said:

Cryingemoji said:

Cherryfudge said:

I still think you need to open your own bank account and at least get the child benefit into that. Cancel any unnecessary direct debits and standing orders too, if there are any. If he wants to continue with those, they can come out of his new account.

You may be able to get a small income stream from things like online surveys, if you have the headspace for a few of those. It all helps and that's your money to pay into your account. If the joint account is a premium one where you pay to have it, could you change it to the basic version where there are no costs? And is the overdraft staying within its limits?

Reading between the lines, he wants control of the money but isn't handling it responsibly. If he can afford to send you whatever the sum is of what he's offered you, then why are you relying on the overdraft? Somewhere, something's gone astray, between you there's been spending above income, so how come he can suddenly fund £1000 a month? If that would cover his outgoings, he should be repaying what he owes. It's very suspicious that he wants you to take that on, and you need to avoid that. It feels to me as though he's held the purse strings which has given him control of you. I could be wrong but I think he's jumping ship before it gets to the point the bank gets unhappy, and you've no guarantee he would pay you what he says he would.

I don't sense any surprise from you that this is happening (I may be wrong) but it feels like the bottom of a slippery slope. I don't know if your personal circumstances have made it difficult for you to work before now, but the fact you are now looking for jobs indicates you could work. With a relatively young child, I could understand you wanting to be at home for them, but having your own income would help a lot. Perhaps your family might help with after school care? 

If you need additional qualifications, have a look on your Council website: I know that at least some councils offer free tuition to adults who don't have basic qualifications in Maths, English and Digital Skills, or would like tuition in interview skills. Also don't forget you have lots of skills as a mum and looking after your home - turn those round so they are things an employer wants like prioritising, budgeting, time keeping, liaising with professionals (GP for your child's needs!).

Thank you for replying.

Unfortunately the only way we get through the month is by using the overdraft in its entirety.

I don't think he really can afford to give me £1000 each month.  He's said if I don't accept the £1000 offered & use it to pay towards the debts then he will take everything and leave me with nothing.

There simply isn't enough money available in this equation to fund two properties and pay for all the debts.

I don't think he realises just how dire this situation is & doesn't want to talk or think about it.

Open your own bank account, switch child benefit to go into that, apply for Universal Credit today. 

You do not have a mortgage or rent so your costs and you said the only car is his so costs should be manageable if approached correctly. How much are your monthly costs below, I have put in some figures that you should be able to make work and/or reduce expenditure to those levels:
Council tax: ?
Energy bill: 120
Water bill: 25
Food (for you and your 11 year old, you should be able to manage on £30-35 per person per week): 210?
Broadband: 20
Mobile (yours only, not his): 20
Monthy travel costs for you and your 11 year old: ?

Those are pretty much the only costs you need to worry about in the short term, everything else can either wait a few months or is not your debts anyway.

You have said he is claiming a pension and you are looking for work, how old are you both? 

Council tax £160-£200
Energy bill £222
Water bill £50
Food (not sure) let's say £200
Broadband / sky £200 (I think)
Mobile £20
Fuel (minimal hardly ever fill up) £50

We also currently pay for our adult children's mobile phones and car insurance so I've no idea who will be paying these.  There's also some smaller things like car tax, appliance care (which I should cancel) home insurance etc

I'm in my 40's and he's in his 50's.  He's fortunate in that he already receives his private pension plus he works elsewhere now.

Erm,  them? That’s how being an adult works. 

Ask for the car tax, who is keeping the car? 

Cryingemoji

elsien said:

Cryingemoji said:

MattMattMattUK said:

Cryingemoji said:

Cherryfudge said:

I still think you need to open your own bank account and at least get the child benefit into that. Cancel any unnecessary direct debits and standing orders too, if there are any. If he wants to continue with those, they can come out of his new account.

You may be able to get a small income stream from things like online surveys, if you have the headspace for a few of those. It all helps and that's your money to pay into your account. If the joint account is a premium one where you pay to have it, could you change it to the basic version where there are no costs? And is the overdraft staying within its limits?

Reading between the lines, he wants control of the money but isn't handling it responsibly. If he can afford to send you whatever the sum is of what he's offered you, then why are you relying on the overdraft? Somewhere, something's gone astray, between you there's been spending above income, so how come he can suddenly fund £1000 a month? If that would cover his outgoings, he should be repaying what he owes. It's very suspicious that he wants you to take that on, and you need to avoid that. It feels to me as though he's held the purse strings which has given him control of you. I could be wrong but I think he's jumping ship before it gets to the point the bank gets unhappy, and you've no guarantee he would pay you what he says he would.

I don't sense any surprise from you that this is happening (I may be wrong) but it feels like the bottom of a slippery slope. I don't know if your personal circumstances have made it difficult for you to work before now, but the fact you are now looking for jobs indicates you could work. With a relatively young child, I could understand you wanting to be at home for them, but having your own income would help a lot. Perhaps your family might help with after school care? 

If you need additional qualifications, have a look on your Council website: I know that at least some councils offer free tuition to adults who don't have basic qualifications in Maths, English and Digital Skills, or would like tuition in interview skills. Also don't forget you have lots of skills as a mum and looking after your home - turn those round so they are things an employer wants like prioritising, budgeting, time keeping, liaising with professionals (GP for your child's needs!).

Thank you for replying.

Unfortunately the only way we get through the month is by using the overdraft in its entirety.

I don't think he really can afford to give me £1000 each month.  He's said if I don't accept the £1000 offered & use it to pay towards the debts then he will take everything and leave me with nothing.

There simply isn't enough money available in this equation to fund two properties and pay for all the debts.

I don't think he realises just how dire this situation is & doesn't want to talk or think about it.

Open your own bank account, switch child benefit to go into that, apply for Universal Credit today. 

You do not have a mortgage or rent so your costs and you said the only car is his so costs should be manageable if approached correctly. How much are your monthly costs below, I have put in some figures that you should be able to make work and/or reduce expenditure to those levels:
Council tax: ?
Energy bill: 120
Water bill: 25
Food (for you and your 11 year old, you should be able to manage on £30-35 per person per week): 210?
Broadband: 20
Mobile (yours only, not his): 20
Monthy travel costs for you and your 11 year old: ?

Those are pretty much the only costs you need to worry about in the short term, everything else can either wait a few months or is not your debts anyway.

You have said he is claiming a pension and you are looking for work, how old are you both? 

Council tax £160-£200
Energy bill £222
Water bill £50
Food (not sure) let's say £200
Broadband / sky £200 (I think)
Mobile £20
Fuel (minimal hardly ever fill up) £50

We also currently pay for our adult children's mobile phones and car insurance so I've no idea who will be paying these.  There's also some smaller things like car tax, appliance care (which I should cancel) home insurance etc

I'm in my 40's and he's in his 50's.  He's fortunate in that he already receives his private pension plus he works elsewhere now.

Erm,  them? That’s how being an adult works. 

Ask for the car tax, who is keeping the car? 

One of them will have to pay for those things themselves, the other is at uni probably won't be able to.

We have two cars so I will have to pay for my car in order to get my dc to school.

gizmo111

Make sure  the bank account you open is not at the same bank as where the joint account is. Assuming your husband has paid a deposit and rent upfront for when he moves where did that money come from? Has he got savings you don't know about.
At the end of March take out whatever is in the joint account to pay the Aprils bill and put in your own account, then contact the bank and freeze the joint account.  He will need to move the debts to his own account and pay.
I wouldn't go to the bank at this stage as this will alert them that you are having difficulties paying the overdraft.
Adult and Uni child will need to pay their own bills or rely on Dad as you will not have the funds to do so. 
At the moment he is bullying you into doing what he wants - you have rights but you need to get independent finances sorted asap. 

friolento

 Different banks have different rules for joint accounts in dispute. Please let us know which bank the joint account is with so we can have a look at the T&Cs and recommend your best course of action

Cherryfudge

gizmo111 said:

Make sure  the bank account you open is not at the same bank as where the joint account is. Assuming your husband has paid a deposit and rent upfront for when he moves where did that money come from? Has he got savings you don't know about.
At the end of March take out whatever is in the joint account to pay the Aprils bill and put in your own account, then contact the bank and freeze the joint account.  He will need to move the debts to his own account and pay.

Very good advice, though if you are living in the overdraft, I'd move as much as you can into an account of your own as early as you can because you need to protect yourself and your child.

theoretica

When you have a very major financial change it can be tempting to start with how things were, and then try to tweak them to fit the new circumstances.  Sometimes it is better to start with a clean sheet and work out how things can be going forward.

What will you get in UC and child benefit, child maintenance?  Will you be eligible for council tax support?

What MUST you spend - council tax, food, utilities and how can you cut them (eg perhaps not heating some rooms, water meter) then go down your list of priorities as see what you can afford.

Then the next step is facing the things which had been in your previous spending, but aren't in your current (adult children's mobiles & cars, expensive broadband/sky) and the person whose name the account is in needs to cancel/downgrade/transfer to new property or otherwise deal with it.

enthusiasticsaver

As you have no income I recommend you set up your own sole bank account and move only essential household bills over.  His suggestion will interfere with you applying for benefits as the £1000 will show as income when in fact it is not as he wants you to pay HIS bills.  I would say a definite no to that.  

He can pay you the £500 maintenance for your 11 year old and you should claim benefits declaring this £500 if you actually have proof he will pay it. Ideally a standing order.  

Only set up  essential bills for you only.  His car and mobile phone and debts are now his problem. 

If you don't have rent to pay then you most definitely are not up s***t creek.  

Move over half of any savings accounts and tell the bank with the joint account that there is a dispute and I would cancel all direct debits so you do not get stung with bounced dd fees or go into overdraft.  Take out 50% of any balance first. I would then ask them to freeze it so your ex cannot access it either. 
  

Are you able to work? 

belfastgirl23

Some fantastic advice here. What I’m hearing from you is that you are really overwhelmed which is unsurprising given that this has come out of a clear blue sky for you. So I’d say take things in stages and be ok with that. Be very kind to yourself about it - you’ve had a dreadful shock and it’s ok to just cope with the bit you can cope with today. In fact every time you do something give yourself a seriously big pat on the back because you deserve it.

Firstly I think you need to be clear both in your own head and with your family what your husband is doing. At best, I’d say he is way over his head financially and is hoping to dig himself out and leave you buried with the responsibility and the worry while he sails off to a new life and decides how much money he will give you. So whilst you can be amicable you need to be very clear that he is NOT your friend and NOT acting in your best interests and you need to protect yourself and your children, especially the one still living at home. Just noticing too that I think your instincts have been pretty good on this so I’m saying this to back up what you are feeling yourself - you are absolutely right to refuse to take on the joint account and responsibility for the debts. I honestly can’t see any benefit to you from that arrangement - I can see the short term attraction of not being broke but I don’t think 15 years of worry while you repay the debts is going to be a fair trade off. 

I’d focus on today’s problems first. Get the basic bank account and apply for Universal Credit. Before you officially ask to close the joint account I’d also do a big food shop from it and potentially also buy e.g. £100 of shopping vouchers to carry you through with fresh food. At least that way you’d get through the first month or so with enough to eat. Yes it will run up the overdraft but to me that’s the most important because you will feel better knowing you can eat and feed your child. Hopefully by then Universal Credit and your Child Allowance will give you a bit of breathing space (and there are food banks too). So once you’ve done that, the second phase is freezing the direct debits so you don’t run up more debt and closing the joint account, ideally in the next week or so. This will also involve making sure that all of your husband’s direct debits go to his new account - for loans, cars etc and stopping paying anything for adult children unless your husband decides he will take over those debits. If you think your husband will try to talk you out of it then just go in and do it yourself - after all he acted unilaterally in his decision making and that gives you permission to do likewise. He will most likely be angry about this so prepare yourself for that - it is not you being unreasonable here and it is not your job to make him happy any more, it’s your job to protect yourself and your child. 

Phase two will be to think about other things both fixed costs - utilities, council tax, water etc - and other costs such as broadband/phone/food. I’d suggest going to the debt free wannabe board and asking there what you can do once you have clarity over what these are. They will be great on whether and how to approach companies to ask for breathing space on the fixed costs, whether or how to move across direct debits to your new account. They will also be able to advise how long it will take until someone wants to e.g. cut off your water or electric which I think will come as a relief to you because I’d guess it would be quite a while.  They will also help with how to cut back on costs too. But this is phase 2, so just focus on phase 1 for now. As an observation - that’s a lot you’re paying on the utilities - do you think you might be in credit with the utility companies? That would also help if so. 

I know you’ll also be job hunting and again going to reiterate what I said at the start, be kind to yourself on this. It’s ok to pace yourself with it, especially if you haven’t been in the job market for a while. 

Remember, one step at a time. Congratulate yourself when you take that step because it is hard and you are doing it. And good luck!