Ex removing his wages.

MattMattMattUK

Cryingemoji said:

MattMattMattUK said:

Cryingemoji said:

elsien said:

Cryingemoji said:

Thanks for replying Matt.

He's proposing that he gives me £1000 per month to cover his share of the debts and I keep the joint account but it does feel like he's trying to distance himself from the joint account / responsibilities.

Don’t agree to that. As you say, it will prevent you from claiming any means tested benefits, and if it’s purely to pay the debts, then he can pay the debts directly himself. And if all the direct debits for sky and everything else are in his name, Think about what you need to keep such as utilities, but he needs to look at cancelling the rest of them or transferring them over to where he is moving to. 
For example, is he taking the car with him because if so he’s responsible for the insurance,  not you.

Then start thinking about a proper financial settlement, because if you’ve been married for a long time, the starting point is a 50-50 split, and that will include savings and pensions. So, depending on the debts, what they have been run up for et cetera, there may be negotiations to be had around that trade-off as well.

Thanks for replying.

He's in receipt of a private pension and the money he's proposing I have is this money which equates to £1500 including £500 child maintenance.

He's expecting me to agree to this deal as I have no money of my own currently and he knows that as we are only separated not divorced he technically could take all of the pension money currently too.  He says he's trying to be amicable.

He is not, he is trying to bully you into a situation that benefits him. 

This is what it is feeling like.

My family think I should accept the deal, but it's niggling me and doesn't feel right.

I'm just afraid of him pulling the plug on every penny we have and I'm left with direct debits for household bills that I cannot pay without significant help from family.

Do you have your own bank account? If not open one today.
Apply for UC today.
Work out your exact costs going forward, so you know the minimum you need.
Cancel any expenses in your name you have that do not have cancellation costs. 
Speak to a solicitor on Monday about divorce, most offer an initial free hour consultation and if you choose to proceed then fees are paid from the proceeds of the divorce. 

As others have said the starting point it 50/50 for a split, that means you get half of all savings, half of all pension pots, half of all private pensions etc. As you will be looking after the child you may get more. 

You mention that he is claiming a pension and you are looking for work, is there a large age difference between you?

eskbanker

Cryingemoji said:
He's expecting me to agree to this deal as I have no money of my own currently and he knows that as we are only separated not divorced he technically could take all of the pension money currently too.  He says he's trying to be amicable.

This is indeed separation rather than divorce, but probably best to consider where it might eventually head, and a proper sustainable and equitable financial separation should be negotiated, including all assets, preferably with legal representation - obviously there's a limit to what can be achieved in three weeks, so IMHO you need to make it clear that you're not waiving any of your rights and so anything currently under discussion just now is provisional and temporary, in order to stabilise the situation.

Cryingemoji

Section62 said:

Cryingemoji said:

He's expecting me to agree to this deal as I have no money of my own currently and he knows that as we are only separated not divorced he technically could take all of the pension money currently too.  He says he's trying to be amicable.

Has he spoken to a divorce lawyer?  If not then he's in for a shock.

The courts prioritise the needs of any children in the family.  Your child needs a stable family home.  Assuming you will be the parent the child continues to live with, then if it becomes necessary a family court would grant an interim order requiring him to hand over enough of his money to meet his share of your and your childs needs.

You don't have to wait to be divorced before a court would intervene - and in fact it is very important that you get a legally binding 'financial settlement' before the divorce is finalised.

Some of this stuff is likely to be happening a long way into the future, and there are other things to prioritise today (e.g. having your own bank account), but you do need to make yourself aware of the longer-term stuff so you don't make a decision now that closes off an option later.

I don't think he has talked to a lawyer, no.  We don't have any money spare to do so.

Yes our child will be staying with me.

MattMattMattUK

Cryingemoji said:

I was shocked too when we totalled up the current outgoings of £1500 for household bills.  This is not including food.  There was so much on there.  Some of them are things that will be his such as his car insurance, tax, mobile phone etc.

To be £1,500 pm without food or mortgage/rent is very high, unreasonably high. You can slash those hugely and his costs are his, not yours.

Cryingemoji said:

Yes, the loan and credit card are very large totalling £15000 that's why it's costing £540 per month.  £300 for the credit card and £240 for the bank loan.

They are in his name so his problem in the short term, they will reduce the funds to be distributed in the divorce, but in the short term they are not something you need to worry about.

Cryingemoji said:

I feel like I'm up sh** creek without a paddle...

It might feel like that but it is all perfectly navigable, it will just take some time and advice. If anyone is in that position it is likely to be your future ex-husband who appears to have hugely delusional ideas of what he will get from a split.

Shakin_Steve

A relationship break up is never easy, at least you are talking to each other. You need to make a list of all of the outgoings that you are solely going to be responsible for. You then need to sit down together and make it clear that you are not willing to continue paying any bills in his name, he needs to either pay them off, cancel any services he wants to or move the direct debits into an account solely in his name.
This will give you both a clear idea of what you need to support yourself and your dependent child.
Once you have a starting point, you can further negotiate from there. 

The difficult bit: Try not to let emotions get in the way of sorting out an (even if temporary) agreement that works for you both right now. Things will change moving forward, as you either find a job or sort out which benefits you are entitled to.
Try not to make the next three weeks more difficult than it's already going to be.

Easy to give this advice, definitely not easy to follow. Good luck.

Cherryfudge

First of all may I say I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I understand it's a huge amount to take in and you will need a bit of time to absorb all the repercussions.

Why not start by setting up that individual bank account so it's sitting there for you to use?

Then if you need to take a break and let that settle, do so.

After that, list the things you'll need to transfer into your name.

Go through the existing bank account for all direct debits and standing orders and see what you need to keep. These will probably be listed separately under a heading on a side bar, so don't rely on skimming the statements as some may be just once a year (insurance for example).

Next step, once you know what you're dealing with: perhaps investigate ways of reducing your bills. For instance, once you're the only adult in the house, your Council Tax should go down but you will need to set that up - so alongside 'Council Tax', add the Council phone number and a note of any details you don't know by heart, including those of your new account. Alongside each of the utilities, write their phone number and any relevant details.

Hopefully, once you have a physical list, you'll begin to feel more in control and less confused. You don't have to do all the things today, but make a start and make a list. Be aware there's usually something that no one has thought of: it's really hard to plan to the last penny from scratch.

This is about you taking the reins and not taking on his debts in addition to costs you will have anyway. Once you know where you stand, you'll be better placed to know what you need from him.

Keep posting: this forum is a great source of support as well as practical advice. And all the best for riding this out.

Section62

Cryingemoji said:

Section62 said:

My family own the home.

Youngest is 11.

Good.  So you won't have the problem of his family trying to get you out of the house.

11 is young enough then that it is really important to make sure the right provision is made for them.

You would be right to resist your family encouraging you to accept the deal - unless any of them happen to be family law solicitors.  It is natural for family members to try to get things dealt with for the minimum of stress and upset, but those who are emotionally involved don't always make the right decisions or give good advice. Over the next few months you may even feel like your family are on his side - again that can just be a product of them "wanting what's best" for you and your children, but if his early attempts at what appears to be bullying you are an indication of how this might play out, then later on they will come round to your way of thinking.

Brie

BoGoF said:

Got yourself your own sole account and transfer over the bills you are liable for to this. If his loan/cc direct debits bounce it's his credit file that is going to be trashed.

actually if it's a joint account and the OP is still on it and it goes overdrawn that will show on her credit history as well.  so best to get the name off it - if the bank will allow it.  In person is best talking to a person with authority not just the person at the front of the queue.

Cryingemoji

Just wanted to say thank you for all the replies, they're much appreciated.

I'm trying to work my way through reading everything that's been suggested etc

born_again

Cryingemoji said:

Thanks for replying Matt.

He's proposing that he gives me £1000 per month to cover his share of the debts and I keep the joint account but it does feel like he's trying to distance himself from the joint account / responsibilities.

Don't.
His debts he has to pay.
What happens if he stops paying you? Still his debts, but will cause issues on the account.

Get your own account set up. Then contact bank on a joint account dispute on the JT acc.