Ex removing his wages.

Cherryfudge

Would it help to go back through this thread with pen and paper and make notes? While this is a great source of information, it tends to come in an unstructured way. A s you write things down, you may pick up patterns.

I'm sorry I'm not the one to ask, regarding specifics, but I'm sure people will be along to help. You can also ask the solicitor if there's anything people usually ask that you haven't thought of.

I hope it goes well and you get some helpful advice. Remember, if it's overwhelming, break it into tiny chunks and take one at at time.

FarmGirl78

Divorce comes in 3 very distinct bits. DON'T let the Solicitor lump then into one giant parcel that they'll gladly take out of your hands and sort for you. I reckon you can sort at least 2 of the three processes yourself.

1. The divorce. This is done in stages and you can do it yourself online. Since the changes last year (or maybe the year before!) it's encouraged and easier to do it jointly..... The new "no fault"divorce where you both basically agree it's over and you both want out. However you can definitely still do it without him being on board, the traditional "this bloke is an !!!!!! and I can't be reasonably expected to live with him because it's irretrievably broken down" (the old "unreasonable behaviour". You can do this yourself, or jointly with him, WITHOUT a solicitor involvement. The courts made things much more clear, simple and accessible when COVID came in and court delays kicked in. You can do the whole thing online. Not nice, emotionally exhausting, but perfectly possible.

2. The financial separation. There's basically 2 ways to can do this, this simple "we've agree" way, or the "we're still squabbling and we need a judge to decide for us" way.
A. For the easy way you'll both need to declare your income, savings, outgoings, pensions and assets etc, to each other, agree roughly on how you're going to divvy things up. You get a solicitor to write this into a formal (draft) court order which the judge just basically rubber stamps. (This is all done remotely so there's usually no need to go to court at all, unless the judge wants something clarified or wants to ask why you've decided a particular thing). You can get mediation to help you decide between you (sometimes there's funding and "vouchers" for this, to prevent you going down the "judge decides" route and keep it out of full court. You can also get 2 solicitors to battle it out between you, and agree and then the judge just rubber stamps it. There's basically various ways to reach the agreement without going to full on B...
B.For the judge to decide. You need to submit bank statements, get pensions valued, etc and full on reems and reems of paperwork. I managed everything for my boyfriends divorce but this absolutely scared the pants off me, so had him and his (unamicable!) ex-wife not been able to agree I would have 100% got a solicitor to sort this. I wouldn't wish those forms on my worst enemy!!

This is the bit you'll probably need the solicitor to handle, either A or B. Especially if you're not confident, and just crushed down by a uncooperative husband. If you've effectively not had a career because you have it up or didn't pursue one because you stayed at home to bring up children and look after him then you could claim spousal Maintenance, but this is increasingly not used these days. This would be something you might want to ask your solicitor about. Probably also useful as your husband is already drawing a private pension, so that will complicate things.

NB, Sometimes it doesn't matter, (in my boyfriends case it didn't) but if you're doing the divorce bit without a solicitor you must NOT do the second half of the divorce untill you've sorted any pension sharing, as once you're full on divorced you're no longer his wife and not entitled to any pension. So most people pause the divorce after the conditional (the old decree nisi) bit, wait for the financial separation to get signed off and stamped) and then complete the unconditional final but of the divorce (previously known as the decree absolute)

3. The child arrangements bit. Basically the "who sees the kids when" bit. This is only really needed to be formalised by a court if you can't agree. You can either just agree between yourselves and do nothing formal, or agree it and get it rubber stamped by court, or get a judge to decide. Once kids are over 13ish they usually won't go against what the child wants without good reason.
Ps. The child maintenance can get written into the financial separation. You can set a figure between you, or agree to go off what the CMS say. If you agree a figure between you then this basically only lasts 12 months, after which you or him can apply to the CMS and it just legally goes to what they decide.

I reckon you can manage 1 and 3 yourself. 1 will be difficult, and you'll have to get reading head on, and know the steps of divorce or get up to speed on things, but it'll save you THOUSANDS. A solicitor might quote a fee of "Divorces for just £800+vat" but that's just for them drawing up the documents. You'll still have to pay the court fees ontop of that fee. If you're on benefits or low income you can either get refunded or don't have to pay the court fees (as least that was the case in 2022!). Doing 1 yourself will save you so much - if you want tips on how to write your grounds for divorce send me a message and I'll assist. If the judge rejects it you'll have to pay more fees to get it redone.

I'm desperately trying to think up things we found useful. I think the best advice is to set up  new email address that's JUST for your divorce, financial separation and child access etc. So you can just switch off from time to time and not see all the emails sitting there is you're having a particularly bad day. Eg, your regular existing Gmail account going into usual email app on your phone, use a complete separate app such as blue mail etc for your 'divorce' emails to go to.

If also suggest warning your ex beforehand that divorce is simply a means to an end, and it won't be pleasant for him to read the examples of unreasonable behaviour you've put down (depending which divorce method you go for) and this isn't the sum total of your marriage, but just necessary.

Hope this helps in some way.

enthusiasticsaver

Great advice from @FarmGirl78

I suspect it will be more the solicitor asking you questions and giving advice.  They will want to know about finances, household responsibility for children etc and employment situation.  Have you had a conversation with a benefits specialist to see what you are entitled to in the interim period before you find work?  I would say that is important as well as separating yourself from your DHs financial responsibilities. What was the debt taken out for? 

Cryingemoji

@FarmGirl78 thank you so much for such a detailed reply, it's much appreciated.

@enthusiasticsaver I have an appointment at the job centre next week, do they know all about benefits, I'm assuming they do? I've put my claim in and that's the next step.

The debt was for family things, just general food and expenses and also for our DC's university accommodation.  So I know that morally I'm as much to blame for running up the debt.

enthusiasticsaver

Yes the job centre should be able to steer you in the right direction or go on to gov.uk or citizens advice. 

As you say then I guess morally the debt is both of yours but until you are working you can’t afford to pay so that should be the stance you take with your husband. Legally it is him that is responsible. 

enthusiasticsaver

Also stress that you suffer with anxiety as that could entitle you to more in benefits if it prevents you working FT

friolento

You can also use entitled to or turn2us to model your entitlements