Breakdown of relationship, house and rental nightmare

m0bov

Does she need a key at the moment? I'd remove the key or change the lock(s) now, as a way of getting her used to the idea her time is almost up. She could use that cash to pay 6 months up front, she won't get council help with that amount of cash, it would be better if she gave that back (sounds odd I know). I think this is getting toxic and your risking getting the police called on you for something.

MikeJXE

m0bov said:

Does she need a key at the moment? I'd remove the key or change the lock(s) now, as a way of getting her used to the idea her time is almost up. She could use that cash to pay 6 months up front, she won't get council help with that amount of cash, it would be better if she gave that back (sounds odd I know). I think this is getting toxic and you're risking getting the police called on you for something.

It's not that easy to get your first rental.

I sold my house and rented but even with £150,000 in the bank and 6 months up front I still needed a guarantor 

Who's to say she still has the £17,000 anyway 

m0bov

Yes, fair point, handing them money might have made it worse. It could show entitlement so she could then try and go for more money.

LookingForPeace

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm sure you know this already but what she accused you of (being a narcissist) is exactly what she has shown herself to be (I don't mean that hyperbolically). She sounds like a textbook case. There will be absolutely no way to win any argument with her, and she will never do "the reasonable thing" from an intention of being reasonable. She has no understanding or appreciation of boundaries, and knows very well that you (from what you've mentioned) struggle to set and enforce your own boundaries. She will likely not respect your deadline in any way. 

You might find it useful to look up some advice on dealing with narcissists, get some go-to things you can do to steady yourself in the moment.

If you can last until the date you've set, just please promise yourself you will do anything needed to make it happen that day. Don't buckle one bit. Regardless of the situation she says it will put her or her children in. You have done EVERYTHING to give her the opportunity to sort her situation out. If you don't uphold it on that date, it will only get worse and you don't deserve that.

I hope you know this post is coming from a place of compassion for you, I just know very well what situation you are in and how you must be feeling right now. You'll feel so much better when you stick to your boundary! 

Sea_Shell

skemp1 said:

Despite all this is I still feel like I have a duty of care towards her children, especially the 8 year old. And this is why I've given her the money and 2 months to find somewhere. 

If you feel a "duty of care" to her kids at the moment, how will that change by end of Feb if she hasn't gone...

Are you really prepared to dump their stuff in the street and change the locks, even if this kid is there, crying??

I think she may push you to that point ☹️

skemp1

LookingForPeace said:

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm sure you know this already but what she accused you of (being a narcissist) is exactly what she has shown herself to be (I don't mean that hyperbolically). She sounds like a textbook case. There will be absolutely no way to win any argument with her, and she will never do "the reasonable thing" from an intention of being reasonable. She has no understanding or appreciation of boundaries, and knows very well that you (from what you've mentioned) struggle to set and enforce your own boundaries. She will likely not respect your deadline in any way. 

You might find it useful to look up some advice on dealing with narcissists, get some go-to things you can do to steady yourself in the moment.

If you can last until the date you've set, just please promise yourself you will do anything needed to make it happen that day. Don't buckle one bit. Regardless of the situation she says it will put her or her children in. You have done EVERYTHING to give her the opportunity to sort her situation out. If you don't uphold it on that date, it will only get worse and you don't deserve that.

I hope you know this post is coming from a place of compassion for you, I just know very well what situation you are in and how you must be feeling right now. You'll feel so much better when you stick to your boundary! 

Awwwww thanks. 

It means a lot to hear this from a stranger. I really started doubting my sanity TBH and started to think I was one, I've took almost every test there is online and I'm definitely not.

I'm very up and down to be honest, trying to remain stable, but it feels like I am just constantly tested by her and even my neighbour who is her best friend. 

Whatever happens, on the 1st of March ALL of my family are going to my house from Essex to help me change the locks and remove any trace of her left in the house (if any). With my families (and possibly) the Polices support it will be happening.  

I am touched by your post though and intrinsically I like to think I'm a fair person, but this sometimes allows folk to take advantage of my good nature. 

skemp1

Sea_Shell said:

skemp1 said:

Despite all this is I still feel like I have a duty of care towards her children, especially the 8 year old. And this is why I've given her the money and 2 months to find somewhere. 

If you feel a "duty of care" to her kids at the moment, how will that change by end of Feb if she hasn't gone...

Are you really prepared to dump their stuff in the street and change the locks, even if this kid is there, crying??

I think she may push you to that point ☹️

Whatever happens, on the 1st of March ALL of my family are going to my house from Essex to help me change the locks and remove any trace of her left in the house (if any). With my families (and possibly) the Polices support it will be happening.  

diystarter7

skemp1 said:

Sea_Shell said:

skemp1 said:

Despite all this is I still feel like I have a duty of care towards her children, especially the 8 year old. And this is why I've given her the money and 2 months to find somewhere. 

If you feel a "duty of care" to her kids at the moment, how will that change by end of Feb if she hasn't gone...

Are you really prepared to dump their stuff in the street and change the locks, even if this kid is there, crying??

I think she may push you to that point ☹️

Whatever happens, on the 1st of March ALL of my family are going to my house from Essex to help me change the locks and remove any trace of her left in the house (if any). With my families (and possibly) the Polices support it will be happening.  

Hi
I've not read all of the posts but read several recent ones

You appear to be very sensible and to me it looks as though she  will wittingly or unwittingly press all of your buttons.
Be the bigger man and avoid, ignore and at all times try to remain civil, yes just that, play no games as someone suggested. Keep on doing the right thing and in the end and for the aforementioned reasons, not just your family will support you but the law will as well

it's awful but you have come this far, remain strong and civil

Good luck

Sea_Shell

Just always leave the toilet seat up!! 😉

I think that comes top in the "how to annoy women" charts.


Chin up.   This will end...as you say on the 1st of March, with or without her cooperation.

She has the choice to do it the easy way or the hard way.

skemp1

Sea_Shell said:

Just always leave the toilet seat up!! 😉

I think that comes top in the "how to annoy women" charts.


Chin up.   This will end...as you say on the 1st of March, with or without her cooperation.

She has the choice to do it the easy way or the hard way.

Ha! Ha! Will do!

Yeah, I can't wait till it all ends. 

My family are furious with her. Not about the breakup, but about the way she keeps changing the goal posts and the mind games. 

What kind of mother would she be if she lets it get to the point of being evicted by the police, despite having every chance to leave.