Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

london21

In your situation, I wouldn't lend but give what I can comfortably afford.

Only lend what you don't mind not getting back.

If she keeps getting bailed out, no incentive to change her behaviour of spending above her means. 

diystarter7

london21 said:

In your situation, I wouldn't lend but give what I can comfortably afford.

Only lend what you don't mind not getting back.

If she keeps getting bailed out, no incentive to change her behaviour of spending above her means. 

Hi

The highlighted bit. It never starts when one is in their 60's etc this starts at a much younger age from what I have seen, ie bailing out, living hand to mouth, living beyond ones means, and paying masses of unnecessary interest. When people like this are given an educational talk, they are dismissive and rude at times.

IMO, once you are over a certain age and always lived like this, there is little one can do to change them.

Thanks

easy

diystarter7 said:

Hi

The highlighted bit. It never starts when one is in their 60's etc this starts at a much younger age from what I have seen, ie bailing out, living hand to mouth, living beyond ones means, and paying masses of unnecessary interest. When people like this are given an educational talk, they are dismissive and rude at times.

IMO, once you are over a certain age and always lived like this, there is little one can do to change them.

Thanks

I agree,  nothing is going to change how she lives now,  altho her husband's condition is declining,  so the holidays will have to stop,  as he struggles to cope with different places etc.  I know there will be care costs -  and so does my sister.

I've had the conversation,  I've said I will lend this one time,  but I'm not comfortable with it,  I wish she hadn't asked me, and I don't want her to ask me again.  I've said that if she does ask again,  I WILL say no.  
She knows I would like to work part time but currently can't afford to,  and I've told her I won't carry on working to support her.  I refuse to be put in a position where I resent her.  (I didn't say that I recognise this may make her resent me, but that's her problem). 

If I don't get this loan back,  then so be it.  But I'm absolutely definite that there won't be any more.  I won't fall for any sob-stories or guilt trips -  I've made that promise to my husband,  and now to you lot too.  

pinkshoes

easy said:

I agree,  nothing is going to change how she lives now,  altho her husband's condition is declining,  so the holidays will have to stop,  as he struggles to cope with different places etc.  I know there will be care costs -  and so does my sister.

I've had the conversation,  I've said I will lend this one time,  but I'm not comfortable with it,  I wish she hadn't asked me, and I don't want her to ask me again.  I've said that if she does ask again,  I WILL say no.  
She knows I would like to work part time but currently can't afford to,  and I've told her I won't carry on working to support her.  I refuse to be put in a position where I resent her.  (I didn't say that I recognise this may make her resent me, but that's her problem). 

If I don't get this loan back,  then so be it.  But I'm absolutely definite that there won't be any more.  I won't fall for any sob-stories or guilt trips -  I've made that promise to my husband,  and now to you lot too.  

That's a sensible decision.

I do think you should have some sort of written agreement saying what will happen if she doesn't pay it back. She needs to learn somehow, especially if money is only going to get tighter.

silvercar

easy said:

diystarter7 said:

Hi

The highlighted bit. It never starts when one is in their 60's etc this starts at a much younger age from what I have seen, ie bailing out, living hand to mouth, living beyond ones means, and paying masses of unnecessary interest. When people like this are given an educational talk, they are dismissive and rude at times.

IMO, once you are over a certain age and always lived like this, there is little one can do to change them.

Thanks

I agree,  nothing is going to change how she lives now,  altho her husband's condition is declining,  so the holidays will have to stop,  as he struggles to cope with different places etc.  I know there will be care costs -  and so does my sister.

I've had the conversation,  I've said I will lend this one time,  but I'm not comfortable with it,  I wish she hadn't asked me, and I don't want her to ask me again.  I've said that if she does ask again,  I WILL say no.  
She knows I would like to work part time but currently can't afford to,  and I've told her I won't carry on working to support her.  I refuse to be put in a position where I resent her.  (I didn't say that I recognise this may make her resent me, but that's her problem). 

If I don't get this loan back,  then so be it.  But I'm absolutely definite that there won't be any more.  I won't fall for any sob-stories or guilt trips -  I've made that promise to my husband,  and now to you lot too.  

Very calm and balanced. I’d be inclined to follow up with a friendly text, so her memory doesn’t play tricks on her.

something like, “ as I said yesterday, I will lend you the money this time, but know that it is difficult for me and this really is a one off, so please don’t put me in an awkward position by asking again.”

cymruchris

easy said:

diystarter7 said:

Hi

The highlighted bit. It never starts when one is in their 60's etc this starts at a much younger age from what I have seen, ie bailing out, living hand to mouth, living beyond ones means, and paying masses of unnecessary interest. When people like this are given an educational talk, they are dismissive and rude at times.

IMO, once you are over a certain age and always lived like this, there is little one can do to change them.

Thanks

I agree,  nothing is going to change how she lives now,  altho her husband's condition is declining,  so the holidays will have to stop,  as he struggles to cope with different places etc.  I know there will be care costs -  and so does my sister.

I've had the conversation,  I've said I will lend this one time,  but I'm not comfortable with it,  I wish she hadn't asked me, and I don't want her to ask me again.  I've said that if she does ask again,  I WILL say no.  
She knows I would like to work part time but currently can't afford to,  and I've told her I won't carry on working to support her.  I refuse to be put in a position where I resent her.  (I didn't say that I recognise this may make her resent me, but that's her problem). 

If I don't get this loan back,  then so be it.  But I'm absolutely definite that there won't be any more.  I won't fall for any sob-stories or guilt trips -  I've made that promise to my husband,  and now to you lot too.  

As I mentioned a bit earlier - it is a difficult position to be in. You've certainly thought about it, had discussions, and come to a conclusion that hopefully will work for everyone. I do hope that she will pay you back, but at least you've been firm to say 'I'm helping you now - but that's it'. Whichever way it goes - if you remember - come back and update us further down the line. You shouldn't really get any 'I told you so' responses if she doesn't, as you've acknowledged the risk, and are prepared to roll with it. It'll still be good for future posters to see how it turned out - as no doubt these discussions, and the outcome will help them when they make their decision. Fingers crossed it all works out! (And thanks for updating us as you've come to your decision). 

Gavin83

easy said:

diystarter7 said:

Hi

The highlighted bit. It never starts when one is in their 60's etc this starts at a much younger age from what I have seen, ie bailing out, living hand to mouth, living beyond ones means, and paying masses of unnecessary interest. When people like this are given an educational talk, they are dismissive and rude at times.

IMO, once you are over a certain age and always lived like this, there is little one can do to change them.

Thanks

I agree,  nothing is going to change how she lives now,  altho her husband's condition is declining,  so the holidays will have to stop,  as he struggles to cope with different places etc.  I know there will be care costs -  and so does my sister.

I've had the conversation,  I've said I will lend this one time,  but I'm not comfortable with it,  I wish she hadn't asked me, and I don't want her to ask me again.  I've said that if she does ask again,  I WILL say no.  
She knows I would like to work part time but currently can't afford to,  and I've told her I won't carry on working to support her.  I refuse to be put in a position where I resent her.  (I didn't say that I recognise this may make her resent me, but that's her problem). 

If I don't get this loan back,  then so be it.  But I'm absolutely definite that there won't be any more.  I won't fall for any sob-stories or guilt trips -  I've made that promise to my husband,  and now to you lot too.  

I wouldn't necessarily expect the holidays to stop. It'll turn from "We need to do these holidays while we can" to "I need this holiday to get a break from my caring duties" and she'll go off alone.

Anyway you've made the decision you're comfortable with and it is your choice after all. I hope it works out for you. I too would appreciate it if you could update us in the future as to how it goes.

london21

I think she will lend this time and come again.

Eventually tough love it will have to be because the economy and things are getting tougher. 

calleyw

Seems you have decided to lend the money.  As long as you are giving knowing you are not likely to get it back.  Next time just say "NO" its a complete sentence.  No need to explain or get in to anything. Use the broken record techique.  Every time she brings it up just say "You had my answer" and leave it at that.  Personally I think you are mad to lend to her when you are looking to cut down to part time.

Brie

I'd be tempted to say No quite firmly but that's not the question.  It's how to say no without sounding like whatever.

So alternative one "No I can't lend you any money.  Frankly I don't want to be in the position of waiting for you to pay it back and worrying about what would happen between us if you didn't.  So how about instead I take the £100 we normally spend on Christmas presents for you for the next 20 years and give that to you now.  If you need to ask for more we can talk about it when I need to buy you another present (aka in 20 years time)"

And alternative two "No I can't lend you any money.  But how about this....you have some of mom's jewellery that I would have loved to have had myself.  Now strictly speaking we might have shared the jewellery 50/50 so what I propose is you give it all to me and I'll give you half the value of it.  That's fair I think."  (so if the jewellery is worth £4k, you give her £2k on the basis that you are paying her for her half your mom's jewellery as she should have only inherited half of it, not taken the lot)  (fiver says the jewellery has already been pawned.....)