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Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it
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easy said:My sister has always lived beyond her means, mortgaged to the hilt, credit cards up to their limits, borrowing from parents.
Last year our mum died, and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money, obviously the inheritance was shared equally. Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum.
But she has spent all her money. She's asked me to lend her a sum of money, a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills. She says she will repay me early next year. She has a planMy husband is incandescent with rage ... I'm pretty pee'd off myself.
Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event. I can't afford to lose what I am lending now, and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".
I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful
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Mojisola said:easy said:My sister has always lived beyond her means, mortgaged to the hilt, credit cards up to their limits, borrowing from parents.
Last year our mum died, and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money, obviously the inheritance was shared equally. Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum.
But she has spent all her money. She's asked me to lend her a sum of money, a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills. She says she will repay me early next year. She has a planMy husband is incandescent with rage ... I'm pretty pee'd off myself.
Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event. I can't afford to lose what I am lending now, and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".
I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful1 -
GiantTCR said:theoretica said:Would your husband be willing to be the ogre and say no/take the flak?
"Hi, you know that money my wife has inherithed from your mother? Yes, that money I have nothing to do with? I don't want you to have it"
You want to say no to someone? You grow a pair and do it yourself.
IMO there is no need to pt it like that.
OP is seeking help, not abuse.
OP, whatever you decide, please do not forget your OH should come first unless your sis is sleeping on the streets, don't loan and say cant afford to but give her an x amount as a gift to help her out and tell her if you can that it is putting stress on you and your hubby.
Thanks1 -
I lent a similar amount money to my brother a couple of years ago, 'just for a couple of weeks' while he sorted out a minor issue with his UK bank while he was working abroad. I absolutely knew that it would come back to me but it took months. During that time I mentioned the loan a few times as he never raised it or said what he was doing to resolve his problem. I was having some cashflow dramas myself and just needed a timescale to know if I should move some money from savings or wait it out. He did eventually pay the money back but tells me he was deeply hurt by my 'unnecessarily chasing him', as if I didn't trust him. He now hasn't spoken to me for 6 months. I will never lend money again. With hindsight I should have moved the money from my savings, written it off in my head, forgotten it and been delighted when it came back.
Based on that. In your position (and assuming you can afford not to see the money again), I would give her the £2k. I would frame it as the loan she has requested, expect not to see it come back and be pleasantly surprised should it ever do so. I would however tell her - I think the best way is plainly - that this 'loan' will be the one and only you will make to her as all of the remaining funds you have are tied up for your own future.
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Mojisola said:easy said:My sister has always lived beyond her means, mortgaged to the hilt, credit cards up to their limits, borrowing from parents.
Last year our mum died, and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money, obviously the inheritance was shared equally. Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum.
But she has spent all her money. She's asked me to lend her a sum of money, a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills. She says she will repay me early next year. She has a planMy husband is incandescent with rage ... I'm pretty pee'd off myself.
Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event. I can't afford to lose what I am lending now, and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".
I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful
I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money, about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest, she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together.I try not to get too stressed out on the forum. I won't argue, i'll just leave a thread if you don't like what I say.8 -
easy said:Mojisola said:easy said:My sister has always lived beyond her means, mortgaged to the hilt, credit cards up to their limits, borrowing from parents.
Last year our mum died, and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money, obviously the inheritance was shared equally. Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum.
But she has spent all her money. She's asked me to lend her a sum of money, a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills. She says she will repay me early next year. She has a planMy husband is incandescent with rage ... I'm pretty pee'd off myself.
Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event. I can't afford to lose what I am lending now, and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".
I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful
I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money, about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest, she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together.
At least you've come to a mutual decision.
Let's hope your sister understands what she's really asking of you, both.
Please let us all know in the spring, if (or when) repayment is forthcoming 😉How's it going, AKA, Nutwatch? - 12 month spends to date = 2.60% of current retirement "pot" (as at end May 2025)1 -
easy said:Mojisola said:easy said:My sister has always lived beyond her means, mortgaged to the hilt, credit cards up to their limits, borrowing from parents.
Last year our mum died, and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money, obviously the inheritance was shared equally. Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum.
But she has spent all her money. She's asked me to lend her a sum of money, a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills. She says she will repay me early next year. She has a planMy husband is incandescent with rage ... I'm pretty pee'd off myself.
Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event. I can't afford to lose what I am lending now, and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".
I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful
I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money, about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest, she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together."You've been reading SOS when it's just your clock reading 5:05 "2 -
easy said:Mojisola said:easy said:My sister has always lived beyond her means, mortgaged to the hilt, credit cards up to their limits, borrowing from parents.
Last year our mum died, and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money, obviously the inheritance was shared equally. Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum.
But she has spent all her money. She's asked me to lend her a sum of money, a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills. She says she will repay me early next year. She has a planMy husband is incandescent with rage ... I'm pretty pee'd off myself.
Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event. I can't afford to lose what I am lending now, and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".
I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful
I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money, about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest, she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together.
You seem to be making life decisions based on what your mum would have wanted. This is honestly a terrible idea. You need to make your own decisions based on what's best for you and your family. Besides, I'm sure your mum would tell you to learn from her own mistakes and not lend the money as it'll never stop. She wouldn't want you to ruin your own life for your sister.
Your mum frankly made this situation a lot worse. Had she refused to lend the money earlier on your sister would have been forced to deal with her finances and live within her means at a time when it was easier to do so. Now with a far lesser income, plus a belief her family will fund her lifestyle she'll be far more stubborn to change.
Personally I'd only consider lending if they were in real trouble and had taken obvious steps to help themselves, such as selling some valuable items. Booking holidays and eating out all the time certainly isn't an indication of someone who's struggling or willing to cut down. I'm sure she'll use the excuse of doing these things while they still can but that applies to everyone and frankly it's not your job to fund this.
Out of interest what was this unexpected bill?11 -
I haven't read all the replies yet, but I would lend her the £2k and I'd do it like this :-
Sis - can I have £2k please? Unexpected bill etc etc
Me - sure, course you can. You're my sis and I wouldn't want to see you struggling.
Sis - jeez wow, thanks very much.
Me - Meet me at my solicitor's office first thing monday and we'll get something drawn up and signed cos I really can't afford to just give it to you.
Sis - errrrr wait what?
Me - I don't wanna be hard nosed about it but it really would have to be an actual loan. You know, with repayments and dates and stuff set out?
Sis - errrrrrm....... yeah......... no.
Me - ok, your choice. Have a nice holiday. Love you!I removed the shell from my racing snail, but now it's more sluggish than ever.4 -
Im struck by the way you say its what your mum would want you do to help your sister.
Think of it this way- What would your mum want your sister to do? Would she want your sister to continue to be in debt, keep borrowing from you and possibly drag you down with her?4
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