We're aware that some users are experiencing technical issues which the team are working to resolve. See the Community Noticeboard for more info. Thank you for your patience.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

Options
145791016

Comments

  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    easy said:
    My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

    Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

    But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

    My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

    Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

    I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 
    Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?
  • MattMattMattUK
    MattMattMattUK Posts: 11,167 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    Mojisola said:
    easy said:
    My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

    Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

    But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

    My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

    Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

    I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 
    Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?
    She either has an issue with her sister now when she refuses to lend her they money, or an issue with her sister in the future when the sister does not repay her, the choice there is not if, but when. The choice to fall out with her husband is and if choice, she can either throw the £2k away by giving it to her sister and fall out with her husband, or she can not throw the £2k away and not fall out with her husband. 
  • diystarter7
    diystarter7 Posts: 5,202 Forumite
    1,000 Posts First Anniversary Name Dropper
    GiantTCR said:
    Would your husband be willing to be the ogre and say no/take the flak?
    What a terrible and coward advice.

    "Hi, you know that money my wife has inherithed from your mother? Yes, that money I have nothing to do with? I don't want you to have it"

    You want to say no to someone? You grow a pair and do it yourself.
    Hi

    IMO there is no need to pt it like that.
    OP is seeking help, not abuse.

    OP, whatever you decide, please do not forget your OH should come first unless your sis is sleeping on the streets, don't loan and say cant afford to but give her an x amount as a gift to help her out and tell her if you can that it is putting stress on you and your hubby.

    Thanks
  • Roxburgh_rose
    Roxburgh_rose Posts: 32 Forumite
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Posts Name Dropper
    edited 7 December 2022 at 4:24PM
    I lent a similar amount money to my brother a couple of years ago, 'just for a couple of weeks' while he sorted out a minor issue with his UK bank while he was working abroad. I absolutely knew that it would come back to me but it took months. During that time I mentioned the loan a few times as he never raised it or said what he was doing to resolve his problem. I was having some cashflow dramas myself and just needed a timescale to know if I should move some money from savings or wait it out. He did eventually pay the money back but tells me he was deeply hurt by my 'unnecessarily chasing him', as if I didn't trust him. He now hasn't spoken to me for 6 months. I will never lend money again. With hindsight I should have moved the money from my savings, written it off in my head, forgotten it and been delighted when it came back.

    Based on that. In your position (and assuming you can afford not to see the money again), I would give her the £2k. I would frame it as the loan she has requested, expect not to see it come back and be pleasantly surprised should it ever do so.  I would however tell her - I think the best way is plainly - that this 'loan' will be the one and only you will make to her as all of the remaining funds you have are tied up for your own future.
  • Sea_Shell
    Sea_Shell Posts: 10,021 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    easy said:
    Mojisola said:
    easy said:
    My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

    Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

    But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

    My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

    Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

    I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 
    Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?
    My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

    I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 

    At least you've come to a mutual decision.

    Let's hope your sister understands what she's really asking of you, both.

    Please let us all know in the spring, if (or when) repayment is forthcoming 😉
    How's it going, AKA, Nutwatch? - 12 month spends to date = 2.60% of current retirement "pot" (as at end May 2025)
  • sammyjammy
    sammyjammy Posts: 7,950 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    easy said:
    Mojisola said:
    easy said:
    My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

    Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

    But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

    My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

    Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

    I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 
    Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?
    My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

    I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 
    Thats a shame but if its what it takes for you to not feel bad then so be it, just doesn't quite add up to me with the we just put a holiday on a credit card, I feel for sure your £2k is her spending money.  I hope she repays it but it seems unlikely and no doubt you'll fall for a future sob story as well
    "You've been reading SOS when it's just your clock reading 5:05 "
  • I haven't read all the replies yet, but I would lend her the £2k and I'd do it like this :-  

    Sis - can I have £2k please? Unexpected bill etc etc
    Me - sure, course you can. You're my sis and I wouldn't want to see you struggling.
    Sis - jeez wow, thanks very much.
    Me - Meet me at my solicitor's office first thing monday and we'll get something drawn up and signed cos I really can't afford to just give it to you. 
    Sis - errrrr wait what?
    Me - I don't wanna be hard nosed about it but it really would have to be an actual loan. You know, with repayments and dates and stuff set out?
    Sis - errrrrrm....... yeah......... no.
    Me - ok, your choice. Have a nice holiday. Love you!
    I removed the shell from my racing snail, but now it's more sluggish than ever.
  • Im struck by the way you say its what your mum would want you do to help your sister.

    Think of it this way- What would your mum want your sister to do? Would she want your sister to continue to be in debt, keep borrowing from you and possibly drag you down with her?
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 350.9K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 453.5K Spending & Discounts
  • 243.9K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 598.8K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 176.9K Life & Family
  • 257.2K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.6K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.