Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

Sea_Shell

jackieblack said:

easy said:

kinger101 said:

herebeme said:

It’s actually not a kindness to enable her sort of behaviour. Your mum, for all her good intentions, has not helped your sister at all by constantly bailing her out. Don’t make the same mistake. These forums are full of diaries of people that have pulled themselves out of huge debt and transformed their attitude to finances. Anyone can do it, but they won’t do it if there’s an easier way out. 

This!  "Lending" her the money would enable the behaviour she needs to stop.  Tell her you won't be lending her the money because she needs to get a grip of her finances and learn to live within her means.

She is 66 years old. One of my mother's sayings was 'people don't change, they just get more so'. 

I feel I have to lend her this one sum. 
I don't think I'll get it back. 
But that will mean I don't have to lend again, I suppose. 

I think, in your position, if I felt obligated, I wouldn’t lend the whole amount asked for but I would ‘lend’ half the amount (saying that the capital is tied up/ not accessible and that’s all I could manage), but with no expectation of getting it back. Half should be enough to help with the most urgent need but force her to make alternative efforts to help herself. 

IF it ever got repaid (unexpectedly) I might consider lending up to £1000 again in the future, with the same lack of expectation regarding her paying it back. If I never saw the money again, I’d use that as justification for saying no to any future requests. 

I know I said don't lend, but this might be the way to go for this ONE AND ONLY time.    Lend half (or less) and see what happens, but ONLY if you are prepared to never see that £1000 again.     Don't tell them it's a gift, but treat it as one in your head.

It's not much consolation, but at least you got an inheritance, and it hadn't all gone or been given away already.   You could have been disinherited in favour of your "needy" sister.

JReacher1

Flugelhorn said:

easy said:

kinger101 said:

herebeme said:

It’s actually not a kindness to enable her sort of behaviour. Your mum, for all her good intentions, has not helped your sister at all by constantly bailing her out. Don’t make the same mistake. These forums are full of diaries of people that have pulled themselves out of huge debt and transformed their attitude to finances. Anyone can do it, but they won’t do it if there’s an easier way out. 

This!  "Lending" her the money would enable the behaviour she needs to stop.  Tell her you won't be lending her the money because she needs to get a grip of her finances and learn to live within her means.

She is 66 years old. One of my mother's sayings was 'people don't change, they just get more so'. 

I feel I have to lend her this one sum. 
I don't think I'll get it back. 
But that will mean I don't have to lend again, I suppose. 

Remember  to your sister the loss of your relationship with you will mean far less than it does to you

This is nonsense. You have no way of knowing whether this is true. 

Flugelhorn

Sea_Shell said:

It's not much consolation, but at least you got an inheritance, and it hadn't all gone or been given away already.   You could have been disinherited in favour of your "needy" sister.

that is a good point I have seen some real bleaters in families, tugging at the parents' heart strings - always the risk that they will leave them more in the will "because the others don't need it"

Pollycat

Say 'no' - unless you can afford to write off the £2k and the next amount she asks for too.
She is not your responsibility.
I have 2 sisters.
One asked us to be guarantors for a mortgage as though she was asking to borrow a fiver.
We said no.
The other sister also needed help with a mortgage.
She didn't ask us but we knew she was going to make a financial decision that would be expensive.
We offered to lend her the money.
She paid every penny back 

tetrarch

I would not loan at all.

She says that she needs £2,000. If you can afford it I would GIVE her the £2,000 as a gift. Make it very clear that it is a gift and that that is it, no more, ever. You could have a conversation at the time about budgetting and LWYM, but that can be a difficult conversation to have.

That makes a very clear line in the sand, you have helped when asked, generously, but that is it. This way, you should get to maintain your relationship without any awkward "repayment" questions in the future.

Regards

Tet

MattMattMattUK

Never lend money to people that you cannot afford to lose (both the money and the people). People who need money and have run out of the traditional borrowing routes, overdrafts, cards, loans etc. rarely if ever have the ability to pay money they borrow from individuals back. I have seen friendships destroyed by so called friends refusing to pay back money borrowed, it never ends well. 

macman

Assuming she won't pay it back (and you are in a better position to make that judgement than anyone commenting), you are going to fall out with her anyway once she defaults.
So it's entirely your call as to whether you want the falling out to be then, with you minus £2k, or now, without her owing you anything.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

suggest a zero interest credit card, or has she maybe maxed out any she had?

cymruchris

A sister borrowed money from my parents after they received an inheritance that ended up running into the tens of thousands. It was never paid back. It ended up quite acrimonious after my mum passed, and my dad finally said 'no', following which he was cut off until he too passed. How much money do you want to lose before saying 'no' and still being cut-off? You can say 'no' now, get cut-off and lose nothing but the family member - or you could loan money today, again in 6 months, again in a year - and then say 'no' and still lose the family member but also be a few thousand out of pocket. Once you say 'yes' the demands and requests will never stop. 

tooldle

When people show you 'who they are', believe them. I have a sibling with similar behaviour i.e. used our mum as a cash point for years until my having POA for mum cut off his supply of funds. 
I find a firm 'no' works well.