Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

herebeme

One more thing to consider.  You say your sister’s husband has Alzheimer’s? Caring for someone with dementia is very expensive, I care for my parents each with a different type at different stages, and manage their finances, and the financial cost is breath-taking. The equipment, the carers (or care home), the hundreds of little things across the year that come up. Then there’s the mental and time cost, sorting out care, working out what the NHS/LA will cover or not, dealing with all the ups and downs.  Your sister sounds like the type of person that will dump as much of this on you as she can, and if you feel guilty saying ‘no’ now, how are you going to feel when she’s begging you for £100 a month for incontinence pants for her husband? Or when the care home is threatening to evict her husband because she hasn’t paid the bills? You’ll end up paying for everything, and have nothing left for you or your husband. 

I would honestly, try and spend or lock up your money now, and practice saying ‘no’, because you’re going to need to say it a lot more in future. 

diystarter7

easy said:

kinger101 said:

herebeme said:

It’s actually not a kindness to enable her sort of behaviour. Your mum, for all her good intentions, has not helped your sister at all by constantly bailing her out. Don’t make the same mistake. These forums are full of diaries of people that have pulled themselves out of huge debt and transformed their attitude to finances. Anyone can do it, but they won’t do it if there’s an easier way out. 

This!  "Lending" her the money would enable the behaviour she needs to stop.  Tell her you won't be lending her the money because she needs to get a grip of her finances and learn to live within her means.

She is 66 years old. One of my mother's sayings was 'people don't change, they just get more so'. 

I feel I have to lend her this one sum. 
I don't think I'll get it back. 
But that will mean I don't have to lend again, I suppose. 

Hi

Sort of what I said - we were prepared to lend many k's initially and then reduced that - we were going to lend on a basis that i she can't repay, we will manage. 

I'm not sure why some people are a bit shameless, no offence op, shameless in the sense of wanting to borrow money and not having the ability to spend what you have.

Though sis fell out with us for a short while as per the previous post she knew she was wrong and now talking.

I don't have fear of saying no to anyone - we never asked.  If one of my family was defrauded, not well, etc then I would give them money but I am against lending as it teaches people to stand on their own two feet just like most of us .

We gave away hundreds of thousands, we are not rich gave it to our kids and only gave it to them as they were not living hand to mouth or in debt other than a mortgage or two for their main property and or a rental.

At times its best to be hard to be kind for the longer term.

Thnaks 

Clive_Woody

easy said:

kinger101 said:

herebeme said:

It’s actually not a kindness to enable her sort of behaviour. Your mum, for all her good intentions, has not helped your sister at all by constantly bailing her out. Don’t make the same mistake. These forums are full of diaries of people that have pulled themselves out of huge debt and transformed their attitude to finances. Anyone can do it, but they won’t do it if there’s an easier way out. 

This!  "Lending" her the money would enable the behaviour she needs to stop.  Tell her you won't be lending her the money because she needs to get a grip of her finances and learn to live within her means.

She is 66 years old. One of my mother's sayings was 'people don't change, they just get more so'. 

I feel I have to lend her this one sum. 
I don't think I'll get it back. 
But that will mean I don't have to lend again, I suppose. 

Forgive me for being blunt, but it sounds like your sister saw your mum as a cash point, right up until your mum ran out of money. She has now blown her inheritance and knows you got the same so is lining you up as her new cash point.

There will be one sob story, urgent bill, desperate need to get more cash out of you until you run out or finally say no. Save yourself the anguish and financial loss and say no now. Delaying the inevitable will prolong the stress and sounds like it will affect your relationship with your husband.

sourpuss2021

While obviously there is plenty to agree with in all the replies, it is also very obvious that OP has worded his original post in a prejudicial and lopsided way which is designed to elicit precisely the chorus of voices against the sister that it has done.    

Maybe there is more to it, and we haven't been given all of the information here!

diystarter7

sourpuss2021 said:

While obviously there is plenty to agree with in all the replies, it is also very obvious that OP has worded his original post in a prejudicial and lopsided way which is designed to elicit precisely the chorus of voices against the sister that it has done.    

Maybe there is more to it, and we haven't been given all of the information here!

There was no need for  your unconstructive  post as it is insensitive and uncalled for

Clive_Woody

sourpuss2021 said:

While obviously there is plenty to agree with in all the replies, it is also very obvious that OP has worded his original post in a prejudicial and lopsided way which is designed to elicit precisely the chorus of voices against the sister that it has done.    

Maybe there is more to it, and we haven't been given all of the information here!

Pretty sure the OP is a "she" based on the reference to her husband (not 100% I conceded). She also clearly describes how her sister treated her mother with constant requests for money. 

No doubt we don't have every scrap of information, but what has been shared suggests this is far from unexpected based on historical evidence.

silvercar

You either say no this time, or next time or the time after. The question is how much money you want to lose before saying no. 

GaleSF63

If you give her the money now, it doesn't matter what you say and how firmly you say no, she will be back, (fairly soon probably) and you will be in the same position - ie giving her more money, saying "this is the last time". But it won't be.

jackieblack

easy said:

kinger101 said:

herebeme said:

It’s actually not a kindness to enable her sort of behaviour. Your mum, for all her good intentions, has not helped your sister at all by constantly bailing her out. Don’t make the same mistake. These forums are full of diaries of people that have pulled themselves out of huge debt and transformed their attitude to finances. Anyone can do it, but they won’t do it if there’s an easier way out. 

This!  "Lending" her the money would enable the behaviour she needs to stop.  Tell her you won't be lending her the money because she needs to get a grip of her finances and learn to live within her means.

She is 66 years old. One of my mother's sayings was 'people don't change, they just get more so'. 

I feel I have to lend her this one sum. 
I don't think I'll get it back. 
But that will mean I don't have to lend again, I suppose. 

I think, in your position, if I felt obligated, I wouldn’t lend the whole amount asked for but I would ‘lend’ half the amount (saying that the capital is tied up/ not accessible and that’s all I could manage), but with no expectation of getting it back. Half should be enough to help with the most urgent need but force her to make alternative efforts to help herself. 

IF it ever got repaid (unexpectedly) I might consider lending up to £1000 again in the future, with the same lack of expectation regarding her paying it back. If I never saw the money again, I’d use that as justification for saying no to any future requests. 

Flugelhorn

easy said:

kinger101 said:

herebeme said:

It’s actually not a kindness to enable her sort of behaviour. Your mum, for all her good intentions, has not helped your sister at all by constantly bailing her out. Don’t make the same mistake. These forums are full of diaries of people that have pulled themselves out of huge debt and transformed their attitude to finances. Anyone can do it, but they won’t do it if there’s an easier way out. 

This!  "Lending" her the money would enable the behaviour she needs to stop.  Tell her you won't be lending her the money because she needs to get a grip of her finances and learn to live within her means.

She is 66 years old. One of my mother's sayings was 'people don't change, they just get more so'. 

I feel I have to lend her this one sum. 
I don't think I'll get it back. 
But that will mean I don't have to lend again, I suppose. 

Your mum was right - people get more selfish, more me me me and if she hasn't paid back before then she won't now. I wouldn't lend it but if you feel that lending it now gives you the basis on which to clearly say in the future (when she asks for more money)

"I loaned your 2K, you haven't paid that back yet" 

Rinse and repeat until she gets the message.

Remember  to your sister the loss of your relationship with you will mean far less than it does to you