Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

Vegastare

easy said:

Boat_to_Bolivia said:

I really don't think you should lend her the money, so the question of how you say this is the first and last time, would be moot.

Do you really think she will repay you?

In all honesty,  probably not.  She used to borrow money from Mum  ...  a few months later Mum would give me some money,  saying my sis had borrowd this much,  and wasn't going to pay it back,  so she gave me the same amount to make sure it was fair.  
In the end Mum had to say no,  cos she didn't have liquid assets left.

Really you have answered the question, via your late Mum.  The the end your Mum had to say no to her daughter, I am certain that too was an awful decision for her to make, but she did.  I also think that your Mum struggled with your sister and her borrowing from her, by feeling she needed to balance things out with you for the money she knew your sister was not repaying.

I realize it is a very heart sinking moment to deny your sister, but you need to tell her you cannot lend her the money and if she questions you, just say you are aware of the issue when Mum lent her money and you don't want to be in that situation.

Finally this is not going to be a one off, it wasn't with your Mum and it won't be for you.

T.T.D

I wouldn’t lend her it. 

She’s a shopaholic who can’t see passed ££££ notes to burn on her own wants at a whim.

She’s not planner, there is no plan, she’s a do it first and to hell if she can’t afford it after to repay anyone and be shameless in asking for more with more excuses. 

My ex was the same, pull out the violins and the Im going starving from an unexpected bill then use the “lent” money to fund her lifestyle. 

Saying no obviously cause you some anxiety but it will save you thousands in the long run whilst putting a firm line where she cannot cross. 

Don’t do it. 

theoretica

Would your husband be willing to be the ogre and say no/take the flak?

MalMonroe

easy said:

OK, here goes... 
My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 
A few years ago she had to sell her big-ish house because she could no longer meet the mortgage payments.  Building soc forced the sale. 

She retired early due to disability,  her husband now has Alzheimer's,  which is progressing quite quickly. 
Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

Since then I put my money away -  I want to buy a bungalow when I retire,  hopefully in the next 3 - 5 years. I'm still supporting my student son,  so still working full time aged 62.
Sister has had several short holidays in the last 18 months since Mum died , plus one VERY big one,  and about to go abroad on an expensive holiday for 2 weeks over christmas.  She also goes out for meals a lot.  She says they need to go out and on hols while they still can.
But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan .
My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself.   But I can't really say no at this stage - I know my mum would say don't leave her high and dry in a panic. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful  

Any ideas ??

Well the way I look at it is that your sister has every right to ask anyone for anything at all. So, she has a perfect right to ask you to lend her money.

But - on the other hand, you have every right to say NO. Do not feel guilty, do not feel beholden. You CAN say no. In your place I would say no.

Not even this -

"Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more"."  Because you know that  it won't be a one time only event and that you are not going to get it back.

My own Mum always said, about lending, "don't lend anything to anyone unless you are prepared to never see it again. Whether it's a garden spade, a cup of sugar, your best diamond necklace or a lump sum of money". 

You don't even have to make any excuses.  

You do not have to fall out or get resentful at all. All you have to do is to say no, that wouldn't be a good idea for you at this, or any other time - and keep repeating that. (Broken record response, often used in business.) Stand strong.

You don't want to, so you shouldn't. 

JReacher1

Your sister needs £2k urgently and she has asked you for help.  You have £2k so if you care for your sister then lend her the £2k.

If your sister doesn't repay you as promised then don't lend her any more money again.  

Until she has actually borrowed money from you and not repaid it then I don't really see what the issue is.  You seem to be assuming she won't pay you back which may not be fair (only you really know the situation).

diystarter7

Hi OP
We've never had any money from anyone and are happy but we have gifted money to our kids because they did not ask for it and if they did, they would not have got it.

A sis of mine, quiet rich got into a bit of a bother and they were asking all of us siblings, cousins you name it. Me and Mrs Diy agreed to 35k and it was based on an amount we could stomach if she did not return it ie go bankrupt as their business was in big trouble.  As the dosh was on a fixed deposit and notice was required, we noted they, sis and her kids were still spending money like we can only dream about. We, therefore, decided to lend only 20k, she fell out wish us for a few months and did not ask for the money and thankfully back on their feet but spending a lot - we are friends again

Only lend what you can afford to lose and keep some in reserve if.when they go belly up

Good luck

ellenvan

It will not be a one-time event - so probably say no. Use your OH as an excuse if need be. Or as others have suggested say you have checked and all money tied up at the moment to get better interest rates.

If you do go down the route of giving her money - Pay the bill or whatever she needs it for directly then you know she is not just using it for buying clothes or other non- essentials.

Boat_to_Bolivia

JReacher1 said:

Your sister needs £2k urgently and she has asked you for help.  You have £2k so if you care for your sister then lend her the £2k.

If your sister doesn't repay you as promised then don't lend her any more money again.  

Until she has actually borrowed money from you and not repaid it then I don't really see what the issue is.  You seem to be assuming she won't pay you back which may not be fair (only you really know the situation).

Have you actually read all the thread? Does she really need the money urgently or is she just living beyond her means?

She constantly borrowed from her mother until 'mum' had nothing left to give. The sister lives beyond her means, maxed out credit cards and large mortgage etc..yet you advise the OP to give her money with no hope of it being repaid???

She never paid her mother back, so why do you think she will pay her sister back?

easy

theoretica said:

Would your husband be willing to be the ogre and say no/take the flak?

No,  just had that discussion.   If he did end up doing it,  he would tell her in full detail what he thinks of how she has lived her life.  
That would definitely close the door on my relationship with my sister,  and my mother would never have wanted that. 

74jax

What is the unexpected bill?  Are you sure its unexpected or is it a normal bill and your sister would rather have a holiday and you pay it?
How does she plan on paying you back - do you know her income is more than her outgoings so she can?