Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

Sncjw

If it's an unexpected bill maybe you could ask her for the details and you pay the bill yourself then you will see if it's genuilly needed or if it's to pay for her holiday spends 

NCC1701-A

easy said:

Mojisola said:

easy said:

My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 

Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?

My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 

Will you be asking for collateral for the loan, like does she have a second car, or mega Telly, or posh jewellery?

cymruchris

easy said:

Mojisola said:

easy said:

My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 

Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?

My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 

I think you'd likely made up your mind to give the money before even starting the thread. There have been numerous shared experiences of family that have lost more than money as a result of some taking financial advantage of others. (Mine included) At least with all of these views shared you are going into this with your eyes open that you possibly (even likely) will never see the money back, and will be asked for more, then more, then more. 

At some point (if it's not now) the decision will NEED to be taken to say no. When that happens - that'll likely be the nice sisterly relationship down the tube and gone forever. (Which is why I'd rather say no now, and have the money still in the bank - than say no in 12 months time when I was £5k down by then)

There'll also likely be resentment for years to come on both sides. 

It's a difficult position to be in - that I do understand. But they really do need to learn how to manage their money, even at this late stage in life.

I think your suggestion that she will 'need' to sell some things to pay back the money will be ignored. 

There's no easy way to 'force' anyone to pay back a family loan - even if you had it in writing with signatures. Yes you could go all legal and send threatening letters from a solicitor, but you'd not likely get very far.

As you've decided to hand over the dosh (with you thinking there'll be a serious talk - but your sis will just nod her head if she's going to get the money) - there is a tiny, tiny chance that she might pay it back - no matter how unlikely it seems. It would be nice to find out a few months down the line if her spending habits have changed, and indeed she has begun returning the money. I hope you'll update us either way further down the line as the outcome (whatever it happens to be) might be useful for those in a similar position to read about in future. So I hope it'll go well, that she will 'learn' and become financially responsible, and that you'll get your money back in your desired timescale.

Silvertabby

Sis is 66.  Has she applied for her State pension?

pinkshoes

easy said:

My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 

He "accepted" it?

Sounds to me like lending the money (which I think is a BIG mistake) will cause a resentment between you and your husband.

Your sister has been bailed out by your mum time and time again. She clearly hasn't learned her lesson. 

I'm a teacher and kids learn by making mistakes. If you lend your sister the money, then how is she EVER going to learn? 

I would suggest if your sister has some jewellery and items of value, that she sells some of these to raise the funds. Does she have anything else of value she can sell? Can she cancel the holiday and get a refund?

Has she explained in detail what this "unexpected bill" is, because most people don't just get unexpected bills like that.

I would also go as far as make her sign a contract detailing exactly WHEN she is going to pay it back, because from what you have said, this money isn't going to materialise, so it won't actually be a loan but a gift. 

Boat_to_Bolivia

OP, as others have said, I think your mind was made up to give her the money before you even started the thread.

It's your choice obviously, but I really hope you have taken heed of some of the opinions/advice given, which on balance seems to be, don't give her the money.

Please do update the thread and let 'us' know what happens.

Pollycat

easy said:

Mojisola said:

easy said:

My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 

Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?

My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 

If you intend to go ahead with this loan, depending on the value of the jewellery she took without asking you (which to me speaks volumes), I would be inclined to have her lodge jewellery to the value of the loan with you.
To be kept by you if she defaults on the payments.

JReacher1

cymruchris said:

easy said:

Mojisola said:

easy said:

My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 

Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?

My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 

I think you'd likely made up your mind to give the money before even starting the thread. 

If you read the OP's post you will see that she was not seeking advice as to whether she should give the £2k but on advice as to how to emphasise this is the only time she will lend her sister the money.

Ath_Wat

NCC1701-A said:

easy said:

Mojisola said:

easy said:

My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 

Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?

My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 

Will you be asking for collateral for the loan, like does she have a second car, or mega Telly, or posh jewellery?

If taking collateral try not to do what I did when loaning money to a family member in about 2012.  They gave me a painting worth a few thousand pounds.  
A year or so later, unfortunately, the painting was worthless.  It was by Rolf Harris.

silvercar

JReacher1 said:

cymruchris said:

easy said:

Mojisola said:

easy said:

My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 

Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan

My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful 

Who is more important to you - your sister or your husband?

My husband,  without a shadow of a doubt.   He and I have had a long talk,  and he has accepted that I will lend her the money. He understands why,  out of regard for Mum,  who wouldn't have left her in a mess  (even tho' it is her own fault).   

I'm also planning to have a VERY honest and straightforward chat with sis before I hand over the money,  about how quickly she has spent the inheritance, and including telling her that if I'm not paid back by end of March latest,  she will have to sell some things (including some of Mum's jewellery which she decided to keep without asking me), to get the money together. 

I think you'd likely made up your mind to give the money before even starting the thread. 

If you read the OP's post you will see that she was not seeking advice as to whether she should give the £2k but on advice as to how to emphasise this is the only time she will lend her sister the money.

Fair point. I would be inclined to say it how it is without making excuses. If you say this is one time only because money is tied up or you have large expenses soon, she will wait until those have past before asking again. If you say you are only doing this  as a one off, with no caveats she may understand.