Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

tetrarch

I believe that this s a bad decision. Your husband has "agreed", but the loan will hang over your relationship until it is repaid, which maybe never.

You've guilted yourself into helping and now will create an issue that hang over all of your heads, potentially forever

I genuinely hope that it works out for you, the opinions that you have seen above would suggest otherwise

Regards

Tet

diystarter7

easy said:

diystarter7 said:

Hi

The highlighted bit. It never starts when one is in their 60's etc this starts at a much younger age from what I have seen, ie bailing out, living hand to mouth, living beyond ones means, and paying masses of unnecessary interest. When people like this are given an educational talk, they are dismissive and rude at times.

IMO, once you are over a certain age and always lived like this, there is little one can do to change them.

Thanks

I agree,  nothing is going to change how she lives now,  altho her husband's condition is declining,  so the holidays will have to stop,  as he struggles to cope with different places etc.  I know there will be care costs -  and so does my sister.

I've had the conversation,  I've said I will lend this one time,  but I'm not comfortable with it,  I wish she hadn't asked me, and I don't want her to ask me again.  I've said that if she does ask again,  I WILL say no.  
She knows I would like to work part time but currently can't afford to,  and I've told her I won't carry on working to support her.  I refuse to be put in a position where I resent her.  (I didn't say that I recognise this may make her resent me, but that's her problem). 

If I don't get this loan back,  then so be it.  But I'm absolutely definite that there won't be any more.  I won't fall for any sob-stories or guilt trips -  I've made that promise to my husband,  and now to you lot too.  

Hi

Many thanks for updating us.
I'm glad you are looking at a certain age thing like me.

You have a good plan - long thread but you may recall my sis asked for all of those k's and more, but it never went through as we decided to offer less, so never formally asked again.

It is easier said than done, IE say no to a loved one, especially if they are desperate via overspending and living the good life but there comes a time when a no means no and hopefully it does the trick.

Only lend money one can afford to lose. Saying no now may actually help them and if they go under and it can happen then at least if you/we have cash, we can help them not to sleep on the streets.

I've noted just not re cash if one keeps on saying yes, even if it for years and years, as soon as you say no, they fall out - IMHO, best to say no ealy - but easier said than done

Good luck OP and I hope sis gets the message

Thanks

diystarter7

london21 said:

I think she will lend this time and come again.

Eventually tough love it will have to be because the economy and things are getting tougher. 

Hi

The OP was gong to lend all along but wanted to discuss. IMO, I doubt OP will lend after this lot but will help out if sis ever ends up on the streets and no one wants that to happen to anyone - see my previous post for more to this if you wish

Thanks

Pollycat

tetrarch said:

I believe that this s a bad decision. Your husband has "agreed", but the loan will hang over your relationship until it is repaid, which maybe never.

You've guilted yourself into helping and now will create an issue that hang over all of your heads, potentially forever

I genuinely hope that it works out for you, the opinions that you have seen above would suggest otherwise

Regards

Tet

I think if I was in the same circumstances i.e. my husband had been asked to lend money to his sibling, I'd respect his decision (as the money is coming out of an inheritance rather than shared savings).
But I would expect him to keep his promise that this will be the last time.

I too would probably be 'incandescent with rage' at the poor money management over so many years.

GrumpyDil

I would not lend money to a family member because of past experience.

That said if my wife choose to 'lend' money in similar circumstances I would support the decision even if not being happy with it. 

diystarter7

GrumpyDil said:

I would not lend money to a family member because of past experience.

That said if my wife choose to 'lend' money in similar circumstances I would support the decision even if not being happy with it. 

Even if the 'lend' was once a year or so and never got it back and what to you is a fair chunk.

I've never lent any money other than years ago to a sister her family when their business crashed. This was a good 30 years ago i think and they borrowed from all siblings and others - I think it was 3k but in a worse case scenario  we could handle the loss of the money. We got the money back 2 years later they did offer it back about a year later and i told them to pay everyone else of then us last. They lost the business to massive increases in interest rates were shooting up and they have bought many new lorries on hp a few years before - this was early 80's i I think  was pretty young but married - it felt like a risk but i just knew we would get money back at the time it was easier as we lived with my parents they too lent money..

There are right and wrong reasons to lend money i would never really lend to family, or anyone that was flashing their cash but could not afford it unless they ended up on the streets,

We are all different.

Thanks

london21

diystarter7 said:

london21 said:

I think she will lend this time and come again.

Eventually tough love it will have to be because the economy and things are getting tougher. 

Hi

The OP was gong to lend all along but wanted to discuss. IMO, I doubt OP will lend after this lot but will help out if sis ever ends up on the streets and no one wants that to happen to anyone - see my previous post for more to this if you wish

Thanks

True, OP's life, money and choice. 

Gycraig

GiantTCR said:

2 things:

First, you'll never see the money again if you lend it to your sister

Second, your husband should just shut the hell up because it's your inheritance money, not his.

I don’t understand this ? Plenty of people share EVERYTHING mine and my wife’s income goes into same account and we spend from it, I have earned more than her she has earned more than Me. 

Chances are at some point in the future we will both inherit money, it will be OUR money not the partners whose parents died money. 

If my wife was “lending” our money to her sister who was living above her means having nice holidays etc. Despite having a history of not paying her mum back I think I would be quite angry tbh. 

Sea_Shell

@easy

Did you get to the bottom of what the loan was for and what the "emergency" was?

VeeWSelburn

easy said:

OK, here goes... 
My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 
A few years ago she had to sell her big-ish house because she could no longer meet the mortgage payments.  Building soc forced the sale. 

She retired early due to disability,  her husband now has Alzheimer's,  which is progressing quite quickly. 
Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

Since then I put my money away -  I want to buy a bungalow when I retire,  hopefully in the next 3 - 5 years. I'm still supporting my student son,  so still working full time aged 62.
Sister has had several short holidays in the last 18 months since Mum died , plus one VERY big one,  and about to go abroad on an expensive holiday for 2 weeks over christmas.  She also goes out for meals a lot.  She says they need to go out and on hols while they still can.
But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan .
My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself.   But I can't really say no at this stage - I know my mum would say don't leave her high and dry in a panic. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful  

Any ideas ??

Just don't do it. As others have suggested, tell her that your money is in a long term investment if you feel comfortable lying about it, which you should not have to do, or just flatly refuse her. I have been in your position and my refusal to lend my sister any money did not lose me my sister. Our relationship was tense for a while, but that blew over. She's only asking you because she knows you have money. Remind her that your money needs to sustain your lifestyle in the future, that you know she will not be able to pay it back, if she has to borrow money now. Tell her she's being unkind putting you in such a position of risking your relationship. She needs a strong dose of common sense. You need to give it because her request is affecting you directly. She's spent her cash. It's gone. She cannot ask you to fund her pleasures. She's a grown-up. She needs to control her spending. If you give her money you are not helping her to do that; you are encouraging her to spend!