Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

strawb_shortcake

I never told my siblings when we came into a large sum, it's bad enough they know I earn fairly well, far better than themselves but I would never lend them money.

Gycraig

Exodi said:

easy said:

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

The fact that you are mentioning that you can't afford to lose the initial loan and are already considering future requests speaks volumes.

I've been there, got the t shirt.

You quickly find when lending money (to anyone) that you are gods gift to Earth when you're considering giving them the loan, they'll give you the money back yesterday, they just cannot put into words how appreciative they are. You feel like you've done a real good deed, helped them out of a tight spot.

But this quickly fades. The attitude quickly changes... and it always does. Now you're the villian:

"you know I have no money, it's not my fault my car broke-down!"
"the only time you want to talk to me is chasing me for money, don't you care about anything else?"
"i'll pay it back when I have money OK, stop asking me for it"

I have found this unfortunately common. Watch any broadcast about debt - whether it be about a court case, an eviction due to rent arrears, credit card spending, it doesn't particularly matter the circumstance - you will notice that the borrower nearly always feels like they are the victim.

I think a lot of people find it far easier to blame others for their problems, than accept responsibility.

Every time. Took out a 3k loan for my mate to get a car for work and he was gonna pay the loan back to me. 

Yer we don’t speak anymore, exact same series of events. Sadly you need to experience it yourself for it to sink in really 

Claddagh_Noir

I would only lend money if I expect to never to see it again. Consider it £'s best or worst spent depending on your optimistic or pessimistic perspective.

I have had countless family members asking me to 'lend' them money. I have just said that it is tied up in an investment account that can't be touched for however many years.  I would never lend anyone thousands or hundreds of pounds because that suggests to me they would have a cat in heck's chance of paying me back in either a lump sum or instalments as well as maintaining their other financial commitments.  I have even had colleagues ask me to order things from a mail order catalogue.  I said 'Fine, pay for  the item in full first and then you can have it!' They thought they could get it on BNPL, so they did not continue with the request! This lending of money, think of it like taking out a consolidation loan to pay off their debts but the debtor does not close off their other debts - they continue overspending, pay the minimum payments on them and then pay the loan as well.

If the bank or line of credit will not touch or trust them, I certainly won't.  People ask others to lend money because they probably see them as a soft touch because they won't charge interest, no contract is drawn up and signed and there is no strict criteria to meet, just emotional blackmail, a sob story / manipulation.

An in-law has bailed out a relative recently, the debtor had just came back off holiday and was practically homeless. First red flag.   Why didn't the other holidaymakers put this person up?   Second red flag!  No one else in the family is talking or has anything to do with this borrower.  Third red flag.  The in-law is out by £700 pounds and lo and behold the borrower is not answering their phone - prior to getting the money, they were around all the time like a bad smell.  Surprise surprise!!

However, it's your money, your choice. 

MrsStepford

Don't do it. She won't change her spots. You can tell her that you've invested it and that it's tied up. Remind her that she had her inheritance and spent it and she doesn't get to spend the money you want to give to your son. If you lend her money, you won't get it back. If your husband is upset now, he would be way worse if you ignored his request and put your errant sister before him and your son. Your sister hasn't learned to be frugal. That's not your problem. 

the-mrs

Only lend what you can afford to lose. If it was my brother, I would tell him no and deal with his reaction to that however necessary.

sheramber

MrsStepford said:

Don't do it. She won't change her spots. You can tell her that you've invested it and that it's tied up. Remind her that she had her inheritance and spent it and she doesn't get to spend the money you want to give to your son. If you lend her money, you won't get it back. If your husband is upset now, he would be way worse if you ignored his request and put your errant sister before him and your son. Your sister hasn't learned to be frugal. That's not your problem. 

You are too late. The OP stated on 8 December that she had agreed to lend the money.

lr1277

I have only just seen this thread and so am late to the party.

I have a couple of observations/questions.

1) For those saying, it has nothing to do with your husband, it was your inheritance, why doesn't that work in divorce proceedings? My observation from reading a few threads on here regarding divorce, all marital asets are fair game for the split. One person cannot say, I got this from my parent so you can't have it in the divorce. Would a court agree to that? Probably not, in which case the OP's husband should have equal say in how the money is spent? To which he did and he agreed to the loan.

2) Did the OP's sister know that her mother had given the OP money when the sister had not paid any loans back? I understand the OP has lent the money, but if the OP genuinely wanted not to lend, could that not have been used as a reason? Did the OP's mother lending the sister money and giving the OP money diminish her own lifestyle? I guess we will never know.

Edited: to add words around OP's husband agreeing to the loan.

SusieT

lr1277 said:

I have only just seen this thread and so am late to the party.

I have a couple of observations/questions.

1) For those saying, it has nothing to do with your husband, it was your inheritance, why doesn't that work in divorce proceedings? My observation from reading a few threads on here regarding divorce, all marital asets are fair game for the split. One person cannot say, I got this from my parent so you can't have it in the divorce. Would a court agree to that? Probably not, in which case the OP's husband should have equal say in how the money is spent? To which he did and he agreed to the loan.

2) Did the OP's sister know that her mother had given the OP money when the sister had not paid any loans back? I understand the OP has lent the money, but if the OP genuinely wanted not to lend, could that not have been used as a reason? Did the OP's mother lending the sister money and giving the OP money diminish her own lifestyle? I guess we will never know.

Edited: to add words around OP's husband agreeing to the loan.

sheramber said: 

You are too late. The OP stated on 8 December that she had agreed to lend the money.

See post from Sheramber

Sea_Shell

easy said:

She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan.

@easy

As you decided to lend the money (back in mid-December), what were the timescales involved and agreed, as you'd mentioned in the OP that it would be "early next year".   So...now/soon?

Is she making all the right noises about repaying you, soon, or have you mentally written off the money?

Maybe she's paid it back already. 

lr1277

SusieT said:

lr1277 said:

I have only just seen this thread and so am late to the party.

I have a couple of observations/questions.

1) For those saying, it has nothing to do with your husband, it was your inheritance, why doesn't that work in divorce proceedings? My observation from reading a few threads on here regarding divorce, all marital asets are fair game for the split. One person cannot say, I got this from my parent so you can't have it in the divorce. Would a court agree to that? Probably not, in which case the OP's husband should have equal say in how the money is spent? To which he did and he agreed to the loan.

2) Did the OP's sister know that her mother had given the OP money when the sister had not paid any loans back? I understand the OP has lent the money, but if the OP genuinely wanted not to lend, could that not have been used as a reason? Did the OP's mother lending the sister money and giving the OP money diminish her own lifestyle? I guess we will never know.

Edited: to add words around OP's husband agreeing to the loan.

sheramber said: 

You are too late. The OP stated on 8 December that she had agreed to lend the money.

See post from Sheramber

I did thanks.

I think I asked some fair questions.

1) If money comes into the marriage irrespective of source like earnings, lottery win or inheritance, why don't both partners in the marriage get to decide how it is spent?

2) Did the OP's sister know that their mother had given the OP money to make up for the fact that she had not paid her mother back?

Edited: to make 2nd point clearer. I hope.