Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

Debbie9009

Op, for what it’s worth I think you are making the right decision.  I have a friend who sounds a lot like your Sister and the requests for money never stop until you stop lending.

You have said you feel like you are pulling the rug out from under her feet, you are not, the only reason she is in this position is due to overspending and it is not your responsibility to bail her out.  She is really not being fair asking for money again.

You may already be aware of this, but it’s likely that in the coming weeks/months you will get a lot of guilt trips, comments on how difficult life is for her, if only she had just a little more money, how she doesn’t have money for bills etc etc.  If and when that happens, my advice would be to remind yourself of all the holidays she has taken etc. 

You sound like the sort of person who if you had lots of spare money would help, or if she were in this position through no fault of her own also would help. This is a very different situation she is only in this position because she constantly overspends and you only have money because you have been sensible and saved for your retirement, please don’t let her take your hard work from you.

Stay strong, 

elsien

You don’t need to make excuses as to why are you don’t want to lend. 

But you could actually direct your sister to the debt free wannabee section of the board. There are other debt solutions that she could consider depending on her individual circumstances (DMP for example) rather than trying to borrow her way out of debt, which clearly hasn’t worked.
Or point her towards stepchange, one of the other free debt advise charities for a similar conversation. 

Malthusian

If you won the lottery your sister would run the debts all the way back up again, then ask you for more. 

This is the reason most lottery jackpot wins disappear within a couple of years.

I am going to ask her what jewellery/assets she has  (I don't know whether she still has mother's rings).  We might buy some from her if there is anything worth anything.  

Why? You can't afford them. You need the money for your bungalow and your retirement.

Spending it on some jewellery from her would put you in almost the same position as if you just "lent" her the money. You wouldn't get much of it back by selling them on the open market.

I have a vision of your sister offering to either borrow money against her house (the one she is trying to get equity release against) or sell you a share. She would be well aware that there is no way you are going to foreclose on her and make her "homeless". So you would be in exactly the same position as if you'd lent it unsecured. (Anyone with the brass bits to force their sister to sell her home in order to get their money back would not lend it in the first place.) 

The only thing that might stop her is that it might block her attempts to get a formal mortgage against it.

subjecttocontract

I'm always amazed how some people just don't seem capable of saying no. They want to say no, they really do, but they are worried about the consequencies of doing it. They don't want to cause offence, bad feeling or upset.

In this case the person knows if they spend all their money then there is probably going to be a family member who will roll over and lend them some of theirs.

You'll probably never see the £2K ever again. Be brave, bite the bullet and say no.

prettyandfluffy

silvercar said:

Very calm and balanced. I’d be inclined to follow up with a friendly text, so her memory doesn’t play tricks on her.

something like, “ as I said yesterday, I will lend you the money this time, but know that it is difficult for me and this really is a one off, so please don’t put me in an awkward position by asking again.”

I think that the sister is oblivious to the fact that she is putting people in a difficult position, she clearly is not embarrassed by asking. I would put it a bit more strongly and say something like "can I please restate that this is the last time I will lend you money, please don't ask again because the answer will be NO".

HappyDad8

Your situation is challenging, and it's important to maintain good relations with your sister. You can consider saying something like, 'I'm willing to help this time, but I need you to understand that I can't afford to do this on a regular basis. We both have our own financial responsibilities.' This way, you're setting a boundary while showing your willingness to assist this one time.

Mojisola

Apart from asking you for more money, has she done anything to help herself?

Send her a link to the free debt advice charities - www.gov.uk/debt-advice

Pollycat

HappyDad8 said:

Your situation is challenging, and it's important to maintain good relations with your sister. You can consider saying something like, 'I'm willing to help this time, but I need you to understand that I can't afford to do this on a regular basis. We both have our own financial responsibilities.' This way, you're setting a boundary while showing your willingness to assist this one time.

Why do you think it's important for the OP to maintain good relations with her sister?
Do you think the sister is maintaining good relations with the OP by asking to borrow money?
Read the original post.
It's very illuminating.
It shows how the sister has spent her inheritance from her mother (which sounds like a fair amount of money).
It shows that she has spent money on all sorts of things.
The boundary should have been set the first time the sister asked to borrow money.
Not now.

elsien

OP has already helped the sister out once. The "I'll help once" has been and gone some time ago. 

london21

Not surprised, she knows you will always help.