Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

Pollycat

stuhse said:

Paimon12 said:

I understand that you're in a difficult situation, and it's important to communicate your boundaries and concerns to your sister in a tactful manner. Here's a suggestion on how you can approach the conversation:

1. Choose the right time and place: Find a quiet and comfortable setting where you can have a private conversation without interruptions.

2. Express empathy and understanding: Start the conversation by acknowledging your sister's challenges and the difficult circumstances she's facing. Let her know that you understand she's going through a tough time.

3. Share your own financial goals: Explain that you have been saving your inheritance for your retirement and have specific plans in mind, such as buying a bungalow. Emphasize that you have your own financial responsibilities and limitations.

4. Be honest about your concerns: Express your concerns about lending money, especially considering her past financial difficulties and the fact that you cannot afford to lose the amount you would be lending. Stress that it is a one-time arrangement, and you won't be able to provide further financial assistance.

5. Offer alternative support: While you may not be able to provide financial help, assure your sister that you are there to support her in other ways. You can offer emotional support, help her explore other avenues for assistance (such as financial counseling or support programs), or assist her in creating a budget to manage her finances more effectively.

6. Reiterate your boundaries: Clearly state that your decision is not a reflection of your love or care for her, but rather a responsible choice based on your own financial situation. Reinforce that maintaining a healthy relationship is important to you, and you don't want money to become a source of tension or resentment.

Remember to remain calm and compassionate during the conversation. It's essential to communicate your boundaries and concerns while also showing understanding and empathy towards your sister's situation.

Great answer, but I think you need to read the thread

As above:
Money lent December 2022
Money repaid May 2023

Malthusian

Postcount building spam which was obviously wrriten by ChatGPT or another chatbot. Reported.

easy

Guess what...  she's asked again!

trix-a-belle

easy said:

Guess what...  she's asked again!

Oh dear
Given your previous posts (& promises to your DH, us & yourself) of it being 'a one time event only' & 'there will be no more' I hope you stick to them and stay firm.
Maybe recommend (tongue in cheek) a money management course or that she puts an SOA on an appropriate board

cymruchris

easy said:

Guess what...  she's asked again!

And your response was......

Sea_Shell

easy said:

I agree,  nothing is going to change how she lives now,  altho her husband's condition is declining,  so the holidays will have to stop,  as he struggles to cope with different places etc.  I know there will be care costs -  and so does my sister.

I've had the conversation,  I've said I will lend this one time,  but I'm not comfortable with it,  I wish she hadn't asked me, and I don't want her to ask me again.  I've said that if she does ask again,  I WILL say no.  
She knows I would like to work part time but currently can't afford to,  and I've told her I won't carry on working to support her.  I refuse to be put in a position where I resent her.  (I didn't say that I recognise this may make her resent me, but that's her problem). 

If I don't get this loan back,  then so be it.  But I'm absolutely definite that there won't be any more.  I won't fall for any sob-stories or guilt trips -  I've made that promise to my husband,  and now to you lot too.  

Here's a reminder of what OP said back in December...my bold.


How much this time?  Another £2k
As she did eventually repay you before, does that make you more likely to lend again?
Have her circumstances changed at all?
What does she need the money for this time?

northwalesd

Sea_Shell said:

easy said:

I agree,  nothing is going to change how she lives now,  altho her husband's condition is declining,  so the holidays will have to stop,  as he struggles to cope with different places etc.  I know there will be care costs -  and so does my sister.

I've had the conversation,  I've said I will lend this one time,  but I'm not comfortable with it,  I wish she hadn't asked me, and I don't want her to ask me again.  I've said that if she does ask again,  I WILL say no.  
She knows I would like to work part time but currently can't afford to,  and I've told her I won't carry on working to support her.  I refuse to be put in a position where I resent her.  (I didn't say that I recognise this may make her resent me, but that's her problem). 

If I don't get this loan back,  then so be it.  But I'm absolutely definite that there won't be any more.  I won't fall for any sob-stories or guilt trips -  I've made that promise to my husband,  and now to you lot too.  

Here's a reminder of what OP said back in December...my bold.


How much this time?  Another £2k
As she did eventually repay you before, does that make you more likely to lend again?
Have her circumstances changed at all?
What does she need the money for this time?

Added to those questions, what is her plan to pay you back this time? Last time it was equity release.

easy

After a bit of thought, and a chat with husband (because our money is our money,  regardless of it's source),  I am sticking firm, no lending.  
Sister's situation is largely unchanged,  except her hubby is much more ill.  She needs money to pay for a survey,  as she is applying for a retirement mortgage.  Last year's attempt at equity release failed of course.  If she can get that,  she believes she can pay off all her debts. 

I am going to ask her what jewellery/assets she has  (I don't know whether she still has mother's rings).  We might buy some from her if there is anything worth anything.  

I have to have this very difficult telephone conversation with her later -  wish me luck. 

KxMx

It was poor of your sister to ask again when you made it very clear that the last time, would be the final time. 

easy

KxMx said:

It was poor of your sister to ask again when you made it very clear that the last time, would be the final time. 

I think she's pretty desperate    .  The problem is that she has no way, other than raising money on the property,  to clear the debts which built up over previous years.  I'm guessing now that making the minimum payments on their credit card debt is taking up a chunk of their monthly income,  and taking VERY little off the capital debt,  so she will never catch up on it.  
I'm incredibly worried for her,  I lay awake at 3.00 a.m. trying to work out how she can get out of this mess. She must be feeling bereft -  at least I know I would in that situation. And when I tell her I won't lend again I know that's going to feel like pulling the rug out from under her feet. 
But as my husband pointed out to me this morning,  when they explain the safety protocol on a plane,  they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first,  and then help others.  Well our money is our oxygen mask.  

Over the last few months she's kept telling me how unfair it is,  that they are in this situation with her husband's health.  I think she believes it's unfair too that they have no money.  I don't think she fully understands that she put them in this position by constantly overspending all their married life !

If I won the lottery I would pay off all her debts and have done with it,  but I won't give up my inheritance.