Sister has asked me to lend money - how to deal with it

grandadgolfer

Your sister sounds like my SIL.......tell her to bog off

diystarter7

london21 said:

diystarter7 said:

london21 said:

I think she will lend this time and come again.

Eventually tough love it will have to be because the economy and things are getting tougher. 

Hi

The OP was gong to lend all along but wanted to discuss. IMO, I doubt OP will lend after this lot but will help out if sis ever ends up on the streets and no one wants that to happen to anyone - see my previous post for more to this if you wish

Thanks

True, OP's life, money and choice. 

Hi

I'm confused as why you made this comment. I did say in my post to read my previous post as well and I was merely supporting the OP so not sure what your point was as I and everyone else knows it is the OP's money

Thanks

diystarter7

VeeWSelburn said:

easy said:

OK, here goes... 
My sister has always lived beyond her means,  mortgaged to the hilt,  credit cards up to their limits,  borrowing from parents. 
A few years ago she had to sell her big-ish house because she could no longer meet the mortgage payments.  Building soc forced the sale. 

She retired early due to disability,  her husband now has Alzheimer's,  which is progressing quite quickly. 
Last year our mum died,  and we were both lucky enough to inherit a sum of money,  obviously the inheritance was shared equally.  Not a vast fortune, but a comfortable sum. 

Since then I put my money away -  I want to buy a bungalow when I retire,  hopefully in the next 3 - 5 years. I'm still supporting my student son,  so still working full time aged 62.
Sister has had several short holidays in the last 18 months since Mum died , plus one VERY big one,  and about to go abroad on an expensive holiday for 2 weeks over christmas.  She also goes out for meals a lot.  She says they need to go out and on hols while they still can.
But she has spent all her money.  She's asked me to lend her a sum of money,  a couple of K to help her pay some unexpected bills.  She says she will repay me early next year.  She has a plan .
My husband is incandescent with rage ...  I'm pretty pee'd off myself.   But I can't really say no at this stage - I know my mum would say don't leave her high and dry in a panic. 

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

I don't want to fall out with her or get resentful  

Any ideas ??

Just don't do it. As others have suggested, tell her that your money is in a long term investment if you feel comfortable lying about it, which you should not have to do, or just flatly refuse her. I have been in your position and my refusal to lend my sister any money did not lose me my sister. Our relationship was tense for a while, but that blew over. She's only asking you because she knows you have money. Remind her that your money needs to sustain your lifestyle in the future, that you know she will not be able to pay it back, if she has to borrow money now. Tell her she's being unkind putting you in such a position of risking your relationship. She needs a strong dose of common sense. You need to give it because her request is affecting you directly. She's spent her cash. It's gone. She cannot ask you to fund her pleasures. She's a grown-up. She needs to control her spending. If you give her money you are not helping her to do that; you are encouraging her to spend!

Hi

A polite head-up. The OP had made her decision to lend. OP was just seeking opinions to reassure her intended actions
as it transpired somewhere in the thread.

Thread.

REJP

Tell her to get in touch with her local Citizens Advice Debt Counselling team who will advise her on how to set up repayments to creditors.
Do not let her borrow from you, it is not your fault she squanders money.  Please don't fall for the emotional blackmail of "I need it to make memories before husband's Alzheimers destroys him."
Just say "No".

REJP

Do you know if sister has claimed any Carers Allowance, and Constant Attendance Allowances to help financially?
Also has she applied for a reduction in Council Tax on the grounds of her husband suffering from Alzheimers?
As others have pointed out, you risk becoming her cash point in future if you agree to lend her money.

ripongrammargirl

“Never a borrower nor lender be”- a great phrase to live by. Your sister is a scrounger and has never learned what to do with money because people have always handed it over. You will never see your cash again and it will be frittered away on more holidays or luxuries. She is a grown woman, past middle age and still can’t budget? How sad. Tell her you won’t hand over the cash but you will help her by sorting out her finances and see where all her money is going. If she refuses help then she is not worth bothering with as she will never learn. You are not her personal “bank of sister” and she has to sort herself out.

Stateofart

Can't you say "sorry I can't afford it".  Make some excuse up about mortgage rate going up or something.

HRH_MUngo

I would just say the money is tied up in investments and you can't touch it for 'x; years.

We had this same problem with a relative.  We gave them money (officially lent, but never expected to see it again - and didn't). We then told them there was no more (we made it sound as though there was no more money but what we meant was, there was no more coming their way).

Then in 2015 I got an inheritance.  To this day we have not told them about it. 

I wouldn't lend your sister money.  She will keep coming for it.  It's your retirement money, don't let her spoil your retirement because of her spendthrift ways. 

Sea_Shell

HRH_MUngo said:

I would just say the money is tied up in investments and you can't touch it for 'x; years.

We had this same problem with a relative.  We gave them money (officially lent, but never expected to see it again - and didn't). We then told them there was no more (we made it sound as though there was no more money but what we meant was, there was no more coming their way).

Then in 2015 I got an inheritance.  To this day we have not told them about it. 

I wouldn't lend your sister money.  She will keep coming for it.  It's your retirement money, don't let her spoil your retirement because of her spendthrift ways. 

Don't blame you!!    We play our finances very close to our chest too.

Exodi

easy said:

Can anyone advise on how I tactfully say "This is a one-time only event.  I can't afford to lose what I am lending now,  and I'm definitely NOT going to lend any more".

The fact that you are mentioning that you can't afford to lose the initial loan and are already considering future requests speaks volumes.

I've been there, got the t shirt.

You quickly find when lending money (to anyone) that you are gods gift to Earth when you're considering giving them the loan, they'll give you the money back yesterday, they just cannot put into words how appreciative they are. You feel like you've done a real good deed, helped them out of a tight spot.

But this quickly fades. The attitude quickly changes... and it always does. Now you're the villian:

"you know I have no money, it's not my fault my car broke-down!"
"the only time you want to talk to me is chasing me for money, don't you care about anything else?"
"i'll pay it back when I have money OK, stop asking me for it"

I have found this unfortunately common. Watch any broadcast about debt - whether it be about a court case, an eviction due to rent arrears, credit card spending, it doesn't particularly matter the circumstance - you will notice that the borrower nearly always feels like they are the victim.

I think a lot of people find it far easier to blame others for their problems, than accept responsibility.