Very Different Sex Drives

moo2moo

De ja vu. Only I'm the one wearing the stilettoes.

When we met over a decade ago it wasn't unusual for us to have sex 3 or 4 times a day, especially when we shouldn't. 2 kids later and hes lucky if he gets me twice a week. The way I feel about him hasn't changed but after chasing round after the kids all day and generally getting on with life all I really want to do is curl up in front of the fire with a good book and a glass of wine.

Hubby meanwhile would still like to make love 3 or 4 times a day, but then his life hasn't really changed since we met. He gets up, has breakfast in peace, goes to work, comes home, spends an hour with the kids who are delighted to see him (having had to put up with me all day). Kids then go for a bath, he has a glass of wine and sits down to eat the dinner thats been cooked for him.After which I wash up and he has another glass of wine.

Hes tried surprising me with adult toys (of the type he fancied), dinner with expectations afterwards, ranting at me because hes not getting much all of which backfires and leaves me feeling like I have to perform. Then once in a while he'll run me a bath, put the kids to bed and take the dog out for a walk, leaving me with time to feel like the old me rather than the new improved knackered grumpy version. Doesn't mean he gets what he wants but I feel more human.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is people change. She probably didn't set out to make you feel like this. Only a professional hooker would set out to have sex 3 times a day when she didn't fancy it. When she says she has a lower sex drive than you thats exactly what she means. She simply doesn't feel like sex, not with you, not with anyone else. Counselling isn't going to change that its only going to make her feel that you want her as a sex toy and nothing else. Invest in some adult films, an Ann Summers Honeypot or find yourself a hobby just stop going on and on and on about it. You'll only put her off more! (speaking from experience!)

snowmaid

3 times a day is a bit much and perhaps you need to look at why you require it so much?

Like many have said here a woman cannot flick off and on. She needs to feel special, loved and wanted. Yes, when you first got together you carried on like rabbits, but that is chemistry. You are now experiencing the true test of relationships and what your relationship is truly built on. Either it can weather this or it will break.

All relationships go through this. Sure, you can meet another girl tomorrow who will be hot and ready and stroke your ego, but be with that girl for a while or have kids and you will start to experience the same problems.

So, whats to do? Going by what does it for me - I feel very close to OH when he out of his own, holds my hand, snuggles next to me when we sit, when he takes control over situations without being overbearing (me tarzan you Jane scenario! ) Make her feel that she is protected without you controlling her. When he actually looks at me when we have a conversation! Gives me a knowing little smile without touching me, strokes my face without wanting more. Then he has me chasing him! :rotfl:

Our sex life also went through a 'dry' patch and everything was mechanical, then we talked, shared our likes and dislikes and now.......:o We know eachother VERY well!

woody_56

With the medication i am on at the moment and being an insulin dependant diabetic,i could spray IT with spray starch,wave a union jack at it even try scaffold and nothing would get it up,we have been married 40 odd years,im 59 and my wife is 58,she has not complained or even mentioned sex,things are getting better as im being weened of the medication at the moment,flutterings are gaining momentum,so hope fully things will resume back to normal soon .I can only say understanding love and patience will always win through ---Hopefully .

vixarooni

Good luck to you woody. pun intended there?

to the op, Stop thinking about sex and how much you are not getting it. The more you think about it the more you are going to want it. Then when you cant frustration kicks in and its one vicious circle.

Enjoy your partner for her the person, stop being a stupid man on about sex all the time. I bet she sits at home wishing you paid more attention to her romantically than you do sexually! If you put as much effort into that than sex, im sure your sex life would improve greatly.

misscutiepie1984

half the time im lucky to have it one a month.... i have a higher sex drive than my bf but i don't think its important. We happy just cuddling and holding hands we been together 10 months

Nicki

privateposter wrote: »

Have any women used any herbal or otherwise medication to increase interest in sex

Hmm. Interesting that you haven't asked whether any men have tried any herbal meds to decrease their interest in sex!

Speaking as a girlie, I'd be horrified to be expected to have sex 3 times a day, and actually 3 times a week every week of the year would probably also be a bit more than I wanted. I also can vouch for the fact that in the first year or so of a relationship sex is much more regular. Back in those days once or more than once a day would also have been the norm.

From my perspective as a woman though, the idea of a special night out or in once a week where sex was on the agenda (though not necessarily a foregone conclusion) would help. As would sex at different times of day. At the end of the day may not be the best time for your OH if she is tired and stressed at work. She might be more persuadable first thing in the morning, at weekends or even if you are able to meet at home at lunchtime. Sometimes when you are going through a faze of not being much interested, then a really sensual experience can rekindle things - eg a massage with nice oils where no sex is attempted. Also where the male initiates foreplay only for the benefit of the woman with no expectation of return favours can lead to them being voluntarily provided. Or a night in a nice hotel.

The more you do it, the more you want it, provided you aren't pressurised into doing it in the first place.

It seems to me that you both need to compromise. You need to radically adjust your expectations to something which she can get her head round, at least to get things going again. When I first posted, I thought you were only getting it every other month or so, but I've gone back and re-read what you've written! I originally posted that if you could agree between yourselves to start at the level of 3 times a month, I would have thought over time you could get up to the level of at least once a week. However having gone back and re-read your posts I see that you already are at 3-5 times a month, which assuming she doesn't want to have full sex through her whole cycle is presumably at least once and sometimes twice a week, which really isn't too bad in a long term relationship where both partners work!

It does seems to me to be unlikely based on what you say she has said that she's ever going to be happy with daily, and if you aren't happy with twice a week, where do you go as a compromise? I'd feel pressurised at an expectation of a minimum of every other day to be honest, which is the next level up. I fear this is going to cause a long term problem for you both, so maybe you need to think about what the future holds for you both.

affordmylife

i was rather shocked, concerned about your state of near permanent sexual frustration - are you nineteen?

i also think you should see the doctor - some people are addicted to sex. it is a real condition,

keelykat

The more under pressure i am-the lower my sex drive goes....so as others have suggested drop the desperate act with her and let it go for a few days.

I also agree with pampering her, cuddling her etc but dont attempt to take things further..for now.

Good luck,

keely.

Horace

I can see why she has gone off sex, you are treating her like a performing chimp demanding it 3 times a day. Sure when folks first get together they are like rabbits but then they settle down.

I have been with my chap for 4 years now and at first we were at it like rabbits and now it happens less frequently but that also has to do with the fact that he lives in London and I don't. However, we can be apart for weeks and then have a wonderful coming together:o so to speak and then we rest for a while. In the meantime when he's at home alone I know he watches the odd !!!!!! film and gives himself a hand shandy - I know because I have seen the evidence but it doesnt bother me - its healthy.

Demanding sex 3 times a day or more is not healthy and certainly becomes a chore. From what I can see you are putting the blame on her for not wanting it but how can you expect more when you come across as wanting her to perform all the time? Perhaps, it will do you both good to go without for a while either that or get used to touching each other without it being a prelude to sex - massages etc. Try watching that TV program on how to have sex after marriage - there's some interesting tips on there. If you make her feel special rather than a performing chimp she might just want more sex not less.

geminilady

privateposter wrote: »

Hi

My partner and I have very different sex drives and it's starting to cause quite a bit of stress for both of us. At the start of the relationship we had sex most days and it probably stayed like this for a year or more. Since then, and especially over the last 2 years it has become less and less often and now is probably 3-5 times a month. I have a very high sex drive and would prefer 3 times a day to 3 times a month, although realistically even 3 times a week would be loads better. She has said that she has never really been that bothered about sex and at the beginning was partly just doing it for me. I just wondered if many people had been in similar situations (I'm sure they have as i think this is a VERY common issue) and what they did?

Cheers for any advice.

I have read all the posts and the advise i agree with is Nicki's.Also you gave yourself the right answer compromise is the key.You would like sex every day your partner is happy with once a week so settle on twice a week barring illness/time of the month ect.just had a thought has your partner been checked incase she has a hormone problem ? could be a possibility but more than likely she just has a lower sex drive than you.I have heard ginsing helps increase the sex drive might be worth a try if your partner agrees.