Very Different Sex Drives

privateposter

Pinkbutterfly, yes, i accept that is true. Its not like i hassle her a lot as I'm almost resigned to it now but thats not something i want to do. Jei70 - it hasn't been sudden but has been decreasingh over the last 3 years.

Sola

privateposter wrote: »

Sola - you are speaking from your experience and applying that information to me when there is nothing that has been said to make you think it would be relevant.

If you care to check your first post, you'll see you asked if other people had had similar problems and what they did about it. I told you based on my own experience AND that of friends/acquaintances that tiredness and resentment causes lots of women to lose interest in sex. If you're an angel round the house and it's not applicable to you, then it's not applicable - I said as much. If you don't want advice, don't ask for it.

mrcow

privateposter wrote: »

we would have to work a compromise meaning we both meet in the middle. That hasn't really happened but after yet another talk about ti last night we are gonna try and have a special day in the week where we get done up, go out for a meal and have dessert at home

I honestly think this is a disaster waiting to happen.

If you don't feel like doing it in general, then it's even worse if it's somehow expected of you. Presure to have sex is a right turn off. I can imagine you two after your evening out.....you all desperate because you're now fully expecting it.....and her dreading it because she feels like she's been backed into promising you it. Do you really want your sex life to be like that?

Many women can't just turn it on like a tap. They need to feel wanted and attractive and foreplay shouldn't always just be a means to an end.

pinkshoes

Jei70 wrote: »

LOL! If the relationship works, there's no need to have many! Some of the initial lust *may* fade, and circumstances may change (health, family, etc.), but not drastically and without explanation.

lol well I think my friends would be rather annoyed if me and OH carried on at 3 times a day like in the beginning, coz I wouldn't have much time outside of work, sleep and sex to do anything else!

privateposter wrote: »

Pinkshoes - i started thanking everythoing, helpful, relevant or otherwise. Pretty much everything you said in your post 23 had previously been addressed. If you really want thanks that much, let me know and I'll just thank everything you say. Also, yes, everyone knows the lust fades but if you had read anything you would understand that this is not the issue.

Well given you want it 3 times a day, you've probably never been in a position of being the person with a much lower sex drive, so I was trying to point out what it's like from the other person's point of view.

There's nothing wrong with having a low sex drive, and it's really important for the person with the high sex drive to not make the other person feel inadequate, because that will just ruin the whole sex experience altogether.You may not THINK you're pestering her, or feel like you're pestering her, but it might come across like you are.

Just try putting yourself in her shoes, because i'm not convinced you've done that yet, or at least not in a realistic way.

Jet

OP - people come onto this thread to give advice based on what they think. Obviously none of us know you and because of that some people will give advice that is not applicable.

Most people don't reply to get "thanks", they have a genuine interest in your post.

I do think you have been very quick to dismiss people's comments and I think some posters are wondering if you are as quick to dismiss your partners comments and perhaps this is part of the problem.

If there really isn't an emotional cause for her lack of interest in sex, then there is very little you can do. You can choose to stay and put up with it, choose to stay and get sexual gratification elsewhere or you can choose to leave. Or you can hope that she "gives in" and gives you the sex you want.

privateposter

Thanks for everyone's help.

Murtle

privateposter wrote: »

Well, I went on lunch thinking i would give up on this thread but at last it seems 3 of you are kind of getting the point. Part of me does feel sliughtly resentful because yes, she did basically lie to get her man and l;ead us both down a path that could potentially (but i dont think it will) lead to us both being very unhappy. Yes, we are pretty incompatible sexually but very compatible in most other ways and so I would never consider ending the relationship over this and we agreed, when iyt all came out that we would have to work a compromise meaning we both meet in the middle. That hasn't really happened but after yet another talk about ti last night we are gonna try and have a special day in the week where we get done up, go out for a meal and have dessert at home, if i can use such a cheesey pun (pun certainly not intended on the cheesey, before anyone sees a gag opportunity (pun intended). I completley agree that it is not her with the problem and have told her this, although she is gonna require convincing - it is a problem with "us" and compatability. Thanks poorbabe for the good wishes. Last of all, i find all the great jokes about doing more cleaning really funny, in fact I've only just stopped laughing. People are so presumptious and judgemental it is actually funny. Anyway, thanks again for those that took the effort to read and try and understand the actual problem. Oh, and it's not about getting my quota or keeping count, it's about me being in a state of near-constant sexual frustration. Miss-phish, where would you recommend for counselling -relate, a private practitioner, specialist or what?

I would recommend going to the doctor and speaking to them for the reverse medication to Viagra. As the line I have highlighted in bold is quite a worrying comment.

vik6525

mrcow wrote: »

I honestly think this is a disaster waiting to happen.

If you don't feel like doing it in general, then it's even worse if it's somehow expected of you. Presure to have sex is a right turn off. I can imagine you two after your evening out.....you all desperate because you're now fully expecting it.....and her dreading it because she feels like she's been backed into promising you it. Do you really want your sex life to be like that?

Many women can't just turn it on like a tap. They need to feel wanted and attractive and foreplay shouldn't always just be a means to an end.

Speaking from experience in a past relationship, I SOOOO agree with you on this one....
Shes going to feel like a prostitute being wined and dined with the expectation of sex at the end of it...

Take her out for a meal, wine her dine her, make her feel 'special' by all means, but please dont expect her to 'put out' at the end of the evening for goodness sakes.



Anyhoo... You mentioned earlier that shes had a stressful 2 years in work... This, I think, is the crutch of the problem. Women are, by our very nature. complete and utter worriers. we lay in bed picking over ever last detail of our days, running ourselves in circles and getting stressed over things that men wouldnt give a second thought to. Its what we do, and its why you love us!
Maybe theres stuff going on in work with her that she doesnt tell you about, cause she thinks its 'little' stuff thats not worth mentioning.

geekgirl

I think the best advice so far is counselling. You both need to compromise and meet in the middle here. You sound as though you don't want to split up over this but it sounds like it is becoming a big problem for you. I don't know how old you both are but if things stayed the same think about all the years ahead that this would go on.
Get some counselling and both of you work your socks off to remedy this, it would be a shame to lose an otherwise sound relationship because of sex.

When my kids were young I was too knackered at night for sex as well (heather38) so we used to set the clock a bit earlier and have a smoocheroonie in the mornings instead. Rather than make me more tired it gave me a bit of a bounce to my step!

Bogof_Babe

As an investment, why not try having a few nights when you don't go for the grope as soon as you are both in bed, just kiss her goodnight (not a snog), turn over and go to sleep. It could be the continual night-after-night prodding and fiddling about that is driving her away, rather than having the opposite effect. It might even make her wonder what's going on, and make the first move. Either way, it will reassure her that you are not "only after one thing" on a permanent basis.

Also, try giving her a cuddle in situations where there is no way it could lead to sex, like while you're shopping, or just about to go out for the evening, or to work. If every demonstration of affection appears to be a thinly-disguised try-on, it soon becomes irritating, so a quick cuddle occasionally, with no follow-up, will show her that "it" is not actually in the forefront of your mind every waking moment. Or if all else fails, take up an active sport, so you are too tired to perform as often as you think you want to.