Long term cohabitation dilemma

OldMusicGuy

sevenhills said:

Many couples have unequal earnings, which shouldn't be an issue for a long-term relationship. Quite often only one person works.

You both should be able to discuss these issues. I guess anyone would like to protect their wealth in the short/medium term, but 15 years is a long time, it's a partnership.

If you trust your partner, it shouldn't be a problem, but it sounds like he wants to keep control. But its a long way off, a marriage where two people share everything. I am single, I would love someone to share my house and everything else.

This is a good comment. I was in a similar situation to your partner. A divorced male, very bitter about that relationship, and thus very wary of committing again. I had a girlfriend, we both had our own flats, spent a lot of time together and were going out for about 8 years. I was very wary of committing at any other level than this. But after that time, I realised we needed to commit to each other or go our separate ways. My girlfriend didn't push me but I realised I was keeping things how I wanted, I wasn't thinking of us (or her).

We talked about what we wanted out of life and decided we should move in together, and a few years later we decided to get married. I earned a lot more than my partner but at that point accepted that it was about "we", not "me". Everything we have is ours. My wife stayed at home to raise our son, everything I earned (including my pension pot) is for our life together. Nothing is "mine", well except for a lot of CDs she would not want......

Sorry if it sounds preachy but I wanted to illustrate that I had to make a big jump from being protective about "my" assets and "my" money to committing to a proper long-term relationship in which everything was "ours". I had been through a divorce so I knew what I could be "risking". But once I had made that commitment, things changed, I was so much more invested in the relationship rather than the money. 

It seems to me from reading this thread that your partner is still at the stage where he does not want to commit to you. He clearly doesn't trust you and it may be he is controlling you, or it may be he just doesn't want a "proper" long term relationship (except on his terms, which sound more like friends with benefits than a deep partnership). Only you can decide if you are prepared to accept that state of affairs. It seems like many people on here (me included) wouldn't be happy with it, especially as it seems to be imperilling your long term financial wellbeing.  

sammyjammy

Viking_warrior said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

£450 a month on groceries for two people?

Who has the expensive tastes, him or you?

That includes alcohol. I dint drink and he is quite fussy about food being decent. I could give him beans on toast or fish fillet and chips for example......

What do you mean you couldn't (I assume thats what you meant to type) give him those foods?  Are you his housekeeper as well?  Do you cook and clean and shop?  

scrooge2008

How about this approach - rather than confrontation, you communicate with him the way he processes information.

Take out the relationship aspect and do a spreadsheet - on one side market rent for the house you are both living in - say £750.00.  Split it in two.  You acknowledge he doesn't pay any as he owns the property and you pay half as you are sharing the house, not renting the whole property..

                                                          You                            Partner

Rent                                                  £375.00                      0
All bills (split straight down middle)   £200.00                      £200.00
Food                                                  £200.00                      £250.00 (He buys his own alcohol)

If you pay for house improvements then there will be an acknowlegement that you are building up equity in the house.  He is unlikely then to ask you for any contribution towards them in the future.

You can say that this will allow you to put £300.00 a month into a savings account, which you intend to use towards buying your next property with him (exit money if need be in the future).

If he refuses to process any of this information and is abusive, despite your very best efforts to remain calm, you could tell him that if you were to leave he would be £1000.00 a month worse off and you will be seeing a solicitor to claim your share of the property as you had not realised that you were being manipulated and gaslighted when you signed an unfair contract and it is therefore nul and void.  

Remember - You are VIKING WARRIOR.

breaking_free

scrooge2008 said:

Remember - You are VIKING WARRIOR.

^ Best advice in this entire thread x

Angela_D_3

You just know when it all comes out in the wash this man will have been cheating on you too ... ive seen this play out so many times.  You let him disrespect you an inch i can guarantee hes taking a mile.  

Viking_warrior

Ok so update. I asked for his help and shared our outgoings on a sheet with him. Groceries are indeed the issue and he has said for me not to buy alcohol and start to be more mindful about buying fancy items where cheaper are available. So hopefully I can make savings here. Result. 
I said if I could save more I could potentially get to a point where I could have enough cash in few years for a third investment in any next property. He said unless its 50% it's a no, as we will still be in this position where he owns more and I am paying him some form of equality payment/rent and I'll still be unhappy. 
He is clear my financial situation is not his concern and as I bought the flat when we were 2 months into our relationship, and he clearly said not to buy it, that it was a bad choice. I effectively made my bed then and he saw it as me making a statement I did not want to go into ownership with him... although this doesnt make sense as I would still have needed a mortgage which he wont have so.... not sure on that front.
He was honest that the rent is a savings fund for him and that this was offset ny the fact he pays for most of the Bill's (true). The groceries are the main imbalance. 
So its left as is with more effort to reduce groceries as many here said. 
I cant raise this again as it creates a stressful situation where  I come over as resentful and bitter and its not the discussion we want to be having over and over again. Basically unless I come into inheritance due to my parents leaving me stuff (I'm hoping this is a long way off!) this is the status quo.
He stated clearly that he wouldn't kick me out and if we can stop fighting there no reason we arnt in it for life so I'get it all when he died anyway.
I think if I am to make this work I need to focus on the grocery reductions, pay off my flat and consider paying more attention to my pension pot instead. 

FirstTimeSolo

This thread makes for sad reading. OP You are missing out on a happy fulfilling life and relationship by staying in this one for the sake of having someone/anyone to be with or for financial reasons. 

HampshireH

Glad you spoke even if he still doesn't quite get it 

Please don't ever hand over any inheritance you get as you won't see it again.

Just pop it to one side or into that pension of whatever. It's yours not his and as he sees the house this way it should be a concept he understands

[Deleted User]

Does he pay for most of the bills? That wasn’t the impression I got from your earlier posts @Viking_warrior. I also like how he’s turned the grocery spending back on you. 

If you’re happy with the arrangement if you can shave a bit off the groceries then more power to you. I can’t say I’d be inclined to do the same and have a partner punish for 15 years for buying a property 2 months into the relationship. Different strokes for different folks I guess. 

Bonniepurple

OP, I know you don’t want to hear it, but your “partner” is in it for himself.  He doesn’t want a partnership, he wants someone to allow him to save money (your money) without giving you any security in return (his house).  He says he won’t kick you out - but he also knows that you are financially tied to him because of him insisting on you paying him rent.  If he’d got a mortgage and you were paying part of that with the expectation that you would be added when he remortgaged, it would be different.  

FWIW,  I’m the main (currently only!) earner.  Our house was bought when my Mum died.  Some far as we’re concerned, it’s our house and our money.  He doesn’t pay me to live here- and I’m sure he wouldn’t charge me either.  

I realise that we are only getting one side of this, but it does feel like it’s tipping the balance of an abusive relationship.  You have no money, you have asked if you could reduce your “rent” to allow you to save, he gets angry and you drop it.  He’s graciously agreed to pay for his own alcohol, but that is going to be a drop in the ocean.

You bought your flat as security for you.  He’s punishing you for that.  That alone rings alarm bells.

Only you can make the decision here, but it’s not about money really, is it?  It’s about control and you wanting an equal partnership which he doesn’t.