Long term cohabitation dilemma

Viking_warrior

ScorpiondeRooftrouser said:

Viking_warrior said:

Thanks again to everyone. I did genuinely cone here thinking people might murmur something about fairness, but I'd get suggestions about best ways to make money to increase mortgage payments and whether I'm better off selling my flat now even with tenant to buy a house to rent instead that may appreciate more than a leasehold etc.... so I could build my assets and leave me in a better position to invest alongside my partner.
I suppose in reality 'get rich quick' schemes and ideas dont however exist unless you win the lottery so I was clutching at straws. 
Replies did take me somewhat by surprise as I have always deferred better judgement on my financial set up to my partner who has the cards so to speak. The risk of losing my relationship has overridden any deep seated desire to push for a different arrangement and it's now I'm ageing and starting to see my own lifespan ahead of me I'm getting worried that this isnt evolving how I'd hoped. 
I'm still hoping for a miracle solution, but realising I need to champion my own future stability as my longevity here isnt guaranteed and even if it is, it still leaves me asset poor and with retirement and care issues to potentially face longer term. 
Have a horrible knot in my stomach, couple of sleepless nights and some thinking to do. 
Much appreciated all 
VW

Can you tell us how much rent you receive for your flat?  It makes it possible to judge as to whether your current arrangement is actually the cheapest way for you to live.  Anyone who has told you that you will be better off financially by moving out without knowing that has simply made unwarranted assumptions.  Whether or not your partner is an awful person is not something I can judge from here so I will offer no opinion on that.

To put it very basically without considering tax etc, if your flat rents for £1000 a month, then your rent of £400 and bills of (let's say) £400  ( (1000 - (400 + 400)) = net income £200) would be replaced by bills of say £200 (half what you pay now, just for yourself) with no incoming or outgoing rent so an overall outgoing of £200, leaving you £400 a month worse off.  The idea that you would have more money to invest in your own property is clearly not appropriate.  The destination of the money you pay out personally is immaterial; there would be no more money going into your mortgage, creating equity,  or your bank account, than there is now.

If however your flat rents for £400 a month, you would be replacing an outgoing of £400 (400 - (400 + 400)) with a outgoing of £200, and be better off.

My flat rents for £430 a month. I pay £200 pa service charge to leaseholders, plus gas safety cert and boiler cover at £250 pa and landlord insurance as I rent it furnished at around same. My mortgage is £459 on a btl. It would be less on residential obv. I pay a higher monthly mortgage on it as want to shrink the length left. I used to pay around £330 pm mortgage so my outgoings matched her incoming rent. 
I currently pay £400 rent, £80 combined gas elec, and £450 ish a month groceries (on a good month)

wannabe_a_saver

£450 a month on groceries for two people?

Who has the expensive tastes, him or you?

[Deleted User]

Viking_warrior said:

£450 ish a month groceries (on a good month)

Sorry, what??? for two people?

[Deleted User]

Deleted_User said:

Viking_warrior said:

£450 ish a month groceries (on a good month)

Sorry, what??? for two people?

That's akin to my reaction! Presumably you shop at Waitrose and not Lidl! 

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

Viking_warrior said:

ScorpiondeRooftrouser said:

Viking_warrior said:

Thanks again to everyone. I did genuinely cone here thinking people might murmur something about fairness, but I'd get suggestions about best ways to make money to increase mortgage payments and whether I'm better off selling my flat now even with tenant to buy a house to rent instead that may appreciate more than a leasehold etc.... so I could build my assets and leave me in a better position to invest alongside my partner.
I suppose in reality 'get rich quick' schemes and ideas dont however exist unless you win the lottery so I was clutching at straws. 
Replies did take me somewhat by surprise as I have always deferred better judgement on my financial set up to my partner who has the cards so to speak. The risk of losing my relationship has overridden any deep seated desire to push for a different arrangement and it's now I'm ageing and starting to see my own lifespan ahead of me I'm getting worried that this isnt evolving how I'd hoped. 
I'm still hoping for a miracle solution, but realising I need to champion my own future stability as my longevity here isnt guaranteed and even if it is, it still leaves me asset poor and with retirement and care issues to potentially face longer term. 
Have a horrible knot in my stomach, couple of sleepless nights and some thinking to do. 
Much appreciated all 
VW

Can you tell us how much rent you receive for your flat?  It makes it possible to judge as to whether your current arrangement is actually the cheapest way for you to live.  Anyone who has told you that you will be better off financially by moving out without knowing that has simply made unwarranted assumptions.  Whether or not your partner is an awful person is not something I can judge from here so I will offer no opinion on that.

To put it very basically without considering tax etc, if your flat rents for £1000 a month, then your rent of £400 and bills of (let's say) £400  ( (1000 - (400 + 400)) = net income £200) would be replaced by bills of say £200 (half what you pay now, just for yourself) with no incoming or outgoing rent so an overall outgoing of £200, leaving you £400 a month worse off.  The idea that you would have more money to invest in your own property is clearly not appropriate.  The destination of the money you pay out personally is immaterial; there would be no more money going into your mortgage, creating equity,  or your bank account, than there is now.

If however your flat rents for £400 a month, you would be replacing an outgoing of £400 (400 - (400 + 400)) with a outgoing of £200, and be better off.

My flat rents for £430 a month. I pay £200 pa service charge to leaseholders, plus gas safety cert and boiler cover at £250 pa and landlord insurance as I rent it furnished at around same. My mortgage is £459 on a btl. It would be less on residential obv. I pay a higher monthly mortgage on it as want to shrink the length left. I used to pay around £330 pm mortgage so my outgoings matched her incoming rent. 
I currently pay £400 rent, £80 combined gas elec, and £450 ish a month groceries (on a good month)

Your mortgage payments are fairly irrelevant, except for whatever the difference between btl and residential.   The way you have to look at it is that you are paying out in excess of £665 a month (400 + (450 + 80) /2, assuming your bills would halve on your own - I have not included the annual payments so they would be on top of this)  in order to be able to let your flat for £430 (before income tax deductions).  You would clearly be a couple of hundred pounds a month better off in the flat; only you can judge whether you would be happier.  Alternatively if you could rent a different place for less than £665 a month you would be better off than you are now; if your flat is let at something like a market rate, it would seem likely that you could.  So, financially this isn't great for you.

Had you been somewhere where rents are comfortably in excess of £1000 a month it would be a different story.

amyr

Viking_warrior said:

In terms of our dynamic hes always been very straight and honest. He has boundaries and ways he wants to live and if I dont like them, I can leave. He will have a moment on almost a monthly basis where I've done something I shouldn't, said something I shouldn't or stepped over a boundary and will tell me I can choose to leave or change etc
 
Hes never pretended to be anything else. So I cant complain hes like it now.

I don't think this has been said yet, but I wanted to comment to say that yes, you absolutely can complain!

Just because someone is upfront or blunt about who they are, it doesn't give them the right to behave in ways which are hurtful or unfair. It isn't a free pass. 

Likewise, just because you've previously put up with a behavior does not mean you don't have the right to change your mind. You absolutely can complain. 

You have the right to say, do and feel whatever you want and please do not let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Viking_warrior

wannabe_a_saver said:

£450 a month on groceries for two people?

Who has the expensive tastes, him or you?

That includes alcohol. I dint drink and he is quite fussy about food being decent. I could give him beans on toast or fish fillet and chips for example......

[Deleted User]

Viking_warrior said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

£450 a month on groceries for two people?

Who has the expensive tastes, him or you?

That includes alcohol. I dint drink and he is quite fussy about food being decent. I could give him beans on toast or fish fillet and chips for example......

I'm interested to know why are you paying for his alcohol when you don't drink? 

sammyjammy

Viking_warrior said:

I do decide food but he is particular about quality of meals and I do buy alcohol too ... I have up drinking a year ago as had lots of self loathing issues and doubts about arguments etc. 
In reality I agree with so many posters. On both sides if argument. 

I did willingly sign agreements but now in hindsight this was done in spirit of me not wanting to take any if the things hed worked for... not to lose anything I'd paid for in event of a split. 

In terms of our dynamic hes always been very straight and honest. He has boundaries and ways he wants to live and if I dont like them, I can leave. He will have a moment on almost a monthly basis where I've done something I shouldn't, said something I shouldn't or stepped over a boundary and will tell me I can choose to leave or change etc
 
Hes never pretended to be anything else. So I cant complain hes like it now.

My parents do come stay for a couple nights at a time. Same when we go there. 36 hrs seems to be his limit of tolerance. 
My sister hasnt been as we dont really have space. As she has 2 children. So yes I can invite people over 

I think I'd git to an age where uve started realising my situation isnt serving ME. but late to notice and not sure if have strengths or will to leave him as I've considered it many times but always decided my lifestyle and relationship arent that bad.... and could easily be worse... or very lonely. 

So here I am trying to find a way to make it work on all fronts. still not found an answer lol despite 12 pages 

You talk like a 60 something not a 40 something (no offence meant to the over 60s!).  Do you have friends?  What do they say?  The first time someone spoke to in the manner of if you don't like it you can leave I'd be out that door quicker than a rat, love or no love.

Sunsaru

Seriously VW, the more I read the more I facepalm....