Long term cohabitation dilemma

Viking_warrior

I am a 48 year old woman with a small one bed flat with 8 yrs left on mortgage. I rent it at a small loss (to pay off mortgage faster) and know if I sold it my profit/increase from purchase price would be very low as bought just before the last crash.
For the past 15 years I've been living with my partner unmarried in his fully owned properties. In both homes I've signed cohabitation agreements to say I have no stake or claim to his property at all, as he bought them outright himself. I've paid around £400 a month to him rent over this time as well as paying half insurance, all the gas and electric and all supermarket/cleaning shopping which seems fair as it's important I am paying my way. Each month I barely have anything left to save despite earning more than my partner which I struggle to grapple with.
 Since living with him we have moved house and been in the last house four years. I've given him some money to help with home improvements...not half but around a third approximately, and he has done almost all of the hard graft in these improvements.
I dearly would like to be in a position after this time together to have equal say, power, stake in our home but it's become a massive area of fighting. If I bring up my 'contributions' he gets very angry and states clearly they aren't contributions but gifts and I don't have a stake in his house. If I say I want to feel I'm part of our home financially, he offers a solution in that if I can match him cash for cash (ie no mortgage) when we next move then we can go in together. I understand his feelings bout debt, however there is no way I can afford that. My flat even if I paid it off and sold it would be max £75k, to his assets which have grown in value over time to around £250k. I appreciate his point of view fully.... He made good decisions, buying a £40k first home, then selling and buying at times when his asset made money while my flat decision has conversely made me nothing.
So I'm nervous about my future. Do I accept it, realise I'm living a life in a beautiful house I could never afford for a small rent and stop feeling bitter, or alternatively find some way to make a lot of cash fast so I can buy with him debt free next time? Any ideas how to do this? I want my relationship to work but don't always want to feel I'm living in someone else's house with all the insecurity, powerlessness and lost financial outlay that involves for me? 
I realise I've let this go for too long without sorting my own assets and finances out, but hoping I'm not too late to make some good solid financial investment decisions. Don't want to feel like a financial failure anymore and want to feel I'm jointly contributing to our future together.
All advice welcome. Thank you

AdrianC

This is not a house question, this is a relationship question.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/marriage-relationships-families

As far as the house side goes, I'm only going to comment on the flat...
You're subsidising your tenants.
Why?
That flat is basically the world's worst, most-hassle, negative-interest savings account. Cut your losses, and sell it. The longer you keep it, the more it's costing you to own it.

root

Virtualness said:

I dearly would like to be in a position after this time together to have equal say, power, stake in our home but it's become a massive area of fighting. If I bring up my 'contributions' he gets very angry and states clearly they aren't contributions but gifts and I don't have a stake in his house.

I don't think you want to hear it but I don't think you'll ever get to this point based on what you've said.

Octothorpe

I'd look at cutting what you contribute to his house to allow you to save.

UnderOffer

I've paid around £400 a month to him rent over this time as well as paying half insurance, all the gas and electric and all supermarket/cleaning shopping which seems fair as it's important I am paying my way.

Why are you also paying ALL the utility costs and shopping? That’s not a fair balance. 

If you had not have contributed the 3rd costs to improving the home you’d have savings. Stop being walked over. 

boxer234

Are you happy with this man otherwise? Honestly it doesn’t sound like a happy relationship.  Do not give him any more money for renovations.  Paying half towards the bills seems fair but nothing else.  Honestly I’d rather live in a tiny flat than a beautiful house where I’m not happy or secure.  

Mojisola

What does he care about most - you or his money?

MovingForwards

After 15 years and house moves, nothing will change. It will never be your home.

You're being taken for a ride paying £400pm, plus all the food and utilities and half the insurance.

Thrugelmir

If you weren't subsidising your partner by contributing to home improvements. You could be clearing your own mortgage instead. That's your choice. Nothing to with "rights" . 

sevenhills

Virtualness said:

 
I dearly would like to be in a position after this time together to have equal say, power, stake in our home but it's become a massive area of fighting. If I bring up my 'contributions' he gets very angry and states clearly they aren't contributions but gifts and I don't have a stake in his house.

Many couples have unequal earnings, which shouldn't be an issue for a long-term relationship. Quite often only one person works.

You both should be able to discuss these issues. I guess anyone would like to protect their wealth in the short/medium term, but 15 years is a long time, it's a partnership.

If you trust your partner, it shouldn't be a problem, but it sounds like he wants to keep control. But its a long way off, a marriage where two people share everything. I am single, I would love someone to share my house and everything else.

comeandgo

If you were to leave him, would he mange to keep his house and save any money?  I understand the need not to be seen as a kept woman but h3 is using you to improve his financial position.