Long term cohabitation dilemma

AnotherJoe

Once you've evicted your tenants,go and live in your 1 bed flat while you sort your life out.

teachfast

You're being taken for a ride by a selfish man. Give him an immediate ultimatum: you go joint finance on everything or you leave. Only way to a future together or he will always hold all the power. I'd like to give him a piece of my mind.

He's not a solicitor, by any chance?

Owleyes00

I agree with previous posters. Your partner is being incredibly mean. If he is mortgage free, I don’t see why he is charging you “rent” at all...and you are paying all the utilities and food, it is no wonder you have no money left at the end of the month, it reads as though your partner is financially contributing nothing and somehow making you feel bad about the fact that you are effectively paying for him to live (apart from the fact he owns his house outright).

People are very odd about money in relationships. In my relationship we generally view everything as “our” money and while I appreciate this doesn’t work for a lot of people, you have been together 15 years and he is treating you like a long term lodger.

As an aside, whilst this wouldn’t be something I would do, why is he not prepared to get a property together as tenants in common with you both owning different percentages?

skint_chick

Why are you paying rent if he doesn't have a mortgage to pay? I can understand you want to be paying your way, but that would mean paying half of groceries, bills, the extra bit of Council tax he has to pay for not getting single person discount, but not half of buildings insurance, house maintenance and upgrades/decoration etc - particularly on top of 'rent'. He is getting a great deal not having bills to pay and getting £400 a month - no wonder he has built his net worth! Yes, you're getting to live in a nice house, but I would imagine your rent and the other half of the bills you're paying for him would almost cover a house share with a housemate? I could also understand you paying half towards redecoration if you were talking about £50 towards some paint to update, but not half of a kitchen for example.

I think he's being unfair, and if you have to ask on a forum then you know this deep down and don't feel the relationship is on an equal footing. Equal doesn't always mean 50/50, it means fair considering income/outgoings/future plans. After 15 years it doesn't seem unreasonable to discuss this more, and if you can't agree decide whether you want to spend the next 15 years feeling like something isn't quite right.

teachfast

Sounds like bordering on coercive control.

hazyjo

There is a very simple answer. Rewind time, go back 15 years, and only pay HALF the bills, groceries etc. Not half the mortgage, rent, or anything else. And if you both agree your pay more, for God's sake don't sign something saying you don't have any interest in his property. FIFTEEN YEARS! Bloody hell... that's loads off his mortgage.

This subject comes up loads and always causes debate and disagreement. But you've shown why you should only be paying what I said. You should have had lots of money spare to save as either your get out plan (you have no rights by living with him), or so you could match his deposit after 15 years and buy elsewhere.

You're at a crossroads. Either you keep quiet and accept it, move back into your flat when you can, or try to claim an interest and hope the agreement is basically torn up as it's been so long and his financial position has improved so much out of what he's had out of you. But that would obviously signal the end of your relationship too...

barbiedoll

How do you pay your "rent", is it a standing order from your account into his? If so, perhaps you should remind him that a court may well see your contributions as a "beneficial interest", and if you ever split, a judge would quite possibly not consider the money that you have spent on your shared home as "gifts".

I also think he's taking you for a ride. How much does running his house actually cost him each month? It can't be a very large sum, seeing as you're paying for everything!

Set up a spreadsheet with all joint expenses, tot it up and divide the total amount by two. Then tell him that is what you'll be paying from now on. It doesn't matter if you earn more, if he insists that you can't have a stake in his property, then why should you subsidise his home improvements? After all, any rise in the value of his house, is only going to benefit him.

SpiderLegs

We sometimes get threads where someone has been manipulated both financially and emotionally for a number of years. It’s very sad to have to read.

You write about how you understand his position and how you want to be equal partners and about your future together. However the reality seems to be he couldn’t give a toss about you unless you’re forking out for his gas bill.


If you mention your contributions he gets angry. Of course he does. So you just keep quiet because the last thing you want to do is make him angry. He might even tell you to move out if you don’t like it.


It is entirely a situation designed to keep you dependent and maintain control over you. I find it utterly appalling.

getmore4less

4 years in the place and worth around £250k

Double your £400 that's nearly 4% gross yield if he had been renting it out

"rent" and all the bills is way in excess of what should be reasonable.

Might be time to level the playing field a bit.

Take 1/2 the bills from the £400  and if any left consider if you want to hand that over.


If he is doing the "this is my house" don't pay a penny towards maintenance any more.

even consider getting back what you have paid from the excess of the £400(if any)



I suspect you may be moving.

xylophone

Time to return to your own property?