Long term cohabitation dilemma

nimbo

So he lets you pay money towards improving his house as you get to enjoy that. And then sells up... what about your desire to want to move or not as the case may be?  What about your investment? 

I’m really sorry. But I’d be giving my tenants notice and moving back into my own space. He sounds like a right piece of work. He’s making money off you and due to the ‘rent’ you pay he gets to keep his whole wage.  

Please consider your own happiness. Leaving my ex was the best thing I ever did. I’d go to bed smiling for no reason at all other than being happy. 

He does not sound good for your sense of worth, self esteem or happiness. Please put your self first for once. You’ve been supplementing his lifestyle. No wonder he’s rolling in it. 

nimbo

And please down sign any more paperwork saying you have no interest in the properties. Don’t live in them. Ever. He’s not very nice. 

itsanne

Viking_warrior said:

Well update.... partner now decided he doesnt like living here and wants to go back to where came from. All the effort, graft, purchases, improvements all for nothing. All to just start all over again... hes said if I dont want to move from.here I can buy him out but I simply dont have the money available. Sad to be leaving here as so much pain effort etc gone into it. Ita just about finished when we should be relaxing and enjoying it. But no... now selling and move somewhere we will have to start all over again. Feel sick at the prospect. .

I haven't posted for ages, but couldn't let this go.

You don't have to start all over again - and feeling sick at the prospect is telling you not to. On top of everything else, moving to another area presumably means you'll need to change jobs? Even if it doesn't, it's yet more control he's exerting over you.

You've been with him so long that the way he behaves towards you and his expectations of you have become normalised. They are not normal. I would have said that the financial aspect was simply selfish greed, but it's much more than that. He wants to control you. Punishing you for having the temerity to buy a house when he didn't want you to two months into the relationship is controlling. Dictating when you have to be home is controlling. Deciding on moving is controlling. Keeping you short of money is controlling. Telling you that you can be together for life if you don't question the status quo is controlling.... The list goes on.

He knows exactly what he is doing. Please, please listen to the sick feeling and don't go with him. (I hope that he doesn't decide not to move after all if he thinks you'll leave. If so, leave anyway.) Leaving him may well be a scary thought, but you will be much better off - not just financially (though that too), but emotionally and in self esteem.

I wish you well.

jak

Please, please don’t go with him. You don’t have to. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but I’m really worried about you. You are being abused. You Can take steps to get out of this and him moving would be a perfect opportunity xxx

Lavendyr

OP - any update? Are you OK?

Viking_warrior

Hi thanks for asking I'm ok..... the plan to move remains and actually my OH is seriously struggling being in this house. He has been  battling severe anxiety, low mood etc as a result si my energies are focussed on helping him get through this period a d out ither side as  much as I can. I dint always succeed a d it's tough to be positive and supportive every day but I'm trying. I cant focus on my own stuff when he is facing this crisis in his thinking. Once the moves done or confirmed I can turn attention to myself again. Whatever happens I need to feel I've been there for him if I can. Thank you for asking after me I really appreciate it. 

breaking_free

Viking warrior, his low mood and anxiety only kicked in when you started making noises about being disatisfied. Coincidence? I think not.

This is a classic control technique and it's worked - he's got you to focus entirely on him and disregard your own needs again. I'm willing to bet money that has no intention of moving; he dangled that hook to see if you would bite and you have, big time. 

I'll say this as nicely as I can; we are on page 21 and everybody on here has told you that this is financial abuse. You cannot see it yourself, because being the lovely person you are, your kind nature has made you focus on him again. The following link is the Women's Aid Survivor's Forum and the topic is called "Is it abuse?" https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/forum/is-it-abuse-2/ You can post anonymously there and ask those ladies because hearing it from the horse's mouth is the best source. xx

MaryNB

Viking_warrior said:

Hi thanks for asking I'm ok..... the plan to move remains and actually my OH is seriously struggling being in this house. He has been  battling severe anxiety, low mood etc as a result si my energies are focussed on helping him get through this period a d out ither side as  much as I can. I dint always succeed a d it's tough to be positive and supportive every day but I'm trying. I cant focus on my own stuff when he is facing this crisis in his thinking. Once the moves done or confirmed I can turn attention to myself again. Whatever happens I need to feel I've been there for him if I can. Thank you for asking after me I really appreciate it. 

You are still important. Your needs are still important.

He may be going through a difficult time but that doesn't negate the issues you are facing, especially those caused by him. Based on this thread so far I would guess that if the situation was reversed he would not set aside his own needs for you. He is not supportive of you and what is best for your at all. You are far too good for him.

Lavendyr

Dear @Viking_warrior - whatever his needs, you need to care for yourself. I get this on a very personal level, I promise. I nearly lost myself through an emotionally abusive relationship. 

Could you please consider first and foremost what YOU want and need. Please. He may need support or it may be another form of emotional abuse and control. I don't know. What I want to ask you is. Are you happy? Could you be happier? When you think of yourself in five years, what do yout hink you need to be happy?

Please turn attention to yourself right now. Not "once the move's done". Now, please. You've been there. You can still be there for him while taking care of yourself. Those two things are not exclusive. 

Lunchbox

Viking_warrior said:

Hi thanks for asking I'm ok..... the plan to move remains and actually my OH is seriously struggling being in this house. He has been  battling severe anxiety, low mood etc as a result si my energies are focussed on helping him get through this period a d out ither side as  much as I can. I dint always succeed a d it's tough to be positive and supportive every day but I'm trying. I cant focus on my own stuff when he is facing this crisis in his thinking. Once the moves done or confirmed I can turn attention to myself again. Whatever happens I need to feel I've been there for him if I can. Thank you for asking after me I really appreciate it. 

I really hope you are ok. This does sound like absolutely textbook coercive control and I wouldn’t be surprised if his psychological abuse and control extends beyond housing/finances etc. Please, please contact an organisation like Women’s Aid or their support forums where you can get help to recognise the behaviours he’s using that are not right, that you should not accept, and advice on your responses and next steps. Please think about yourself and what is best for you, and start putting yourself and your future first.