Long term cohabitation dilemma

MovingForwards · 23 May 2021 at 8:58AM

Let him start over.
It appears this is his way of controlling you, nothing will change and if you stayed with him one day you would look back and wonder why you wasted all the years by staying.

Use this opportunity, it's a good one by the way, to start over too. Move on and start living your life as you'll never be a partnership while with him. Start the s21 with your tenants, worst case is you're renting for about a year, but you get your home back.

You will have money, you won't be taken for granted, there will be stability in your life and when the time is right you'll meet the right one or you may decide life and friendship is more fulfilling.

It's scary, exciting and a whole host of emotions when leaving a relationship, but most of all your self-respect and confidence begins to grow.

Unfortunately, I feel you will just keep following him, never own those nice properties he buys and will always be living on edge waiting for the next move, comment or worse him telling you to leave.

The relationship board is the best place for this. It's an eye opener seeing our various previous situations, what we did when starting over and where we are now.

Skiddaw1 · 23 May 2021 at 10:56AM

Lavendyr said:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/?source=post_page---------------------------
Please call them. Abuse isn't only physical. What you are experiencing, from what you have described, is abuse. Emotional and financial abuse.
I am horrified to read about your situaion. I would suggest that you read back on what you have written and think how you might respond if it was a friend of yours who had wrirten these things.
I am a stranger on the internet and I am deeply concerned and worried about you. Please talk to someone. What you are dealing with - it's NOT normal. It's NOT acceptable. It's NOT okay.
We can't do this for you, but all you need to do is reach out. By coming here you've taken the first step. You know something isn't right.
We are with you.

This in spades OP....

BrassicWoman · 23 May 2021 at 1:51PM

Viking_warrior said:

Well update.... partner now decided he doesnt like living here and wants to go back to where came from. All the effort, graft, purchases, improvements all for nothing. All to just start all over again... hes said if I dont want to move from.here I can buy him out but I simply dont have the money available. Sad to be leaving here as so much pain effort etc gone into it. Ita just about finished when we should be relaxing and enjoying it. But no... now selling and move somewhere we will have to start all over again. Feel sick at the prospect. .

the fact that he decides, without a by your leave, tells you everything.
Now is your time to start fresh. Keep your job, hang on tight to it, and find a room to rent, for starters.

Bonniepurple · 23 May 2021 at 3:16PM

Viking Warrior, please, please get out of this relationship. Your “partner” seems to have been very happy with the house for years, while you were paying him for the “privilege” of living in his house. Now that you have changed and become more assertive (you are daring to question him about what he wants you to spend your money on) he wants to up sticks to somewhere you probably don’t know well and repeat the whole thing. He’s manipulative and gas lighting you.

I don’t know where you are, but I am pretty sure that there will be somewhere to rent for a few weeks while you get some thinking time. I think - and hope- that distance will give you a different perspective- one that I suspect you already have but don’t want to admit. Keep your important documents safe and with you, or with a trusted friend of yours (not a mutual friend or one of his.

Good luck.

trix-a-belle · 23 May 2021 at 3:25PM

I agree with whats been said following your update, take a large step back now as this is the opportunity to reclaim yourself and redress the balance.
You don't have to fully sever the 'relationship' but you would honestly be considerably better off each month not living in his house on his terms. His expected payments keep you from ever being able to improve your situation to the strength of his while significantly improving his month on month, that is the control and financial abuse. He says its 50/50 to 'buy in' or nothing but you will never reach that under his terms, even after redressing the balance of grocery payment you still won't any time soon!
He is expecting you to have to move with him, as he knows you don't have the funds to buy him out, & by moving with him he will then be able to keep you on the hook again with more home improvement payments etc further eroding anything you might have. You've woken up so please seize the opportunity.

Reading all the way through all I could think (& apologies for being somewhat blunt) is would you spend ~£400/month on escorts? as on some level thats akin to what you're doing.

I have a lodger who has lived with me for coming up for 5 years, even moving houses with me during that time, she signed a form for the mortgage company to say she has no claim in the property, her rent (which is not dissimilar to the amount of 'rent' you pay) covers her part of all the bills inc insurance, the private personal space she has access to, though for that I can't seem to get much help cleaning common areas or assistance in the garden

I give this as from property prices I speculate we are not too dissimilar pricewise or possibly slightly more expensive an area, never in a million years would people pay that much plus half the bills to be a lodger or even one with benefits.

gettingtheresometime · 23 May 2021 at 7:53PM

I know he's not everyone's cup of tea but I've been reading Jordan Peterson's 12 rules for life. Rule 3 states 'make friends with people who want the best for you'. May sound like an obvious thing but we all know people who will conspire with us to put off going exercising and those who won't take no for an answer.

this man doesn't want the best for you...only himself. There's no consultation, just his way or the highway.

Gather all your important documents, get them with a trusted, independent, friend and then plan your exit.

yes you'll hurt after giving this man 15 years of your life but better the pain now than in say another 15 yrs.

BikingBud · 23 May 2021 at 8:02PM

Ask for a commitment by way of a equal share of the next house as the start of new chapter and a change in attitude and appreciation of your contribution to the relationship.

Else see previous and build your own better life.

gettingtheresometime · 24 May 2021 at 10:59AM

Having thought about this thread some more, I'd not only start gathering & removing my important documents, I'd also start getting those personal items that you simply couldn't replace out of there.
I'm not saying he will in the immediate future but it sounds as if he's rumbled your disquiet (I mean why suddenly decide to move now?) and wants to set a test for you to see how 'compliant' you are.

[Deleted User] · 24 May 2021 at 11:46AM

Good luck, OP. From the perspective of an outsider, this seems the perfect opportunity to uproot and leave, to put yourself first and break away from the relationship. He has made this decision presumably without consulting you first so, what do YOU want? It's in your hands. It might not be as simple as just leaving, but if you are motivated to have a better future for yourself, you'll put in the work. It's up to you now.