Long term cohabitation dilemma

emjay2kay

OP, I'm really sorry to read your story.

If I can offer some hope, my cousin (few years older than you) came out of a similarly abusive relationship last year and she was devastated. He was the one who ended it when he found someone new.

Going through the divorce process, it wasn't until her own solicitors pointed out how she was a victim of abuse that she finally started to see it. She's since had a lot of help from family and friends and counselors to see and understand what has happened to her. 

The first few months were terrible, but since she's been able to see how trapped, gaslighted and manipulated she was, she's been so happy and free. It's the happiest I've seen her since before she got married over 20 years ago. It's been great to see the change in her and she's still got more to go as she understands more and more what her relationship was really like. 

It's not fun or easy to begin with, but it is possible to get out of these horrible relationships and be happier than you thought you could be. Don't tell yourself you can't do it because of your age or finances or whatever - you absolutely can and many people do.

I would echo the recommendation that you speak to an abuse charity / helpline to try and get some more perspective on things.

I wish you the best for the future.

Viking_warrior

CookieMonster said:

Hi VW,

From a practical perspective;
"Back of a cigarette packet calculations" might suggest that you're losing out by over-paying on the flat - you will gain more from paying into your pension, with tax-back from HMRC and 20yrs of compound interest working in your favour.

It's likely worth your while paying the least possible on the flat, and putting that money into your pension (company, or SIPP if required) - just go over to the pensions board and search for 'pay off house or pay into pension', there are a number of threads on that.  

Post a question on your own new thread (with some more financial details) if you wish to receive some good advice on that.

Please don't leave doing something about your pension until other things are sorted.

Thank you for this... I'm investigating best things to do re pension especially as getting new company car soon and realise I havent considered this impact much previously either.... had one for years. Neighbour advised that I could reduce tax on the car by upping my pension too so I defo will head to that board for advice.thank you 

FirstTimeSolo

Are you with each other because you love and care for one another?

pinkshoes

OMG this is not a relationship you are in!! This is hideous!

You are existing alongside a control freak!!

Please! You only get one chance at life, and believe me this is not a relationship. I and most others would far rather be single than tolerate such a poor excuse for a partner.

I agree with a previous post about you only paying half of bills (and no alcohol) and NOTHING towards rent. 

You might also want to consider some sort of course on building up your own self esteem and confidence, as 15 years of living like this seems to have given you some very wrong views of what is normal in a relationship. 

Good luck, do NOT be afraid of bringing it up again, and if he gets stroppy about it then don't be afraid to just leave. 

Jeepers_Creepers

"He stated clearly that he wouldn't kick me out and if we can stop fighting there no reason we arnt in it for life so I'get it all when he died anyway."

He's also said "... he doesn't need my stress in his life and he will cut me out of his will."

You obviously know him better than us, but do you actually trust - believe - him to this degree? Can you continue knowing that he holds almost all the cards - it's all on his terms? The whole security of this 15 year relationship is in his hands, for him to do with as he seemingly - and openly - feels?

Well done for having that recent frank discussion with him, and for being able to move the unfair goalposts to some degree; I know this is not in any sense easy or pleasant to do.

If you were to write down a list of pros and cons for this relationship (and, to be frank, simply doing this exercise after 15 years together is a major warning sign), what would be on the list? Perhaps that's worth doing?

Also, try and keep pushing at these goalposts in other ways - you appear to have a secure job, and one with a car supplied; what 'social' element does the job provide for you? Is there the opportunity to go out with colleagues that, perhaps, you deliberately avoid doing just in case it upsets him? If so, you can probably guess what I would say to that.

In small increments, start to take more control of your life, and less of living it under his shadow. He's happy to throw out comments like - I paraphrase - "Stop fighting me and we can stay together." And "if you give me hassle, I'll cut you out of my will."  You are equally entitled to start looking at other interests to fill part of your life and to demonstrate you aren't fully beholden to him. Can you think of any evening classes you could take - what are your interests? Art? Music? Learning an instrument? Wine, women and amateur dramatics?

There is nothing there that is a threat to a normal partner secure in their feelings and how it is reciprocated. There is plenty there for a controlling partner to become exercised about. And perhaps it's time to find out just how much of this is a shared partnership, and how much is control.

The more you take control - these wee steps - the more prepared and confident you will be to rise to any challenge, and to even walk away and start a new and better life should it come to that.

Viking_warrior

Jeepers_Creepers said:

Also, try and keep pushing at these goalposts in other ways - you appear to have a secure job, and one with a car supplied; what 'social' element does the job provide for you? Is there the opportunity to go out with colleagues that, perhaps, you deliberately avoid doing just in case it upsets him? YES THIS IS EXACTLY THE CASE. I STOPPED EVEN CONSIDERING GOING OUT A LONG TIME AGO. MAYBE A DECADE AGO? IF I MANAGED TO GET OUT THERE WOULD USUALLY BE A TIME SET I HAD TI BE BACK, !!!!!! TEXTS ETC. THIS HAS HAPPENED VISITING PARENTS AND FAMILY TOO... WHERE IF IM AWAY MORE THAN HE LIKES THE RELATIONSHOP IS UNDER SCRUTINY.

If so, you can probably guess what I would say to that.

In small increments, start to take more control of your life, and less of living it under his shadow.COVID HAS MADE THIS RELATIONSHIP FEEL MORE SETTLED AS I COULDNT DO ANYTHING. IM.NERVOUS ABOUT HOW TO EVEN START TRYING THIS NOW.

Yes this 

olgadapolga

Viking_warrior said:

Jeepers_Creepers said:

Also, try and keep pushing at these goalposts in other ways - you appear to have a secure job, and one with a car supplied; what 'social' element does the job provide for you? Is there the opportunity to go out with colleagues that, perhaps, you deliberately avoid doing just in case it upsets him? YES THIS IS EXACTLY THE CASE. I STOPPED EVEN CONSIDERING GOING OUT A LONG TIME AGO. MAYBE A DECADE AGO? IF I MANAGED TO GET OUT THERE WOULD USUALLY BE A TIME SET I HAD TI BE BACK, !!!!!! TEXTS ETC. THIS HAS HAPPENED VISITING PARENTS AND FAMILY TOO... WHERE IF IM AWAY MORE THAN HE LIKES THE RELATIONSHOP IS UNDER SCRUTINY.

If so, you can probably guess what I would say to that.

In small increments, start to take more control of your life, and less of living it under his shadow.COVID HAS MADE THIS RELATIONSHIP FEEL MORE SETTLED AS I COULDNT DO ANYTHING. IM.NERVOUS ABOUT HOW TO EVEN START TRYING THIS NOW.

Yes this 

OP, surely you must realise that this is not a loving, caring, healthy relationship? This man is abusive in so many ways.

Please, please get some help, from Women's Aid or somewhere. 

hazyjo

Did you remind him he's a THOUSAND pounds better off a month with you there?

In your shoes, I would take a few months away from him. See if he's more concerned about being a grand down each month or about you not being there.

MaryNB

Viking_warrior said:

Jeepers_Creepers said:

Also, try and keep pushing at these goalposts in other ways - you appear to have a secure job, and one with a car supplied; what 'social' element does the job provide for you? Is there the opportunity to go out with colleagues that, perhaps, you deliberately avoid doing just in case it upsets him? YES THIS IS EXACTLY THE CASE. I STOPPED EVEN CONSIDERING GOING OUT A LONG TIME AGO. MAYBE A DECADE AGO? IF I MANAGED TO GET OUT THERE WOULD USUALLY BE A TIME SET I HAD TI BE BACK, !!!!!! TEXTS ETC. THIS HAS HAPPENED VISITING PARENTS AND FAMILY TOO... WHERE IF IM AWAY MORE THAN HE LIKES THE RELATIONSHOP IS UNDER SCRUTINY.

If so, you can probably guess what I would say to that.

In small increments, start to take more control of your life, and less of living it under his shadow.COVID HAS MADE THIS RELATIONSHIP FEEL MORE SETTLED AS I COULDNT DO ANYTHING. IM.NERVOUS ABOUT HOW TO EVEN START TRYING THIS NOW.

Yes this 

About being nervous about changing things, I've been there. After the first year in my first job I got stuck with two micromanagers who just wore away at my self worth. I didn't look for other jobs as early as I should have because I didn't think anyone else would hire me. Also, I had graduated during the recession and had to emigrate to find work so was terrified of being unemployed. My morale was sooooo low. I didn't leave until my third year there.  I left some really great colleagues who I had a great time working with but moving companies was the best things I could have done. 

I've been struggling with motivation during lockdown so I can imagine it's made things so much harder to achieve

CookieMonster

Viking_warrior said:

CookieMonster said:

Hi VW,

From a practical perspective;
"Back of a cigarette packet calculations" might suggest that you're losing out by over-paying on the flat - you will gain more from paying into your pension, with tax-back from HMRC and 20yrs of compound interest working in your favour.

It's likely worth your while paying the least possible on the flat, and putting that money into your pension (company, or SIPP if required) - just go over to the pensions board and search for 'pay off house or pay into pension', there are a number of threads on that.  

Post a question on your own new thread (with some more financial details) if you wish to receive some good advice on that.

Please don't leave doing something about your pension until other things are sorted.

Thank you for this... I'm investigating best things to do re pension especially as getting new company car soon and realise I havent considered this impact much previously either.... had one for years. Neighbour advised that I could reduce tax on the car by upping my pension too so I defo will head to that board for advice.thank you 

The 'tax on the car' will be set as a % of the list price/value of the car (including any bells and whistles you have added-on), different vehicles having different % levels.
For example, a Petrol/Electric hybrid has a lower % of the list price assigned to it than a 3.6L SUV.
This is why my previous and current company cars have been hybrids, for lower personal tax burden.
i.e. the tax you pay on the car can only be adjusted by choice of vehicle.
Be aware that the % payable rises annual during the lifetime of the vehicle, to encourage uptake of newer vehicles, tables of % are available on-line (and whoever manages your company vehicles should be au fait with all this and explain it to you better than I can).

It'll change your HMRC tax code by the value they assign to the vehicle, which you are taxed on, so your annual tax-free amount drops - you're taxed on the vehicle being a benefit of your employment.
 
Your neighbour was probably alluding to the fact that banging more into your pension can get you the tax back, and also potentially drop you from 40% tax back into the 20% bracket, depending on your pay/how much you put into your pension, which also reduces your tax burden. 

If you can do salary sacrifice into your pension, that can be even better - check with your payroll dept.