Long term cohabitation dilemma

scrooge2008

Well there are some victories there OP, although I have to confess, the film 'Sleeping with the Enemy' came to mind and I feel compelled to say, proceed with great caution and keep a journal (online/password protected).  Detail any abuse, the new agreement around food and what you are paying out each month (spending diary).  

You have a budget 0f £450.00 for food now and permission to shave some money off this and not to pay for alcohol.  That is a boundary and you have to stick with that as the start of establishing some of your own.  There is a board on old style money saving where you could quickly learn to eat better than you have ever done, for half of that and you would make some supportive online friends.  Don't let him claw back that saving.  You have your flat and that was a wonderful decision, but I can understand why it makes him mad, because he can't control it and it gives you an exit strategy.

You are also going to get some great advice on the pensions thread.

I am still a work in progress, because my boundaries are thin.  I'm an empath and I am by nature a people pleaser who always sees the good in people.  I have had to work so hard to find a win/win in all aspects of my life and not have 'mug/doormat' nailed over my head in neon lights.  Two books that I go back to, to keep strong are 'Women who love too much' (Robin Norwood) and 'When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life, BOUNDARIES" (Dr Henry Cloud).

You are a strong woman, you are not the train wreck most of us would be under such tightly controlled conditions, I am sure some cards will start to fall in your favour - grab them.

Viking_warrior

scrooge2008 said:

Well there are some victories there OP, although I have to confess, the film 'Sleeping with the Enemy' came to mind and I feel compelled to say, proceed with great caution and keep a journal (online/password protected).  Detail any abuse, the new agreement around food and what you are paying out each month (spending diary).  

You have a budget 0f £450.00 for food now and permission to shave some money off this and not to pay for alcohol.  That is a boundary and you have to stick with that as the start of establishing some of your own.  There is a board on old style money saving where you could quickly learn to eat better than you have ever done, for half of that and you would make some supportive online friends.  Don't let him claw back that saving.  You have your flat and that was a wonderful decision, but I can understand why it makes him mad, because he can't control it and it gives you an exit strategy.

You are also going to get some great advice on the pensions thread.

I am still a work in progress, because my boundaries are thin.  I'm an empath and I am by nature a people pleaser who always sees the good in people.  I have had to work so hard to find a win/win in all aspects of my life and not have 'mug/doormat' nailed over my head in neon lights.  Two books that I go back to, to keep strong are 'Women who love too much' (Robin Norwood) and 'When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life, BOUNDARIES" (Dr Henry Cloud).

You are a strong woman, you are not the train wreck most of us would be under such tightly controlled conditions, I am sure some cards will start to fall in your favour - grab them.

Thank you so much for this post. I will definitely read those books. I agree I think I too am too much of a people pleaser and headed into this relationship already feeling bad having cheated on my first partner and carrying lots of self loathing. I've always believed I needed to prove myself to be worthy of love from a young age (not actually sure why) and I know my current partner is happiest with me when I'm putting 'our relationship' first and am 'being helpful'. I always try to see other peoples perspectives but of course that mostly means I defer to theirs over my own. Unless I'm at work... which is weird.
I agree a lot of women would probably have managed this partnership differently and better from the outset. I am a victim of my own fuzzy to non existent boundaries and reluctance to take action 'in case its the wrong decision and I regret it'.
I honestly did not expect this original post to become a relationship one and I do feel seriously dreadful having my partners character discussed like this. Even though of course it's all anonymous.... 
Will definitely look at those books. Thank you so much. 

Viking_warrior

CookieMonster said:

Viking_warrior said:

CookieMonster said:

Hi VW,

From a practical perspective;
"Back of a cigarette packet calculations" might suggest that you're losing out by over-paying on the flat - you will gain more from paying into your pension, with tax-back from HMRC and 20yrs of compound interest working in your favour.

It's likely worth your while paying the least possible on the flat, and putting that money into your pension (company, or SIPP if required) - just go over to the pensions board and search for 'pay off house or pay into pension', there are a number of threads on that.  

Post a question on your own new thread (with some more financial details) if you wish to receive some good advice on that.

Please don't leave doing something about your pension until other things are sorted.

Thank you for this... I'm investigating best things to do re pension especially as getting new company car soon and realise I havent considered this impact much previously either.... had one for years. Neighbour advised that I could reduce tax on the car by upping my pension too so I defo will head to that board for advice.thank you 

The 'tax on the car' will be set as a % of the list price/value of the car (including any bells and whistles you have added-on), different vehicles having different % levels.
For example, a Petrol/Electric hybrid has a lower % of the list price assigned to it than a 3.6L SUV.
This is why my previous and current company cars have been hybrids, for lower personal tax burden.
i.e. the tax you pay on the car can only be adjusted by choice of vehicle.
Be aware that the % payable rises annual during the lifetime of the vehicle, to encourage uptake of newer vehicles, tables of % are available on-line (and whoever manages your company vehicles should be au fait with all this and explain it to you better than I can).

It'll change your HMRC tax code by the value they assign to the vehicle, which you are taxed on, so your annual tax-free amount drops - you're taxed on the vehicle being a benefit of your employment.
 
Your neighbour was probably alluding to the fact that banging more into your pension can get you the tax back, and also potentially drop you from 40% tax back into the 20% bracket, depending on your pay/how much you put into your pension, which also reduces your tax burden. 

If you can do salary sacrifice into your pension, that can be even better - check with your payroll dept.

Thanks for this.... yes I'd started doing some digging online myself. Working hard to fund right car to keep ky tax burden down... it's a minefield lol 

Jeepers_Creepers

Viking_warrior said:

Jeepers_Creepers said:

Also, try and keep pushing at these goalposts in other ways - you appear to have a secure job, and one with a car supplied; what 'social' element does the job provide for you? Is there the opportunity to go out with colleagues that, perhaps, you deliberately avoid doing just in case it upsets him? YES THIS IS EXACTLY THE CASE. I STOPPED EVEN CONSIDERING GOING OUT A LONG TIME AGO. MAYBE A DECADE AGO? IF I MANAGED TO GET OUT THERE WOULD USUALLY BE A TIME SET I HAD TI BE BACK, !!!!!! TEXTS ETC. THIS HAS HAPPENED VISITING PARENTS AND FAMILY TOO... WHERE IF IM AWAY MORE THAN HE LIKES THE RELATIONSHOP IS UNDER SCRUTINY.

If so, you can probably guess what I would say to that.

In small increments, start to take more control of your life, and less of living it under his shadow.COVID HAS MADE THIS RELATIONSHIP FEEL MORE SETTLED AS I COULDNT DO ANYTHING. IM.NERVOUS ABOUT HOW TO EVEN START TRYING THIS NOW.

Yes this 

You are such an impressively honest person!

Oops, I'd actually forgotten about Covid! Yes, of course that wouldn't have helped in any case, and there are lot of people who are now coming out from this, blinking into the light of social interactions again. Lots of worried folk, who are not sure how they will cope again.

I'm pleased this thread has turned out as it has. I think everyone knows - you certainly do - that it isn't about finances.

I don't know either of the specific books that Scrooge recommends, but certainly appreciate the power of books, so I hope you do this.

Small steps, each one giving back more of your self belief and control. Your partner will sense the change, and will likely react in one of two ways - start showing some respect and appreciation, or try and reinforce his control.

You are still young, VW. (That's a reason to act, btw, and not to keep on going as you are!)

Viking_warrior

Well update.... partner now decided he doesnt like living here and wants to go back to where came from. All the effort, graft, purchases, improvements all for nothing. All to just start all over again... hes said if I dont want to move from.here I can buy him out but I simply dont have the money available. Sad to be leaving here as so much pain effort etc gone into it. Ita just about finished when we should be relaxing and enjoying it. But no... now selling and move somewhere we will have to start all over again. Feel sick at the prospect. .

uralmaid

I have read all the way through this. I feel very sad for you Viking Warrior. But - Please for your own well being - do not move with him. Now is the ideal time to break away from this controlling selfish man. I know it seems frightening but for your own self worth and future you really need to break away. Moving to another house and area will not improve anything.  This is not a loving relationship in any shape or form.

uralmaid

I have read all the way through this. I feel very sad for you Viking Warrior. But - Please for your own well being - do not move with him. Now is the ideal time to break away from this controlling selfish man. I know it seems frightening but for your own self worth and future you really need to break away. Moving to another house and area will not improve anything.  This is not a loving relationship in any shape or form.

LittleVoice

I guess it will take time for him to get somewhere "back where came from".  During that time you could be seeking alternative accommodation (get a cheap mobile phone for any calls from estate agents/landlords and keep it on silent or turn off when he is around).  You can try evicting your tenants but that can take time so you need a place while you regain access. 

[All the work put into your accommodation with him will aid in his selling and gaining on his investment.  It won't have gone to waste for him.]

Lavendyr

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/?source=post_page---------------------------
Please call them. Abuse isn't only physical. What you are experiencing, from what you have described, is abuse. Emotional and financial abuse.
I am horrified to read about your situaion. I would suggest that you read back on what you have written and think how you might respond if it was a friend of yours who had wrirten these things.
I am a stranger on the internet and I am deeply concerned and worried about you. Please talk to someone. What you are dealing with - it's NOT normal. It's NOT acceptable. It's NOT okay. 
We can't do this for you, but all you need to do is reach out. By coming here you've taken the first step. You know something isn't right. 
We are with you. 

Jeepers_Creepers

Viking_warrior said:

But no... now selling and move somewhere we will have to start all over again.

And you know, you know, it'll be the exact same all over again.

His house, his terms, his financial investment - and with you simply contributing excessively to his coffers with absolutely zero security or long-term benefit.

You "feel sick at the prospect"? That is exactly the correct way to feel. And almost certainly that feeling will never leave you, until you do him.