Long term cohabitation dilemma

CookieMonster

Hi VW,

From a practical perspective;
"Back of a cigarette packet calculations" might suggest that you're losing out by over-paying on the flat - you will gain more from paying into your pension, with tax-back from HMRC and 20yrs of compound interest working in your favour.

It's likely worth your while paying the least possible on the flat, and putting that money into your pension (company, or SIPP if required) - just go over to the pensions board and search for 'pay off house or pay into pension', there are a number of threads on that.  

Post a question on your own new thread (with some more financial details) if you wish to receive some good advice on that.

Please don't leave doing something about your pension until other things are sorted.

Mojisola

Viking_warrior said:

He is clear my financial situation is not his concern and as I bought the flat when we were 2 months into our relationship, and he clearly said not to buy it, that it was a bad choice.

Wow! You disobeyed him early in the relationship and he's been punishing you ever since - keeping you so short of funds that you can't save and so will never be able to match 'his' equity (quite a bit of which has come from you!).

comeandgo

Can I suggest you talk to someone from the abuse charities as you have been in this relationship so long you can’t see the wood for the trees.  

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

Unless he's a lot older than you then I don't see how you inheriting from him matters.  Who is going to invest forty years of their life for the possibility of being wealthy for a couple of years before they die?  Is he a lot older than you? 

SameOldRoundabout

OP I am sorry, but he is using you, and financially and emotionally abusing you. Your conversations sound exactly as I would imagine, where he makes you think he’s listened but actually nothing will change and he’s come out on top. It’s a really sad situation. Your £400 should surely include most of those bills being as he has no mortgage. He has allowed you to “be more mindful” about buying the fancy food HE wants?! How gracious of him. 

Honestly, this is an abusive, controlling relationship and I am just so sorry you can’t see it from our outside perspective. 

wannabe_a_saver

Viking_warrior said:

Ok so update. I asked for his help and shared our outgoings on a sheet with him. Groceries are indeed the issue and he has said for me not to buy alcohol and start to be more mindful about buying fancy items where cheaper are available. So hopefully I can make savings here. Result. 
I said if I could save more I could potentially get to a point where I could have enough cash in few years for a third investment in any next property. He said unless its 50% it's a no, as we will still be in this position where he owns more and I am paying him some form of equality payment/rent and I'll still be unhappy. 
He is clear my financial situation is not his concern and as I bought the flat when we were 2 months into our relationship, and he clearly said not to buy it, that it was a bad choice. I effectively made my bed then and he saw it as me making a statement I did not want to go into ownership with him... although this doesnt make sense as I would still have needed a mortgage which he wont have so.... not sure on that front.
He was honest that the rent is a savings fund for him and that this was offset ny the fact he pays for most of the Bill's (true). The groceries are the main imbalance. 
So its left as is with more effort to reduce groceries as many here said. 
I cant raise this again as it creates a stressful situation where  I come over as resentful and bitter and its not the discussion we want to be having over and over again. Basically unless I come into inheritance due to my parents leaving me stuff (I'm hoping this is a long way off!) this is the status quo.
He stated clearly that he wouldn't kick me out and if we can stop fighting there no reason we arnt in it for life so I'get it all when he died anyway.
I think if I am to make this work I need to focus on the grocery reductions, pay off my flat and consider paying more attention to my pension pot instead. 

Wow. 

I don't even know what to say.

This man is a master manipulator.  He's even managed to get you thinking that the expensive grocery shopping is your fault and you need to be 'more mindful'!  How are you not absolutely fuming! 

Buying your flat was the best decision you've made since meeting this man.  He has no respect for you, you are an income stream to him with the added bonus of sex, cooking and cleaning. 

Being alone can be great you know, no arguments, no manipulation, you can do what you want when you want, all the money you earn is for you.  When you are ready you can even start to look around for someone to date who will respect you and see you as a human being and not a walking savings pot!

BrassicWoman

I love living alone. It's so simple. I do what I want, when I want. I spend what I like, and save what I like. I have a great social life. I work the hours I want in a job I chose because I like it.

People "in it for life" who want to provide reassurance and legal stability get married.

He's not in it for life.

MovingForwards

Your latest update is heartbreaking and shows you cannot see what's going on. 

Have you re-read this thread from the start, really taken in what people are saying? If not do it, then read it again and again.

You're not his partner, nor girlfriend, just a cash machine. Nothing will change while you're with him, that becomes even more clearer than it already was. 

Your confidence is at an all-time low, you don't believe in yourself and that will get worse. Is a nice house really worth it and much more what is being drained from you?

Tiglet2

"He stated clearly that he wouldn't kick me out and if we can stop fighting there no reason we arnt in it for life so I'get it all when he died anyway."

Not being funny here OP, but you might "go" before him. Does he then get it all?  

ratechaser

OP - no one here can tell you what you want, or what to do. What however I hope you have got from the 17 pages (so far) of this thread is a collective view from us that this is so far removed from being a 'normal' relationship, you'd need a telescope to see it!

Everything you have posted points to you being a victim of manipulation and coercion - both financial and emotional (and hopefully nothing more but that's more than enough). Unfortunately after 15 years you have become so institutionalised to this, you are really struggling to see it, and appear to be tinkering around the edges, not addressing the root of the problem.

Please please please, get some help - if a bunch of randoms on the internet like us aren't enough to help you see clearly, then do you have friends or colleagues that you can confide in to get another viewpoint?

I rarely comment on threads of this sort, but felt I had to make an exception here...